Tuna Out The Gifts

, , , , , , | Related | April 11, 2019

Many years ago we had a Maine Coon. He was as friendly as can be, unless you were a squirrel. His favorite thing to do was to decapitate a squirrel and then hide in the bushes next to the front door. As soon as the door would open, he would run inside with the poor thing and drop it on the carpet. I know he was trying to show us how to hunt, but this was a bit much to put up with.

Throwing them out didn’t get the point across, so one day I tried a different tactic. This time I went to the kitchen, grabbed a can of tuna, and started eating it right in front of him. He picked up the dead squirrel and took it outside, and I didn’t see him for three days. I never knew it was possible to insult a cat.

He did forgive me. And in the next 17 years, he never once brought another prize in the house.

Digging Yourself Into A Hole

, , , , | Right | April 11, 2019

(Since no one can see me when I’m taking orders in drive-thru, I like to joke around with customers who seem up to it. This almost gets me in trouble after one old man’s complicated order.)

Me: “So that’s [repeats complicated order]? Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me what time [Coffee Chain’s namesake, a famous dead hockey player] gets in?”

Me: “Well, I’ll have to go dig him up for you.”

(All my coworkers with headsets whip around to stare at me in shock.)

Customer: *long, tense pause* “Huh. That’s a first.” *pulls up*

(Everyone cracks up, and I’m slightly afraid that I’ll get in trouble for such a morbid response. The customer gets to the window and I peek over shyly over the cashier’s shoulder. He and his wife are just about crying with laughter.)

Customer: “I ask that question at all the [Coffee Shop]s, you know, and no one has ever had such a quick, intelligent comeback. That made my day!”

(He left a dollar for a tip. Sometimes having a smart mouth pays off!)

Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

, , , , , | Romantic | April 11, 2019

(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

My Cat: Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , , | Related | April 11, 2019

(My father and cat both like to sit in the same spot on our couch. One day, I come downstairs to get a glass of water and see my father moving the cat.)

Dad: “Come on, [Cat].”

(He nudges the cat who stands up but doesn’t move. It takes another solid minute to get the cat all the way out of the spot so my dad can sit. Thirty minutes later, I’ve come downstairs again to put my glass away and see the cat in the spot and my father on the loveseat.)

Me: “Hey, Dad…”

Dad: “I got up to get a new book, he jumped back into the spot, and it didn’t seem worth it to move him.”

Me: “So, not only did you and the cat get into a fight over the spot, but the cat won?”

Cold Thoughts

, , , , , | Related | April 10, 2019

(We take our grandson to lunch. We all get dessert to go, and I eat my sundae a bit fast so I can take over driving and let my husband eat his ice cream before it melts.)

Grandson: “Did you get a brain freeze?”

Me: *trying to be funny* “I never do. My mind is too active for it to freeze.”

(Less than a minute later, my husband grabs his head.)

Husband: *not joking* “Ow! Brain freeze!”

(We began teasing him about his inactive brain.)

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