(I am a creative writing major, but because I changed my major from an English one fairly recently, I am still stuck in a seminar class for English majors and have to report my readings to that professor. The education majors are also in this particular seminar class. I have just finished reporting on research I am doing for a vampire novel I plan to write. My professor is a woman who loves dirty romance novels, as well.)

Professor: “Will there be sex in it?”

Me: “I don’t know. I’ll let the characters take me where they want to.”

Professor: *fake huffs* “You creative writing majors and your developing characters!” *turns to the next student to present; an education major* “Will there be sex in yours?”

Student: “Oh, God, I hope not!”

(I am getting some shampoo when I overhear the following conversation between an employee and a customer shopping for deodorant as a gift.)

Customer: “Well, he does like Old Spice.”

Employee: “We have several gift sets with Old Spice right here.”

Customer: “Oh, this has a bear on it. Why is there a bear on it?”

Employee: “It’s just their advertising. See? This one has a ship.”

Customer: “But there is a bear on it.”

Employee: “Would you like to get one of these?”

Customer: “I don’t know… There is a bear on it.”

(She walked away without buying any of them… or the bear.)

(My husband and I are taking advantage of the kids being asleep to get intimate. Having not folded laundry in a week, we’ve accumulated a pile of it, which we have pushed off the bed first. We’ve just gotten naked and are now on the bed. I am face-down.)

Me: *coquettishly* “Now what are you going to do to me?”

Husband: *whisper-laughing* “Make you fold the laundry.”

Me: *laughing* “And they say romance is dead!”

(I’m waiting in line at a fast food drive-thru. It’s moving very slowly, and I’m the second-closest to the drive-thru speaker. I can hear everything that’s going on with the car in front of me.)

Employee: “Hello! Welcome to [Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

Customer: *places order*

Employee: “Okay, your total is [amount]. Please pull up to the next window.”

(The line hasn’t moved an inch since this customer placed his order.)

Employee: “Hello! Welcome to [Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

Customer: “It’s still me.”

Employee: “Okay, sir, please pull up to the window when you’re ready.”

(Beat.)

Employee: “Hello! Welcome to [Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

Customer: “Hello! It’s me again! I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Employee: “Okay, thank you.”

(The line finally moves. We only manage to make it up half a car-length.)

Employee: “Hello! Welcome to [Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

(There is this awkward pause, as the car in front of me is no longer next to the speaker, and I’m only halfway there, so I can’t see the entire menu.)

Employee: “This is the same person, isn’t it?”

(The line suddenly starts moving again, so I manage to pull up right next to the speaker.)

Me: “Nope, you finally got a different customer, now! Thanks for waiting. Are you ready to take my order?”

(My roommate and I are discussing how we’d rather die: burning or freezing.)

Roommate: “I’d much rather burn to death than freeze to death.”

Me: “Are you crazy? Freezing to death is like falling asleep.”

Roommate: “Yeah, but before you die there’s that awful feeling when you’re that cold… Sort of like a burning feeling.”

Me: “You know what else feels like burning? Fire.”