To Be Fair, That Sounds Like A Prom We’d All Enjoy

, , , , , | Friendly | November 24, 2019

(I’m talking with friends, one of whom is new to our group. I’m asexual and end up mentioning it.)

New Friend: “Wait, you’re ace?!”

Me: *thinking that he knew this already* “Yes?”

New Friend: “How did I not know this?!”

Me: “Where did you think my talking about wanting to go to prom with a stuffed animal in a bow tie came from?”

(He was supportive once he got over his initial surprise.)

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The Language(s) Of The Underworld

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2019

(My friend and I are discussing music. I enjoy a number of non-English songs and have been humming all day, alternating between a Spanish song and a Celtic song.)

Me: *singing the upbeat Celtic song* “Teir abhaile riu, teir abhaile riu, teir abhaile riu Mhearain—“

Friend: “It sounds like you’re summoning a demon!”

Me: *laughing* “It’s not even Latin!”

Friend: “DEMON-SUMMONER!”

Me: *starts singing an Italian lullaby* “Tu sei il mio soldatino…”

Friend: “That is a seance if I’ve ever heard one.”

Me: “It’s Italian!”

Friend: “SEANCE!”

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They Must Really Like Tea

, , , , , | Right | November 21, 2019

(I work at an amusement park. It just finished raining heavily. I’m all alone at a teacup ride — one of the few rides open since it is still storming — when a group of teens approaches me.)

Teen: “Hey, are you open?”

Me: “Yes.”

Teen: “Can we ride?”

Me: “No.”

Teen: “Why not?”

Me: “You’re too tall.”

Teen: “We’ll pay you?”

Me: “No.”

Teen: “We’ll buy you a pretzel?”

Me: “No.”

Teen: “She’ll sell you her body?”

Me: “…”

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So Embarrassed You Could Just Dye

, , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(I’m a retail worker who works the counter at the gaming and entertainment area of a major Australian retailer. One quiet Sunday, a young couple approaches my desk with a video game box — we keep all discs locked in drawers behind the counter — and I approach them to serve.)

Me: “Hi, guys, how can I help you today?”

(The male customer holds out the game case, going oddly silent.)

Me: “Just this one?”

Male Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

Me: “No worries, guys; won’t be a minute.”

(As I head to the back of my counter to get the game for them, they start their conversation back up whispering quickly and quietly behind my back. After retrieving the game, I head back to the counter and they fall silent again. I start to ring them up.)

Male Customer: “Hey, mate, can we buy this stuff here, too?” *holds up a basket full of small items*

Me: “Of course!”

(As our store has a policy that customers can be served at any register regardless of what they’re buying, I begin to scan the rest of their items, all the while the customers are whispering furiously between them. Suddenly, the male customer turns quickly and looks me dead in the eye.)

Male Customer: “Hey, buddy, can this—” *holds up hair dye* “—be used on pubic hair?”

(The female customer turns beet red, whimpers, and begins to walk quickly away.) 

Male Customer: “[FEMALE CUSTOMER], COME BACK! I’M JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T HURT YOURSELF!”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry, but that’s not really something that I have any knowledge about; perhaps the girls in cosmetics can help you out.”

(Minutes later, the couple walked back past my desk, the girl still clearly embarrassed. The guy, looking excited, grabbed the hair dye out of the bag and held it up for me to see, enthusiastically giving a thumbs up. The nine or so customers at my desk who had witnessed the conversation before all promptly burst out laughing while the guy walked off waving.)

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You May Now… Applaud?

, , , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2019

My sister is getting married. As her fiancé was raised Catholic, they’re having a Catholic wedding. Our side of the family is Christian, too, but we’re not familiar with Catholic rites or services, being a variety of other denominations. In addition, most of the friends of the bride and groom aren’t religious and so also aren’t familiar with Catholic practises.

Regardless of our inexperience, everything goes smoothly and my sister and her fiancé exchange vows and rings. The priest then invites my now brother-in-law to kiss his wife.

Awaiting the classic “I now pronounce you husband and wife” line which isn’t actually used, the guests don’t quite realise that this is the big moment and there are a few heartbeats of silence.

“There’s usually a big cheer right about here,” the priest prompts, and we all start clapping.

“We’d better try that again!” the priest jokes, inviting my brother-in-law to kiss his wife again.

This time we raise the roof with claps, cheers, and laughter!

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