What Goes Around…

, , , , , | Related | February 5, 2020

(My mother used to go out to dinner once a month with a bunch of my sister’s classmates’ mothers. At the time, the kids were in middle school, so the mom group was affectionately called Middle School Moms, or MSM for short. They still met up in high school, but less and less. The group somewhat fell apart after high school. My mom and I are discussing how the group is going to be reunited soon.)

Mom: “So, Middle School Moms are back in action!”

Me: “Yeah? That’s cool! Now that you’re not middle school moms anymore, what are you calling yourselves?”

Mom: “I didn’t think about that.”

Me: “Well, everyone is in college or university now, so… College and University Moms?”

Mom: “Yeah! I like it! College and University Moms! C, U… Oh, no, no, no!”

Me: “Oh, no! I didn’t think about that! Okay, so no to that name!”

Mom: “Maybe we’ll just stick with Middle School Moms.”

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Someone Is Getting Very Agitated With The Salad Dressing

, , , , | Working | February 4, 2020

(I work at an assisted living facility. I’m sitting at my desk, typing up the next day’s menu as I talk to a coworker.)

Me: “Why do I always have to put ‘with dressing’ when we have a salad? Are we forcing residents to have dressing or no salad for you?”

Coworker: “Well, what else would you put on it?”

Me: “The blood of my enemies.”

Coworker: “I thought you were vegetarian?”

Me: “I’d make an exception.”

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A Kornucopia Of Surprises

, , , , , | Related | February 3, 2020

(My sister and I are at a concert for a band named after a grain. We overhear this conversation outside as an old man drops someone, presumably his grandson, off.)

Man: “Oh, this is a concert!”

Concert Goer: “Well, duh! What did you think this was?”

Man: “When you said you needed a ride to see corn, your grandmother and I thought you were going to some weird farmer show or something.”

(I have no idea what they were expecting it to be like, but I’m certainly curious what a four-hour show about corn would have been like.)

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Engaged To The House

, , , , | Romantic | February 1, 2020

(I am roughly nine years old when this happens. I have stolen several of my mother’s rings and am running around and proposing to any girl I see. My mother is very annoyed at that and begins scolding me. After ten minutes of scolding, she gives this lecture as a means of getting me to stop stealing her jewellery.)

Mom: “Besides, in Singapore, guys don’t use rings when they ask girls to marry them. They ask if they want to get a [slang for government flat] together.”

(There is apparently a law in Singapore that states that if someone wants to buy property, they must be over 35 or married.)

Me: “But that’s not how [Cousin] proposed to [Cousin’s Wife]! He knelt and had a ring.”

Mom: “[Cousin] has watched too many Hollywood movies and is not a good example. He is an outlier. That wasn’t normal.”

Me: “I don’t believe you!”

Mom: “Ask your sister how she got engaged then.”

(So, that’s what I do, immediately running out of the room and going to my big sister and her fiancé in the dining room.)

Me: “[Sister] how did [Fiancé] propose to you?”

Sister: “He didn’t.”

Fiancé: “Your big sister was the one that proposed.”

Me: *befuddled* “Huh, but don’t guys… Never mind. How did you do it?”

Sister: “I asked if [Fiancé] wanted to get a [slang for government flat] together with me.”

Fiancé: “I said yes.”

Mom: *triumphantly* “I told you so!”

Me: *speechless*

(That was, apparently, indeed how my big sister proposed to her childhood sweetheart. She asked if he wanted to get a flat with her and when he pointed out that they couldn’t buy property, she wordlessly slipped a marriage registration form across the table. It took me quite a while to realise that my mother was conning me. My big sister was an outlier and not the norm. Regardless, I stopped stealing my mom’s rings and getting down onto one knee. Instead of “Will you marry me?”, I began asking the much less volatile “Shall we get a house together?” instead.)

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Silly, Dumb, Take A Pick

, , , , | Right | January 31, 2020

(I’m working returns at a popular electronics store. An older lady comes into line and I go to help her.)

Me: “What’s going on with it?”

Customer: “Well, this mouse—” *pulls out a mouse* “—didn’t come with that… end that goes in the computer… The, uh… USP… USB!”

(I look over the wireless mouse and note that the batteries are still in the plastic. As the customer looks for her receipt, I open the battery compartment and pull out the wireless dongle.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

(The customer stops dead and turns dark.)

Customer: “Oh, darn, now you just made me feel silly. It didn’t show that in the booklet, though!”

(I take the booklet and show here where it says to open the battery compartment and remove the wireless dongle.)

Customer: “And now you made me feel dumb… Well, thanks, hun. Have a nice day.”

(She left and I kept grinning about that one for a while.)

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