A Rose By Any Other Blame

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2018

(I am twelve, waiting outside for my dad and my sister to finish up with something in the garage. We have a pretty steep driveway with big rocks dividing where we park our cars from the slanted rose bush gardens. I am walking across these rocks when I lose my footing, and feel myself lose my balance. Although I try, I know I am going to fall into the rose bush, so I just put my hands up to my face to protect myself. When I fall, I scrape my chin up pretty bad and starting crying from the thorns. I call out for help. As I try to climb back out, my sister and my dad just looking at me, confused.)

Me: “Why didn’t you help me?”

Dad: “There wasn’t a lot we could do to stop it.”

(This is when I start crying more.)

Dad: “Sorry, sweetie. I’ll get you a bandaid!”

Sister: “Hey, [My Name], you know, it’s probably not a good idea to go diving into the rose bush.”

(I was hurt because it wasn’t like I did it on purpose, but then they explained to me what they saw from their angle. Apparently, they saw me walking, then I turned toward the rose bush, raised up my hands, and did a perfect dive off the rocks. So, from their angle it looked liked I purposely dove off the rocks. To this day, they still bring up my short-lived “rock diving” career.)

The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2018

(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

Enabling Good Dialogue

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 17, 2018

(I am at the hospital to see my dying grandfather when I take an elevator alongside a disabled veteran who is walking on two prosthetic legs. I am impulsive by nature, and find that humor cheers me up greatly, so I ask the question that immediately comes to my mind.)

Me: “I have an uncle who has one leg missing and no eyesight. Would you rather two missing legs or one missing leg and no eyesight?”

Veteran: *awkward chuckle* “Uh… neither!”

(We both laugh.)

Veteran: “But in all seriousness, I prefer having my eyes over having a foot back.”

(My aunt and sister thought I was crazy and rude, but I assured them that every person I have met with a long-term disability has felt best about it when people don’t tiptoe around it or pretend it doesn’t make a difference in their life. My blunt manner, combined with the amused bewilderment people get from my openness to interactions with strangers, seems to me to be a good way to cheer people up, especially when they may have felt the grimness of visiting the ICU, which is where they headed.)

Rick-Rolling On The Loudspeaker

, , , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(I work at a grocery store. One day, Rick Astley’s infamous song, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” starts playing over the store speakers, and as I listen, my coworker from another department interrupts the music and takes this opportunity to make an announcement over the P.A.)

Coworker: “Attention, customers! Come on back to the meat department, where we’re never gonna give you up. We’re never gonna let you down with sub-par product, so don’t run around to other stores and hurt us. I’m never gonna tell a lie and say we don’t have great deals, so don’t say goodbye. We’re never gonna desert you. Thank you for shopping at [Grocery Store]!”

Villain Blows, And Also Sucks

, , , | Friendly | January 17, 2018

(We are watching a local pantomime. For those who don’t know the genre, it is a comedy play geared towards children and families with lots of audience participation. This one is a parody of a popular sci-fi franchise. The villain has just proclaimed their evil plan to blow up the world, to the heroes, who are in shocked silence…)

Child In Audience: “YOU SUCK!”

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