Fecal Tender

, , | Right | March 26, 2008

(A customer came in, grabbed a 40-ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager, and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside, and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer… but he had an issue.”

Us: “What happened?”

Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he s*** in his pants…”

(That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)


This story is part of our Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

Read the next Grossest Customers Ever roundup story!

Read the Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

1 Thumbs
1,834

Ah, Students

, , | Right | March 23, 2008

(A group of students comes into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

Caveman #1: *banging squeaky club on bar* “Ugg!”

Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

Caveman #1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

Me: *still maintaining silence*

Caveman #2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

(A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

(The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)

1 Thumbs
1,965

Mission: Impossible, Part 2

, , | Right | March 16, 2008

(An elderly man comes into the store and buys two cigars, I place them in a bag and try to hand him his receipt.)

Elderly Man: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just throw it away for you.”

Elderly Man: “Don’t do that I need it!”

Me: “Here you are then.” *trying to hand it back*

Elderly Man: “What am I suppose to do with it?!”

Me: “You said that you needed it.”

Elderly Man: “I do! But where in the h*** am I supposed to put it!”

Me: “Your wallet or your pocket, maybe?”

Elderly Man: “It will get mixed up with everything else and I’ll have to dig it out and throw it away when I get home! I don’t want it!”

Me: “So you want me to throw it away for you?”

Elderly Man: “No, I need it to show my wife!”

Me: *confused* “Do you want it in your bag?”

Elderly Man: “Well that’s what it’s for, isn’t it–to carry things? What’s wrong with you trying to hand someone a receipt? Where the h*** would they put it?!”

(I placed his receipt in his bag and he left muttering about me. He became a regular after that, and never again did I hand him a receipt.)

Related:
Mission: Impossible

1 Thumbs
1,537

Y, Will, Y Will, Rock U!

, , | Right | December 14, 2007

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I wanna know if you have any Y’s in stock?” *pronouncing it ‘Why’*

Me: “Y’s? I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “The Y’s! You know, the Y’s!”

Me: “You mean the Wii?”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever.”

1 Thumbs
1,588

Zero Short Term Memory

, , | Right | December 11, 2007

Customer: “Hi, I have my car down the loading dock and I’m parked where it says to park, but there’s no button to call your store or anything down there.”

Me: “No, there’s not because the elevator is shared with three levels of stores. We don’t own it; the mall does. You have to call us when you’re there.”

Customer: “How do I call? There’s no button.”

Me: “With your cellphone…”

Customer: “Oh, pfft, I never bring a cellphone with me.”

Me: “But didn’t you just call? How did you call earlier?”

Customer: “With a cellphone!” *looking at me like I’m stupid*

1 Thumbs
1,897