(Our laptops have loud security alarms attached to prevent theft, but they are overly sensitive and regularly set off accidentally. An alarm has just been set off, and I hurry over to deactivate it.)
Me: “Ah, don’t panic; let me fix that for you!”
Customers: “Oh, did we set that off?”
Me: “Did you breathe on them?”
Customers: “Uh… Yes?”
Me: “Then yes, you did.”
(I have just graduated from high school, and my grandparents want to treat me to dinner. Two weeks ago, my little cousin graduated from eighth grade; last week was my other cousin’s 16th birthday. My birthday happens to fall just a few days after the school year ends.)
Me: “Do you know what’s in four days?”
Mom: “Your birthday!”
Grandpa: “What?”
Mom: “Yeah, it’s this Wednesday.”
Grandpa: “Holy s***, does this ever end?”
(I work in a nursing home. This particular resident is diabetic and thinks her blood sugar is too low, even if it is normal. This exchange happens after checking her sugar.)
Me: “Your sugar is really high! What have you eaten?”
Resident: “I accidentally drank two shakes!”
(Later I check her sugar again.)
Me: “Your sugar is [normal value] right now!”
Resident: “I think it’s low!”
Me: “No, it’s really good! Keep up the good work.”
(The resident proceeds to eat a chip.)
Me: “Your sugar is good; don’t make it too high by eating those chips!”
Resident: “Oh, my hand accidentally fell into the chips.”
Me: “…”
(I am hanging out with two friends during lunch, and somehow the topic of chocolate comes up. It should be noted that both [Friend #2] and I are FTM transgender.)
Friend #2: “None of the other trans guys I know — [My Name] and I included — have liked plain chocolate, as in, straight chocolate.”
Friend #1: “What about gay chocolate?”
Me: *without thinking* “That’s the kind with nuts in it.”
(I still have yet to live it down.)
(My church runs parent-child dedications where the family of an infant goes up to the altar and the pastor holds the baby and prays for them. This particular child is handed to him in an odd way, and he drops the microphone. Now he can’t pick it up, because he is cradling the child in both arms. There is an awkward pause, and a kind woman in the congregation hollers:)
Congregant: “Better the mic than the baby!”
