Not Uniform Behavior

, , , , , | Friendly | October 16, 2014

(We’ve just come home from a nearly year-long deployment and we’re at our homecoming, where I’m looking for my wife in the crowd. She spots me, comes running up, and jumps… on my buddy, who is next to me. In her defense, we all look the same in our uniforms.)

Wife: “Ahhhh! I can’t believe you’re home! I’ve missed you so much!”

Buddy: “Oh… I missed you, too!”

(My wife leans in to kiss my buddy.)

Me: “Whoooooa there, [Buddy]! You wanna put my wife down?”

Wife: *realizing what’s she’s done and jumps down* “OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!”

Me: “When were you gonna tell her, man?”

Buddy: “I was going to… eventually!”

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Number Of The Beastly Coincidences

, , , , , , | Right | September 29, 2014

(I work in a small corner shop. It is Halloween and we’ve been busy on-and-off with kids making their way around the estate trick-or-treating and coming in to buy drinks. I’m approached by a kid I estimate to be in his early teens.)

Me: “Hey, kiddo! Having fun?”

Kid: “Yeah, not a bad haul so far. Just a bit thirsty; nobody hands out drinks!”

Me: “No, I suppose they’re bulkier and more expensive, too.”

Kid: “Yeah, you’re probably right and th—” *sees the total on my screen* “Aww, £6.67? Come on! Could you give me a penny discount?”

Me: “Er…”

Kid: “Guess my maths isn’t as good as I thought. I wanted it to be £6.66 for Halloween!”

Me: “Well, I’m not authorised to give discounts unless the items are damaged, but [Similar Drinks] are a penny cheaper, so you could swap out one of your [Original Items] if it really bothers you that much?”

Kid: “Yes, please! One sec while I take this back and swap it!”

(By this point, there’s a small queue and the boy’s friends, who are waiting outside and clearly can’t hear what he’s doing but see him sprint back to the fridges, yell through the door for him to hurry up.)

Me: “Okay, buddy! That’s now £6.66.”

Kid: “Thanks! Can I get a receipt?”

Me: “Sure, have a good Halloween!”

(As the kid approaches the door he starts waving his receipt at his friends.)

Kid: “Guys! GUYS! LOOK! Weirdest coincidence ever! I just grabbed some random drinks and the total was £6.66. How spooky is that?!”

(The customer behind him turned to me and just raised her eyebrows!)


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Snaking Around The Truth

, , , , , | Related | June 24, 2014

(I am eight years older than my sister and six years older than my brother, so growing up I helped take care of both of them. My sister is now 24 and loves to tell my husband how I would tell them outlandish stories as kids.)

Sister: “I can’t wait until you have kids so I can pay you back for how [My Name] used to lie to us!”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Like what?”

Sister: “Like the time you told me snakes don’t poop! So they eventually explode!”

Husband: *laughing* “What?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I would tell you that if you listened, you would be able to hear snakes popping in the field behind the house. ‘Shh! There goes one now!'”

Sister: *trying not to laugh* “Or how you told me that the tar patches on the road were little kids who got run over! And that if I got run over, you wouldn’t scrape me up!”

(My husband looks at me, laughing but with a brow raised.)

Me: “Hey, it got you to hold my hand when we crossed the street, didn’t it?”


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A Price For The Devil To Pay, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | February 13, 2014

(It’s Friday the thirteenth. I’m ringing up some college-age students.)

Me: “Your total is $6.66.”

Customer: “Oh, no! And it’s Friday the thirteenth!”

Me: “No, no. It’s okay! You’re getting rid of the six sixty-six, not accepting it. It’d only be bad luck if you were getting it as change.”

Customer: *looking very relieved* “Okay… That sounds right. But what about you?”

Me: “I’ll be okay. It sounds strange, but thirteen is actually a lucky number for me.”

(I ring her up and move on to her friend. By sheer chance, the total is $13.34, and I immediately see where this is going when she hands me a $20 bill.)

Me: “Uh. Your change is… $6.66.”

(She looked very uncomfortable as she took her change, and her friends teased her all the way out the door.)


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How To Rattle Your Teacher

, , , , , | Learning | December 12, 2013

(A group of us are renting out a nature center to do an unrelated overnight retreat. It is the morning and we are eating breakfast. The wildlife experts start coming in, bringing some animals with them.)

Snake Owner: “Hey. This snake isn’t poisonous. Any of you want to hold it?”

Me: “Ooh! I do! I do!”

Snake Owner: “Cool. I need to run back to my car. Just hold on to it for a sec, will you?”

(The snake owner runs off to his car. In the meantime, the snake is slithering around in my hoodie, and eventually nestles in the hood. The teacher in charge of the retreat walks in.)

Teacher: “Hey, [My Name]. We need you to—”

(The snake rears up suddenly.)

Teacher: “AHHH! Oh, my God. Don’t move! There’s a snake in your sweater!”

(I decide to make the best of it. I turn to look at my classmate.)

Me: “No! No! My lord! You promised if I retrieved the Horcrux, I could go free! Please!”

Classmate: *completely seriously* “Lord Voldemort has no mercy on Mudbloods. Nagini, STRIKE!”

Me: “Noooooooo!”

(I fell over as dramatically as possible without hurting the snake. The wildlife man came back in to find me on the floor, the teacher screaming, and my classmates dying of laughter.)


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