Oh, The Humanities!

, , , , | Learning | April 16, 2018

(I attend a fairly prestigious liberal arts college, where students often try to present themselves as more intelligent and “woke” than their peers, so student humor often tends towards satirizing the pretentiousness of the student body itself. Additionally, there’s a pretty big divide between the humanities majors in Division I, arts and language, Division II, social sciences, and the STEM majors in Division III. This conversation is overheard in a dining hall between two physics majors, a boy and a girl, about a third student:)

Girl: “I like how we both tried to talk to him at the same time, but what I said was, ‘Have fun in lab!’ whereas you just declared your everlasting love—”

Boy: “I did not say, ‘everlasting’!”

Girl: “Okay, you just declared your temporary and ephemeral love—”

Boy: “Are you implying that my love for [Friend] is only meaningful if it’s eternal?”

Girl: “Am I? Does love even exist? Or is it really a social construct designed to enforce existing power structures in a post-industrial, capitalist society?”

Boy: “…”

Girl: “See? I can BS like a Div. II [humanities] major!”

No Need To Be Mooby About It

, , , , | Romantic | April 16, 2018

(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my halls comes and sits next to me. I am female.)

Guy: “Hey, how about I buy you a drink, and then we can get out of here?”

Me: “Ah, I’m really sorry. I’m a lesbian.”

(This is true.)

Guy: *thinks for a minute* “I have moobs?”

(I immediately twigged that he wasn’t serious, and he’s been one of my best friends for the last seven years. I was even his best woman when he got married.)

This Joke Is At Least Ten Years Old

, , , | Right | April 15, 2018

(At the time of the story, my future husband and I are still attending university, and we are regulars at the little cafe in the engineering building. Today, I’m particularly hungry.)

Bartender: “G’day. What will you be having?”

Me: “A coffee and one of those…” *pointing at the kourabiedes* “…what’s their name, here.”

Bartender: *offended* “What do you mean, ‘What’s their name’? We’ve had them for ten years, and…”

Husband: “What? We don’t want ten-year-old pastries, man; we want fresh ones!”

(And that’s how we were never allowed into that cafe again.)


Unable To “Hold” In The Laughter

, , , , | Working | April 15, 2018

(I work for a disability law office and often reach out to hospitals and doctor offices about our clients’ medical records. One office has contacted us to say they have never seen one of our clients, and I request a certain letter be returned to place in their file. Two weeks later, I have to contact the office about the letter, which was never sent. The woman I speak to puts me on hold to search for her fax confirmation for the letter. At first, I pay little attention to the hold music, until the man starts singing a horrible rendition of “Lavender’s Blue.” By the time the song gets near the end, he is screeching the chorus, and I’m barely struggling to contain my laughter. The song ends, I think it’s over, until the song starts up again. By the third round, I’m laughing so hard, I’m struggling to stay quiet and not interrupt my coworkers. About midway through the song, the hold music is interrupted.)

Worker: “Okay, we did find the letter, and you’re right; it didn’t send through. We should be able to send it back through within the next ten minutes.”

Me: *still struggling not to laugh* “Thank you so much. I appreciate it.”

Worker: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Have you ever listened to your hold music?”

Worker: “No, but we’ve been asked who chose our hold music. Is it that bad?”

Me: *laughing hard now* “It’s the worst! But it gave me the best laugh, ever. Whoever this guy is, he’s almost squealing when he sings the chorus.”

Worker: *laughing with me* “Now I have to hear!”

(She had a coworker call through on another line via their cell phone, put it on speaker, and put the call on hold. Within a couple of minutes, we were all laughing at the worst hold song ever chosen.)

Let’s All Go Out Together!

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 14, 2018

I am hanging out with a bunch of friends one day in college, when another friend — we’re all native English speakers, mind — bursts through the door and shouts excitedly, “Who wants to die with me?!”

After we all stare at her awkwardly for a few seconds, before she realizes what she said and starts laughing. “I mean tie-dye! Tie-dye! [Sorority] has tie-dye buckets out on the walkway!”

So, to anyone who is learning English and feeling frustrated because of the number of words that sound like something else: don’t worry about it. People who grew up speaking the language still say lots of hilariously weird things!

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