Was Only Half-Joking

, , , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

(My dad and I are the strange customers in this story. I’ve driven him to sign for, pay for, and pick up his new truck, since his old one is completely undrivable. The process goes very smoothly, a few amicable jokes passed back and forth, until the dealer slides the umpteenth form across the desk.)

Dealer: “And this one just means that if the car breaks in half, you still own both halves.”

Dad and Me: *in slightly panicked unison* “Don’t joke about that!”

Dealer: *surprised, pulls back and looks at us like we’re crazy* “Excuse me?”

Me: *while my dad pulls out his phone to show we’re not joking* “We’re only here because his current truck rusted in half.”

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You Fight Like A Girl!

, , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

(Our entire family enjoys martial arts, especially jiu jitsu-style wrestling. When one of our sons, a US Marine, comes home for a visit, he and I get into a friendly wrestling match in the middle of the living room. His fiancée watches and occasionally winces as we crash around the room, knocking aside the furniture and giggling with glee.)

Son: *triumphant noise* “There! Now I’ve got you!”

Me: *slips out of the hold, rolls over, and pins him* “No, you don’t.”

Son: “But I almost did!”

Me: “But you didn’t.”

Son: “But I was doing really, really well! I have to tell my buddies about this!”

Me: “You were doing really well until you lost. Besides, do you really want to brag to your Marine buddies that you can almost pin an out-of-shape, middle-aged person?”

Son’s Fiancée: “…who happens to be your mom?”

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Taking Advantage Of Some Crappy Sales

, , , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(A semi-regular customer I’ve helped a few times in the past comes up to my register with only a toilet plunger.)

Me: “Well, I was going to ask how your day was going, but now I feel like I don’t want to know.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s been pretty s***** — pun intended — for sure.”

Me: “I feel like I should let you know that the plumbing gloves happen to be on sale this week! The ones that go up past your elbow, you know?”

Customer: *pauses, thinking* “I’ll be right back.”

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The FDA Is Truly Evil

, , , , , , | Working | December 11, 2017

(I work for a company that makes products with laser scanners in them. This means annual inspections by the FDA’s department of devices and radiological health. After the inspector finally leaves:)

Me: “Darn, that guy was here all day, and I forgot to say, ‘Frickin’ laser beams!'”

Coworker: “I’m sure he’s heard it before.”

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The Importance Of Fact-Checking

, , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(We have a rather gullible regular who has somehow grown up convinced that if a thing is in print, it has to be true.)

Regular: *as she’s being rung up by my coworker* “Oh! Did you hear? There was a shark attack last week!”

Coworker: “Oh, my goodness! Where?”

Regular: “[Nearby Apartment Complex].”

Coworker: *pause* “Pardon?”

Regular: “Yeah, apparently some family had a shark mounted on the wall. That must have angered the other shark. It broke down the door and bit an 11-year-old on the face!”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “[Regular], that never happened.”

Regular: “It did! It was in the news and everything!”

Me: “[Regular], think about it. How could a shark hold its breath on land long enough to somehow travel five miles away from the water and cross a dozen busy roads, just to break down a door and attack a child? All without legs?”

Regular: “Hold on! I’ll bring up the article!”

Coworker: “[Regular], we don’t mind you Googling it, but there’s a line behind you. I’m afraid you can’t stand here at the registers looking for it.”

Regular: “No worries. I’ll come back and show you the article!”

(She paraded out the door, fiddling with her phone, still searching. My coworker put his hands together and loudly mock-prayed, “Please don’t let her discover Sharknado! Please don’t let her discover Sharknado!” A few days later, she came back, having forgotten about the “shark attack,” but full to bursting about the news that all major movie companies were going to create DVDs that would completely erase themselves after a single viewing of a movie, forcing everyone to have to buy it again to watch it a second time. No one could convince her that the movie industry would become bankrupt virtually overnight if they did so.)

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