Every Relationship Has Its Hiccups

, , , , , , | Related | November 7, 2017

(I have recently left a deeply unhappy and unhealthy engagement. Because we moved around a lot for my ex’s work, I had difficulty maintaining employment and so do not have much money of my own. My parents have happily offered to let me move back in with them until I get back on my feet, for which I am eternally grateful. Meanwhile, despite the fact that my ex is a controlling alcoholic who cheated on me, my friends and my ex’s family are very critical of my decision to leave because they feel I just “didn’t try hard enough.” As a result, I suffer frequent bouts of guilt and often think maybe I should go back and try again. This panics my parents because they believe the situation is extremely dangerous and harmful. I am sitting in the living room with my parents. My dad has the hiccups, and family tradition is that if someone has the hiccups you try to scare the hiccups away. Mom has tried startling him and he has tried holding his breath, but nothing has worked. Finally:)

Me: *sadly* “I’m thinking I should go back to [Ex]. Give it another shot. Try harder this time.”

(Both my parents freeze and stare at me in horror. After about a minute of my dad not hiccupping:)

Me: *just as sadly* “Your hiccups are gone.” *I smile.*

Dad: “D*** it, [My Name]!”

(Mom started laughing and crying simultaneously. She always says that was the moment she knew I was going to be okay.)

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Let’s Vaguely Saunter Into The Sunset

, , , , | Romantic | November 7, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are cuddled up watching TV and playfully talking about eloping. I am notoriously lazy.)

Me: “Let’s run away together!”

Boyfriend: “You realise the word ‘run’ is in there, right?”

Me: “Never mind. Let’s brisk-walk away together!”

Boyfriend: “That’s still moving, my love.”

Me: “Fine, then carry me to the car so we can drive off into the sunset… with you driving. I’ll be by your side forever! Passenger side.”

Boyfriend: *laughing and kissing my forehead* ” You’re such a romantic!”

Me: “I try.”

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How To Cheese Off The Demon Horde

, , , , , | Working | November 7, 2017

(I manage a locally-owned pizza shop where we have a “continual sale” on our cheese pizzas. I am chatting with a new hire about normal customer service issues we encounter.)

New Hire: “So, do we actually get people who are angry because pepperoni is not automatically included on their pizza?”

Me: “Oh, my God. You have no idea.”

(I start to give her several examples, but get summoned to the front register by the door chime.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Are you placing an order for here or to go?”

Customer: “Yeah, give me one of those medium cheese pizzas for $6. Oh, and throw some pepperoni on there, too.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. Your total for carryout is $7.69.”

Customer: “WHAT? $7.69?! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE $6 PIZZA DEAL?!”

Me: “My apologies, sir. The $6 deal is for the cheese pizza; adding pepperoni also adds the price for one topping, bringing your total to $7.69.”

Customer: “Well, that’s some d*** expensive pepperoni, then! Fine, here’s your money, but it’s highway robbery, I tell you!”

(I give him his change, then carry the ticket back to the pizza kitchen.)

Me: “Hey, [New Hire], f*** you; you summoned them! So, please make this gentleman’s medium cheese pizza, add pepperoni, for me.”

New Hire: “My sincerest apologies, friend; I did not mean to summon the demon hordes. I shall pay for my error by making the best cheese pizza, add pepperoni, that you have ever seen!”

(I think she’ll fit in quite well with us.)

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Clowning Around With Your Grandsons

, , , , , | Related | November 6, 2017

(My son is dropping his sons off at our house right after I have thrown a handful of vividly-colored pom-poms onto the sidewalk for the cats to play with.)

Grandson #1: “What happened?”

Me: “Oh. A clown exploded.”

([Grandson #2] stares with huge eyes.)

Grandson #1: *who has been around long enough to get used to my sense of humor* “Why was a clown here?”

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Dad Jokes 101

, , , , , | Learning | November 6, 2017

(I teach evening courses at a community college in Oklahoma and, as such, always get at least one student who was, or is currently, going to University of Oklahoma [OU] or Oklahoma State University [OSU].)

Me: “Why do more football players go to OU than OSU?”

Victim: “I don’t know.”

Me: “It’s easier to spell.”

(I’m a dad. I have a right to make dad jokes.)

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