That Deal Came About Organ-ically

, , , , | Right | August 27, 2020

I’m picking up my bike after scheduled maintenance.

Me: “Will I have to sell my soul to pay the bill, or can I get away with just a few organs?”

Mechanic: “It’s not that bad. Rip off your dealer and you’re set.”

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Puss In Boots… But With A Mouse

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 23, 2020

My boyfriend and I are helping my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles clean out my grandma’s old house so we can put it on the market. Since my grandma’s cat died a few years ago, she’s switched to using mouse traps, which just aren’t as effective, and we’ve been finding periodic mouse nests in the basement and attic.

As an unexpected bonus, my family offers that if my boyfriend and I want any of the stuff that’s been left behind, we’re welcome to it; anything we don’t take is getting donated. Since we just moved in together, we’re still working on setting up a household, and we happily amass a pile of pots, pans, tools, bookshelves, books, and, my favorite find of the day, two pairs of cross-country skis and poles. One pair of boots is too small for him, but the other pair will just about fit me, so when we take a break for lunch, I take them outside to check the condition.

Me: “They look pretty good! I’m guessing the mice found them, though. Once I empty out the mouse beans, they should be fine.”

Boyfriend: *Laughing* “Mouse beans? That’s a very polite way of putting it!”

Me: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “Mouse beans? Definitely the cutest way of describing mouse poop I’ve heard.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “No, I’m being very literal. Here, look.”

Sure enough, the left ski boot was full of perfectly clean, dry pinto beans that the mouse must have stolen from my grandma’s pantry and cached for winter! Once my boyfriend got over his surprise, he had a good laugh, and the boots were in perfect condition, not a shredded corner or piece of mouse poop to be found. Apparently, mice follow the “don’t s*** where you eat” rule!

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Our Chief Weapon Is Surprise!

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 21, 2020

In the time before the plague, my husband and I used to be avid convention attendees. It was fun, both to dress up and see others in costume, and wherever we go, we always bring a digital camera with us, just so we don’t fill up our phones completely.

One year, on the third day of a three-day convention, we were on the signing floor, and my husband was waiting in line for a celebrity that I was not a fan of. Instead of waiting in line, I elected to go to the shop floor, digital camera in hand. On the way there, I spotted a trio of cosplayers dressed up as Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition and got their permission to snap a picture. I (purposely) never got around to telling my husband about it, and it was quickly buried by pictures of other costumes.

A week later, after we had both gotten home, my husband was going through the camera with a friend while I was working on something else in the same room. It was very rewarding when the running commentary that accompanied each picture suddenly stopped, and my husband looked over at me in surprise. “Well,” he said, “I wasn’t expecting this.”

Best prank I’ve ever pulled.


This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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The Nightmare Way Before Christmas

, , , , | Right | August 19, 2020

I am a plumber. I am up on the roof of a house working on a plug in some of the waterlines in the house. My customer’s son walks out and looks up at me doing work on the house. My uniform has a red shirt for a top, and this is all the boy can see.

Boy: “Oh! Hey up there, are you Santa?”

Me: “It’s September.”

Boy: “So? You could be here early trying to figure out if you can fit in the chimney.”

Me: “…”

Boy: “So, are you Santa?”

Me: “Nope. Even if I was, trust me you do not want the gift that I have.”

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Sometimes You Have To Stick To What You Know

, , , | Right | August 18, 2020

This conversation happens with a resident who orders “the little round things”, her word for Cheerios, for breakfast — the same thing every single day of her long life.

I bring out pancakes to mix things up for her.

Me: “Good morning, [Resident]! I brought you something a little different today!”

She gives the most dramatic sigh I have ever heard, clearly disappointed.

Resident: “Oh… same ol’ thing…”

She was perfectly delighted when I then brought her a bowl of her favorite “little round things.”

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