Airport Closed Due To Rogue Helicopter Moms

, , , , , | | Related | July 11, 2019

(I am about to start a semester abroad, my first real experience living abroad which I am, admittedly, nervous for. My mother and I have woken up at about three in the morning in order to make the four-hour trip to the airport. I have a bad habit of not worrying about things and assuming I can figure it out if things go south. My mother is the exact opposite and worries endlessly. This happens about two hours into the trip.)

Mum: “Oh! Did you bring your passport?”

Me: “Yes, of course, I did.” *still checks*

Mum: “Just checking.”

Me: “Can’t catch the plane if I didn’t, anyway.”

(A little later.)

Mum: “Are you sure you’ve got your accommodation sorted?”

Me: “I better f****** hope so; otherwise, I’m just going to have to figure something out.”

Mum: “Wait, so you do have it sorted?”

Me: “Yeah, Mum. Please, can you chill out? I’m nervous, too, but you’re not helping.”

(A little while later:)

Mum: “Do you have your boarding pass?”

Me: “It’d be too late to do anything if I didn’t, so I don’t know why you are asking. Yes. Yes, I do, can you stop? You’re freaking me out.”

Mum: “All right, sorry…”

(After four and a half hours, we are nearing the airport.)

Mum: “Are you sure your passport is in date?”

Me: “Why would you ask me that?! Why would it even occur to you to ask me that?! No! No, I am not sure! I was sure, but now I’m not! And even if it wasn’t, what could we possibly do at this point to fix the problem? All that question has done has made this more stressful than it needs to be!”

Mum: *starts laughing* “Because I’m crazy! I’m sorry!”

Me: “Don’t be sorry. Shut up! And before you ask, no, I have not checked if the airport has an infestation of airport alligators, and even if they do, we’re here now, so I’m just gonna have to deal with it!”

(We laughed until we got to the terminal, and my mum told the rest of my family when she got home. Now “Airport Alligators” is a family joke for unnecessary stress.)

Whatever You Do, DON’T Show Her “Wall-E”

, , , , | | Learning | July 11, 2019

(My eleventh-grade sociology teacher is terrified of any and all roaches. She even keeps a meter stick, called the “Holy Spirit Stick,” for others to kill them. We are talking about our fears and what we would do when facing them. We talk about clowns, spiders, heights, and then my teacher with roaches. She explains to us what she would do.)

Teacher: “I would run. I’m leaving you all here. Every man for himself. You deal with it. I can’t be in the same room as one.”

Student: “What about your kids?”

Teacher: “Nope, I’m leaving them. I hate roaches. A lot. They survive everything. They’re unkillable. Plus, they fly.”

At Death’s Doorknob

, , , , | | Working | July 9, 2019

(I’m in the break room, waiting for a ride home because I’ve caught a nasty bug. I’m trying to stay in good spirits, and my manager is doing what she can to prevent me from touching too much.)

Me: “[Manager], can I clock myself out?”

Manager: “No, I’ll do it.”

Me: “Can I sign my radio in?”

Manager: “Yeah, I can toss the pen.”

Me: “Can I touch the doorknob?”

Manager: “No, I’ll get the door for you.”

Me: “I’m gonna touch the doorknob.”

Manager: “I’m gonna call the CDC.”

She’s Really Not Kidding

, , , , , , | | Right | July 8, 2019

(I’m checking a guest in around two am. He keeps asking personal but not really inappropriate questions. I don’t like talking to strangers about anything personal so I keep giving short, polite — as I can — answers and try to get back to checking him in.)

Me: “So, I need you to read and initial the smoking and pet poli—“

Guest: “So, are you married?”

Me: “No, sir. If you would just initial here and—“

Guest: “Why not? You want kids, don’t you?”

Me: *forced smile* “And your vehicle information goes here.”

Guest: “You really should think about having kids soon.”

Me: *tired of this* “Oh, I have kids, but if I can’t find a buyer we’ll use the meat ourselves.”

(The guest just stares in horror.)

Me: “My goat had twin boys this year and we can’t keep them so we’re looking for buyers. Now all we need is a signature.”

(The guest signed and I got him his keys. I told my manager in the morning and he laughed. The guest actually apologized at breakfast; I nearly passed out in shock! The goat boys found a weed-eating flock for a home once we wethered them and their mom is an amazing dairy gal so I can’t wait for her to have a girl. Then I will keep a kid!)

Choose Between Your Feline Or Machine Overlords

, , , , , | | Working | July 8, 2019

(Inspired by the story of the guy who tells robo-callers, “Say, ‘cheese sandwich,’” I decide to try it out when I get a call for insurance. She honestly does sound like a real person so I am a little nervous.)

Robot: “Hello! I would like to talk to you about your car insurance.”

Me: “I already have car insurance.”

Robot: “I’m not going to ask you to change it; I just want to give you options. We work with…”

(As she begins to list different companies, my cat comes up to snuggle and I get an idea.)

Me: “Oh, hey, my cat is here. Did you want to say hello? He’s really friendly.”

Robot: “I’m sorry? I didn’t quite catch that.”

Me: “My cat is here. Would you like to say hi to him?”

Robot: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “All right. Say, ‘Hello, Linden.’”

Robot: *silence*

Me: “Say, ‘Hello, Linden.’”

Robot: “Okay! I will put you on the do-not-call list.” *click*

(Fairly certain that was a robot, but still…)

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