The Lion, The Witch, And The Tannenbaum

, , , , | Learning | April 10, 2013

(I’m a substitute teacher, and as long as the students get their work done, I’m pretty laid back. I also use some pop culture references to get a laugh out of students when I’m in a new class.)

Me: “If you want to work in pairs, that’s fine, as long as you’re working diligently. Just keep the noise level conversational and don’t go wandering around the classroom. So, if you’re sitting up front and your friend is all the way in the back in Narnia, you can’t go visit them.”

Student: “I wanna go to Narnia!”

Me: “Well, there’s no wardrobe in here. Sorry.”

Student: “There’s a closet!”

Me: “It’s not the same as a wardrobe.”

Student: “I’m gonna try!” *gets up and runs to the closet*

Me: “Excuse me! Take a seat right now!”

Student: *opens closet and steps inside* “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Please sit down or you’re going to the disciplinary office.”

Student: “There really is a Narnia in here!”

(By this point, I’d made it to the closet on the other side of the classroom. To my surprise, there was a fake Christmas tree, complete with fake snow, inside of the closet. I guess closets can get you to Narnia!)

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It Was A Stache-steroid

, , , | Learning | April 8, 2013

Teacher: “What happened sixty-five million years ago?”

Student #1: “The dinosaurs died.”

Teacher: “And why did the dinosaurs die?”

Student #2: “Chuck Norris.”

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Just Take A Deep Breath And Psy

, , , , | Working | February 7, 2013

(My dad’s workplace proudly employs people from many different cultures. Considering the wide diversity, it isn’t unusual for them to be curious about each others’ backgrounds. Apparently, they have recently hired some more people.)

New Hire: “Hi, I’m [New Hire]. It’s nice to meet you!”

Dad: “Hi, I’m [Dad]. That’s an interesting name you have; where are you from?”

New Hire: “Sri Lanka. How about you?”

Dad: “I’m from Korea.”

New Hire: “Korea?! Really?!”

Dad: “That’s right.”

New Hire: “Does that mean you can do this?”

(He starts dancing like he is riding horseback, or in other words, he’s doing the dance from “Gangnam Style.”)

Dad: “Well, that was interesting.”

New Hire: “My son loves Psy! He taught me how to dance just like him!”

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Really Crazy Golf

, , , | Romantic | January 29, 2013

(My girlfriend and I go to play indoor golf together. My girlfriend has just failed to complete one of the holes in the required number of strokes. As we move to the next, she shuffles sideways with an embarrassed expression and drops her ball in the hole for a moment before picking it up and following me.)

Me: “Uh, honey? What was that about? You’re holding the next group up.”

Girlfriend: *mutters*

Me: “What was that?”

Girlfriend: *blushing* “I didn’t want mine to feel left out!”

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Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Bro

, , , , , | Related | December 29, 2012

(I have two grown sons, identical twins, who are both married with kids. They have both come back home for Christmas. Living in the highlands in Scotland, the snow can be quite thick, and we have been snowed in. It is time to open Christmas presents. Both sons have presents for each other in identical-sized boxes.)

Son #1: “Here’s a present for you.”

Son #2: “And here is a present for you!”

Son #1: “How kind!”

Son #2: “And you!”

(They both proceed to open each other’s presents, and they are the exact same thing: a PlayStation console. Even the bundled games are identical.)

Son #1: “Well, brother! You absolutely shouldn’t have!”

(The wives of each of my sons share a knowing look of disdain.)

Me: “What’s the matter?”

Wife #1: “I told my husband that he could not buy himself a games console. It would be a bad influence on the children.”

Wife #2: “I told mine pretty much the same thing.”

Son #1: *chiming in* “But I didn’t buy myself one! My kind brother bought one for me! I can’t be penalised!”

Son #2: “Now, let’s get these bad boys set up. I’ll take the TV upstairs; you take the one in the living room.”

Son #1: “And you have my PlayStation network account name?”

(The wives glare at them.)

Son #2: *noticing* “Why, yes, I do indeed happen to have the PlayStation network account details that you HAVE NOT YET CREATED, because how could you? You had no idea you would be getting a PlayStation today! I trust you also have my NOT YET CREATED network name?”

(Both of my sons and their children were hooked on the games for the rest of the time we were snowed in, a good three days. I just told each of the wives to buy themselves expensive jewellery for each other next Christmas.)

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