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Elmo Versus Chewbacca: The Fashion Throwdown

, , , , , | Working | December 13, 2021

A while ago, a friend of mine decided to buy me a pair of sweatpants because I had told her I had trouble finding pants that fit me comfortably. Because she loves the color red, to the point that it’s the only color she wears and most people call her Red, she naturally got me red sweatpants.

They were comfortable. I had few pants that fit me and I don’t care at all about fashion, so I wore them into the office a number of times without much issue. However, one day I wore them, I got cold, so I put on the sweatshirt I keep at the office, which by coincidence was a bright red University of Maryland shirt. The red-on-red combination was a bit of an eyesore, even to my non-existent fashion sense, so I got some good-natured mocking from my peers. I stood by my choice; I’d rather look stupid than be cold!

The next day happened to be May 4th, which, of course, has become almost a holy day to “Star Wars” geeks. I happened to pass a coworker who came into work dressed as Chewbacca as I came in.

Me: “Did you see [Coworker #1]? She’s dressed as Chewbacca.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it’s a pretty good costume.”

Me: “So, you think her dressing up as Chewbacca is cool, but I still get made fun of for wearing red sweatpants? That doesn’t seem fair.”

Coworker #2: “You know, you’re right. If she gets to dress up as Chewbacca, then it’s only fair that you should be allowed to dress up as Elmo. I apologize.”

Hello, Snarky Programmer!

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 13, 2021

The first program a fledgling programmer is supposed to write is a “Hello, world” program, which literally does nothing but print out the phrase “Hello, world.” I’m not sure why it’s a thing, but all programmers know what it is.

I was going to a highly-rated college for programming and was taking the Operating Systems course, the most notoriously hard class in the entire curriculum, where we had to build our own functional operating system. We were nearing the end of when our last assignment was due, and of course, it was the hardest of all the assignments. Most of us were pulling a few all-nighters to get it done in time.

When class time rolled around for the course, we all filtered into the usual classroom to find someone had been doodling on the whiteboard in the room. In large, colorful letters, the unknown vandal had written, “HELLO, WORLD!” Underneath that, in much smaller writing, they added, “(Goodbye, social life.)”

One of my peers pointed it out, and we were all getting a bit of a chuckle out of it when our professor walked in and saw it.

Professor: “Okay, who wrote that? We have to erase it immediately! I’m not allowed to be that honest with you folks until after finals are over!”

I Need To Go Write A M*A*S*H/Bob’s Burgers Crossover Fanfic Now

, , , , , , , | Related | December 9, 2021

I’m joking with my dad about planning my funeral.

Me: “I’m gonna have a TV in the corner that just plays Bob’s Burgers on a loop the whole time.”

I pause for a second and decide to poke fun at my dad as he is the world’s biggest “M*A*S*H” fan.

Me: “At your funeral, I’ll play M*A*S*H.”

Dad: “I know you’re joking right now, but please actually do that. I think it’ll add a nice touch.”

Me: “Now you’re gonna tell me you want to be buried with your Kindle because your favorite game is on it?”

Dad: “Stop perfectly planning my funeral! I’m not dead yet! But please, yes, also do that.”

He Sent A Chill Down Their Spines

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 6, 2021

My boyfriend can be a bit… different. One day, the phone rings, and I just hear his side of the conversation.

Boyfriend: “Running? No… it’s just sitting there watching me. Plotting! Waiting for me to let my guard fall. I think it hates me. I know it’s coming for me. Oh, no… It heard me. It knows I know! It’s coming! NO! NO! AAARRRRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!”

And then he hangs up.

Me: “What the actual f***?”

Boyfriend: “Some kids called and wanted to know if my fridge was running.”

Apparently, they were really young and sounded completely freaked out, so if your kids are afraid to go into the kitchen… sorry? I really love my boyfriend but we’re never having children.

[Friend #3]’s Timing Is A Real Gas

, , , , | Friendly | December 5, 2021

Two things to know about [Friend #1]: he loves his [soft drink] in large quantities, and he is a vehement teetotaler. He has recently moved from a rural farmhouse (owned by his grandfather) to a small town, which means he is relatively new to the experience of having actual, walking-distance neighbors. This conversation happens while we’re visiting some mutual friends.

Friend #1: “Turns out my neighbors are smokers. Having to work around those fumes really makes me understand how bad an addiction really is.”

Friend #2: “What do you mean?”

Friend #1: “Well, I like [soft drink], right?”

Friend #2: “I’d call that a little more than ‘like’.”

Friend #1: “So would I. Thing is, though, if me having a can of [soft drink] meant I had to sit outside in the blazing sun and force the senses of everyone around me to suffer the byproducts of my indulgence, I wouldn’t drink [soft drink] at home.”

Me: “How exactly would you ‘force someone’s senses to suffer’ from you having a [soft drink]?”

At this moment, [Friend #3], who has been enjoying her own carbonated beverage, unleashes the LOUDEST, LONGEST belch that I have ever heard in person. She immediately covers her mouth in embarrassment as silence falls on the table.

Me: “Fair point.”

[Friend #3] started laughing as she realized her unintentional timing, and the rest of us joined in.