(I need some minor, routine maintenance done on my DSLR camera, so I take it to a camera store near me. This store sells nothing but cameras and camera-related equipment, and is very clearly advertised as such.)
Employee: “Hi! How can I help you?”
Me: “Hi, do you do cleaning or maintenance here?”
Employee: “Before I answer that… You are talking about cameras, right?”
Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”
(I can only imagine the kind of stupidity that made that question necessary.)
(A close friend of mine is visiting me for dinner. She has leukemia, but is in remission at this point. It should probably be noted that we share a pretty dark sense of humor, which is how we both cope with her illness.)
Me: “What have you been doing lately?”
Friend: “I had tests at [Only Major Hospital in the area] this week.”
Me: “Oh, that sucks. I was there with mom when she had tests done a few years back, and the wait was horrible. There’s always so many people!”
Friend: “Oh, I got seen pretty quickly.”
Me: “Did you get there early, or was it good timing?”
Friend: “No, I just put [Initials] in the top corner of the admission forms, and they took me right in.”
Me: “What do they mean?”
Friend: “It’s the shorthand code for ‘to be seen immediately.’ My doctors used it all the time. I just put it in myself, now.”
Me: *laughing* “I knew you were wicked! You’re skipping the line in the hospital?”
Friend: *also laughing* “Hey, I have cancer! And also better things to do with my time than wait in line.”
(Unfortunately, her cancer returned, twice, and she lost the battle against it several years ago. But stories like this one still make me laugh when I tell people about her.)
(With another family visiting us, we bring the children to a local water supply museum. Among other things, the guide tells us that it is the only water supply station in Europe that gets water from underground to collectors by vacuum pumps, which work similarly to sucking water through straw. He suggests we try that out ourselves later. So, back at home, we give each child one full and one empty cup and tell them to get all water from first cup to second through a straw. Some manage it sooner, some later, but one boy manages to just drink all his water.)
Boy: “Would it count if I now peed into the second cup?”
His Mom: “I don’t think the townspeople would care much for your solution.”
(I’m subbing for a second-grade class and have just lined them up for recess.)
Me: “[Student], go put your coat on. It’s cold and windy out today.”
Student: “I can’t find it.”
Me: “Check your locker.”
Student: *opens locker* “It’s not here.”
Me: “Is it in your backpack?”
Student: “No. I looked.”
Me: “Is it at your desk?” *checks with her*
Student: “No.”
Me: “Were you wearing a coat when you came to school this morning?”
Student: “I don’t know.”
Me: *sighs* “Okay. Let’s just go outside, and if you get cold tell me.”
Student: “Okay.” *plays for a while then runs over to me* “I’m cold.”
Me: “Go inside and ask the nurse if she has a coat or sweater you can borrow.”
Student: “Okay.”
(She comes back out a few minutes later with a coat TIED AROUND HER WAIST, and plays like that for the rest of recess. Later, at dismissal time:)
Student: “Hey, I found my coat!”
Me: “Oh, good. Where was it?”
Student: “In my backpack.”
(My mom and I are standing in the kitchen, talking. Two of the cats, brothers, have followed us, and are making pests of themselves, presumably begging for treats. One of them has a habit of licking and chewing on my arm when I scratch him in a certain spot. I bend down to pet him, but because of the angle, he can’t reach me, so he lightly bites the next closest thing: his brother’s butt. My mom and I giggle, but then the one that was nipped turns around and lightly kicks the other in the side. This sends us into full-blown laughter as my dad walks in.)
Dad: “What’s so funny?”
Mom: *catching her breath* “Oh, the cats are just being funny.”
Dad: “Oh. Excuse me.”
(He reaches around my mom to grab a plate from the cabinet, and my mom takes the opportunity to poke him in the belly.)
Dad: “Hey!” *pinches my mom on the rear*
(Gee, I wonder where the cats learned it from!)
