We Don’t Want To Think Where Gummi-Berry Juice Comes From

, , , | Right | June 30, 2020

We’ve stopped at a gas station for drinks and snacks. My husband is purchasing an energy drink while I’ve got water and gummy bears.

Me: “That stuff is going to kill you.”

Husband: “Energy drinks are good for you.”

Me: “They’re half poison.”

Husband: “Because gummy bears are healthy?”

Me: “These are completely natural. Made from 100% pure gummy bear.”

Clerk: “We catch them fresh in the wild every week.”

Husband: “I really don’t know what to say to that.”

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At Least Alexa Is Nicer Than Bender

, , , , , , , | Related | June 29, 2020

I’ve been working from home during the health crisis and apparently, Alexa is over my crap. This happens after I have her pause my music to take a call.

Me: “Alexa, resume.”

Alexa: “No.”

Daughter: “The robot uprising has begun.”

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Dad Jokes On Tour

, , , | Related | June 28, 2020

My dad and mum are separated and live four or five hours from each other. When we were younger, my dad would come to pick us up and drive us to his to spend the weekend there. My stepmum would often call to find out where he was, which he’d put on speaker through the hands-free. The conversation often went like this.

Stepmum: “Where are you?”

Dad: “In the car.”

Stepmum: “Where in the car?”

Dad: “In the driver’s seat.”

Stepmum: “Yes. Very funny. Where’s the car?”

Dad: “On the road.”

Stepmum: “Where’s the road?”

Dad: “In England.”

Stepmum: “Where are you in England?!”

Dad: “In the car.”

Stepmum: “For God’s sake, [Dad]—”

Oldest Sister: “We’ve just passed the sign for [Place].”

Stepmum: “THANK YOU!”

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A Pun About Going Bananas Would Be Too Easy

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2020

I work in a supermarket. My mum is vulnerable and thus gets online orders, but she hates the quality and dates that are on some of the perishables, so she gives me a list of carriable perishables; I don’t drive so I can’t just get everything. I’ve realised she’s not put bananas on there and I know she’s out, so I give her a call.

Me: “Hey, Mum, just want to check if you want me to get bananas, too.”

Mum: “Oh… Um… No, they’re kind of heavy, so I’ll get them with the big items shop.”

Me: “They’re not that heavy. I can manage them. And your big item shop isn’t until… another fortnight.”

Mum: “Err… no. I’ve already put a lot on your list. But I’ll put them on your Tuesday list.”

Me: “I’m not working Tuesday. If I don’t get them today, you won’t have bananas until Friday. Are you really willing to go five or six days without bananas?”

There is a horrified silence on the phone.

Mum: “GET BANANAS! I REPEAT, GET BANANAS!”

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This Customer Is Arresting

, , , | Right | June 24, 2020

I work in the deli of a known grocery store. I have to go refill a product in a freezer. Standing next to the freezer is a teenage girl looking at our free recipe card stand. As I’m refilling the freezer, I decide to make small talk.

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “Good, and you?”

Me: “Fine. Staying out of trouble?”

Customer: “Well, I’ve yet to be arrested.”

Whoever you are, miss, you made my day.

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