Bubbles Of Masculinity Are Easily Popped

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2017

(The items I make are appropriate for everyone, but I give descriptive names for all my one-of-a-kind pieces. A guy in his twenties comes into my shop.)

Guy: “These are cool! What’s that on the tag?”

Me: “That’s the item’s name.”

Guy: “Oh, cool! Yeah, I like this.”

(He browses for a minute before reading a tag, then turns to me, bright red.)

Guy: “That’s a girly name! That’s totally girly! D***, you tricked me! I didn’t know they were girly names!”

(As he flees the shop, my partner calls out:)

Partner: “Wait! We also have bubble wrap for your fragile masculinity!”

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Pure Precious Jealousy

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 5, 2017

(I met my husband when we both worked for a grocery store. We’ve only been dating a few months at this point, and I like to pick on him about things. A new cashier has just started, and he is around our age, but he seems young and nerdy. I think he’s cute in his awkwardness, like a child, and I mention it to my then-boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “How can you say that to me?”

Me: “What do you mean? Do you want me to lie?”

Boyfriend: “Well, no, but you don’t have to tell me, either!”

(Just then, a mother with her young son dressed in a Superman costume walks by. A coworker comes up to me.)

Coworker: “Did you see him? Wasn’t he just precious?”

Me: *eyes light up* “I know! He was so adorable!”

(My boyfriend glowers at me and turns a dark shade of red before I burst out laughing.)

Me: “We’re talking about the little boy in a costume! Did you not see him?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I didn’t. I thought you were talking about the other guy, still.”

(He finally saw how funny that was and chuckled about it. I still like to pick on him about the day he was jealous of a five-year-old.)

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Deadly Pillow Talk

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 4, 2017

(It’s our wedding anniversary and my husband’s cousin is congratulating us.)

Cousin: *to me* “I don’t know how you’ve put up with him so long. What’s the trick?”

Me: “He keeps struggling out from under the pillow.”

Husband: *nods*

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You Won’t Be Putting Out Any Fires With Those!

, , , , | Related | November 3, 2017

(I am three years old. Because I am young, my breasts are yet to develop, and young me is really worried about this. This conversation occurs on the way to the post office.)

Me: “Mommy, why are your nipples big and my nipples small?”

Mom: “Because you aren’t old enough.”

Me: “Will my nipples be big?”

Mom: “When you get older, yes.”

(Just then a fire truck passes us, and apparently this causes something to click in my young brain. We now arrive at the post office.)

Worker: *to me* “What would you like to be when you grow up? *is probably expecting some cutesy answer like “fairy” or “princess”*

Me: *proudly* “I want to be a fireman, with big nipples!”

(My mom burst out laughing, while the worker just stared at my mom as if she had just sprouted another head.)

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Half The Size, Twice The Humor

, , , | Working | November 3, 2017

(I work at a grocery store in the Southeast US. One of my coworkers is a little person, and she has a very irreverent sense of humor which often extends to herself. One day I see her cleaning around the clearance table.)

Coworker: *takes sale sticker and puts it on her shirt*

Me: *jokingly* “Are you for sale, [Coworker]?”

Coworker: *without missing a beat* “I’m half-off.”

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