We’ve Been Hanging Around With Different People

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2018

Me: “There’s two squirrels running along the back fence. I can’t tell if they’re flirting or fighting.”

Dad: “Well, if they’re both boys or girls, they’re probably fighting. Otherwise, they’re flirting.”

Me: “Yeah, but how can you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!”

Dad: “You just need a pair of binoculars.”  

Me: “Right… and how do you sex a squirrel with binoculars?”

Dad: “Easy; you wait until they turn around and lift up their tail.” *takes sip of coffee, totally serious* “It’s the same thing with people.”


The Great Fall

, , , , | Friendly | October 15, 2018

(I am with a good friend at a fast food restaurant. We place our orders. He gets his soda and for some reason begins moving it back and forth between his hands. In that moment, everything seems to go in slow motion. In one of the hand exchanges, a finger nudges the drink up a bit. He overcompensates with the other hand, and it gets nudged a bit further until… after a series of repeated failed grabs, much like a football receiver desperately trying to hang onto a ball that’s at the tip of his fingers… the cup and contents go above his head and come back down with a grand splat on the ground. He stands there, sheepishly looking at the mess some poor employee is going to have to mop up.)

Me: “Well, that was smooth!”

Might Need To Walk Them Through It

, , , , , | Learning | October 14, 2018

(I’m working part time as a teacher in a nursery school, where the kids are all four or five years old. Today we’re getting the kids to draw around their feet and colour them in so that the parents can hang them on a wall for six months and then shove them in a cupboard.)

Me: “Okay, everyone, can you all take off one shoe and one sock?”

(Five minutes later:)

Me: “Okay ,everyone, can you all take off one shoe and one sock on the same foot?”

Black Turns White To Red

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2018

(I need some of the stuff you rub on cast-iron fireplaces to blacken them, which is called fireplace black. I can’t find it on the shelves, so I go to ask the chap working in the section where it ought to be, who happens to have extremely dark skin.)

Me: “Hi there, do you have any fireplace black?”

(The worker says nothing, just stares me right in the eye. There is a long, uncomfortable silence while he makes prolonged eye contact. Finally…)

Worker: *continuing to glare* “The fireplaces are over there, whitey.”

(I was just starting on stumbling out an incredibly embarrassed explanation and apology when he fell about laughing, and to my great relief he turned out to have been winding me up.)

Playing A Game Of Political Chairs

, , , , , | Romantic | October 13, 2018

(Australia’s frequent changing of Prime Ministers has become a running joke both there and in New Zealand, and they’ve just got a new one again. I’m getting ready for bed when I knock a stuffed koala off a shelf.)

Me: “Meh, I’ll just replace it. Isn’t that what the Australians do, just replace things?”

Girlfriend: “I’m going to get this for a whole month, aren’t I?”

Me: “Month? By the time that’s over, they will have gotten a new one again.”

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