(My friend and I are walking out from science class.)
Friend: “Hey, [My Name], if you answer the next question with no, you will win a million dollars.”
Me: “Okay, what’s the question?”
Friend: “Are you ready?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “Okay, I’ll give you some more time.”
(They wait for a minute.)
Friend: “You ready now?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: *starts laughing* “See, you’ll never win, right?”
Me: “No.” *smiles some*
Friend: “Wait…”
(I am a student teacher. Today, my class is on a trip to a fire station. The RCMP — Royal Canadian Mounted Police — officer is talking about bike safety, and starts answering questions from the students.)
Student: “Were you alive in the 1920s?”
RCMP: “I’m not sure how to take that. No, it was a bit later.”
(The RCMP officer gets back to his presentation. The following remarks happen in the next five minutes.)
RCMP: “Well, back when I started policing, in the 1920s, we used horses and tractors.”
RCMP: “During the Crimean war, which I fought in during the late 1800s, we used our swords to catch bad guys. Then we would ride to the police station on our horses.”
(My boyfriend and I are texting about a stupid way he injured himself. As we’re saying goodbye, because he has to leave, I say:)
Me: “I love you, too, idiotic boyfriend.”
Boyfriend: “I will always be like this.”
Me: “You won’t stay an idiotic boyfriend forever.”
Boyfriend: “You’re right; I’ll evolve.”
Me: “Into?”
Boyfriend: “From idiotic boyfriend into idiotic husband.”
Me: “I was thinking corpse, but husband is good, too.”
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(I always try to have fun with my customers. I know my audience, so when the opportunity presents itself, I will say something wildly sarcastic and condescending to my customer, and they will either laugh or banter back with me. I am at the hostess stand, and an elderly man comes up.)
Man: “I’m just going to sit here and wait for my family to come out of the bathroom.”
Me: *in the snootiest voice I can muster* “Sir… That particular chair is reserved for VIPs.”
Man: *gently puts his hand on my shoulder* “Sweetie… That would be me.”
(Made my night!)
(My dad and I have a rather sarcastic relationship. I’m 41, female, and have never been married. As a result, I’ve been having the following conversation with him for the past 20 years. Twenty years old:)
Dad: “So, not married?”
Me: “Dad! I’m still in college! And 20! And… NO!”
Dad: “What if I put $20 and a ladder outside your window?”
Me: “…”
(Twenty-five years old:)
Dad: “I’m thinking of upping things to $25.”
Me: “…”
Dad: “…”
Me: “Really?”
(Thirty years old:)
Dad: “It’s now $50. Desperate times…”
Me: “Uh… I don’t even live in the same time zone.”
Dad: “…”
Me: “Really?!”
(Thirty-five years old:)
Dad: “Hmmm… Maybe $100 will do it?”
Me: “There’s nothing wrong with not being married!”
Dad: “…”
Me: “Seriously?! How about you give me the $100, and you can keep the ladder?”
(Forty-one years old:)
Dad: “The ladder’s still there, but now it’s a blank check.”
Me: “OH, MY GOD! I DON’T EVEN LIVE ON THE SAME COAST!”
(Later the same day:)
Me: “So, my dad has been joking about putting a ladder and some money outside my window because I’m still not married. It used to be $100, but now it’s a blank check.”
Significant Other: “A blank check, you say? What’s his return policy?” *speculative smirk*
Me: *facepalm*
