A Bit Young To Be So Off-Color

, , , | Right | December 14, 2011

(I am a kindergarten teacher, and I’m meeting a student for the first time.)

Me: “What is your favorite color?”

Five-Year-Old: “Stool.”

Me: “Let’s try that again…”


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It Takes Two Baby

, , , | Right | January 1, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. May I have your phone number, please?”

Customer: “Okay… two.”

(I wait a few seconds for the customer to finish. The customer stays silent.)

Me: “And what’s the rest?”

Customer: “No that’s it.”

Me: “Your phone number is two?”

Customer: “Oh! I thought you asked me what my favorite number was!”

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Carrying A Lot Of Baggage

, , , , | Right | July 28, 2010

Me: “What kind of bag would you like?”

Customer: *without hesitation* “A hot blonde with blue eyes, six feet tall, smart, and successful.”

Me: “Me and you both, buddy. But you’re in luck, as it just so happens our bags are tan and blue. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “That’s fine. It’s better than what I have back at home.”

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Brogue On A Dime

, , | Right | July 3, 2009

(Although I am an American, I have lived in Ireland for the past ten years.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get you today?”

Customer: “Are you even from here?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Are you even from Ireland?”

Me: “Well, my family is Irish, but I was born in America.”

Customer: “And they let you work in an authentic Irish coffee shop?!”

Me: “Well, yes. I’ve lived here for years, so I guess they thought it was okay to hire me.”

Customer: “But this is so inauthentic! You don’t even have the right accent!”

Me: *with Irish accent* “Why, of course I do, luv! What are you sayin’, I don’t have the right accent?”

Customer: *flustered* “But… But… You…”

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Ah, Students

, , | Right | March 23, 2008

(A group of students comes into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

Caveman #1: *banging squeaky club on bar* “Ugg!”

Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

Caveman #1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

Me: *still maintaining silence*

Caveman #2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

(A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

(The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)

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