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Please Be Kind To Employees, Thank You

, , , , | Working | October 28, 2022

I work in retail, and I witnessed this conversation in the break room.

Coworker #1: “The way these people act, you’d think the words ‘thank you’ were the hardest words on the planet to say.”

Coworker #2: “Why do you expect them to say ‘thank you’?”

Coworker #1: “Because I was raised as a decent human being who says ‘please’ when I want something and ‘thank you’ when people do something for me. What does that tell you about the people who don’t?”

Coworker #3: “That they shop here?”

[Coworker #2] laughed, as did some others. When I looked at the group, I saw [Coworker #1] with an expression that indicated he couldn’t decide whether to laugh along or smack [Coworker #3].

When Calling Is Their Calling

, , , , , | Working | October 27, 2022

More and more companies in my area have recently outsourced calls to call centres and introduced automated call services where you have to answer questions to a robot voice before being connected to an actual person. Unfortunately, due to the call centre agents not actually being involved in the work, the service quality has dropped significantly.

One day, I need to call my electricity provider. I wait a few minutes, and then someone picks up the phone.

Employee: “Hello! This is [Employee]; you’ve reached the [Electricity Provider] helpline! How can I help you today? Because, you know, I actually can help you. We don’t outsource our calls! I actually work for [Electricity Provider], can answer all your questions about all our products, and know what I’m doing!

I cracked up laughing; he sounded so enthusiastic! To be fair, he really did know what he was doing and found a quick and creative solution to my unusual problem. I wish all helplines were like this one!

Swollen Ankles Off The Stern, Captain!

, , , , , , | Working | October 24, 2022

I’m an avid swimmer; it’s my favourite way to keep active due to some old knee injuries precluding me from high-impact sports. I normally swim every morning except Sundays, just some lazy laps in the local pool.

A few months ago, after years of trying, I fell pregnant! While I was incredibly excited, morning sickness hit hard and I didn’t swim for a few months.

Around week eighteen, I FINALLY don’t want to throw up all the time and decide to pop in for a swim. The employees, who I all know by name, haven’t seen me in months, and by now, I look like I am smuggling half a watermelon under my bathers.

Girl: “Hi, you! Long time no see!”

Me: “Hi!” *Gesturing to my stomach* “I didn’t think you’d fancy cleaning vomit out of the pool, so I stayed away for a bit. Back now, though!”

The very friendly girl sets me up in my usual end lane and chats excitedly about my pregnancy. A male employee I’ve never met before wanders up to the desk.

Girl: “Hey, [Guy], this is [My Name]. She was in here almost every day before you showed up.”

The male employee greets me warmly and then notices my protruding belly.

Guy: “Are you pregnant? And going swimming?”

I cringe, as my mother-in-law buys into the old wives’ tales about pregnant women not being supposed to swim. However, before I can say anything, he excitedly shouts:

Guy: “HUMAN SUBMARINE!”

I almost cried laughing. I’m due in a month and still go for my regular swim. Every time that employee sees me, he excitedly makes sonar noises. I love that guy.

Won’t You Be My NeighOH MY GOD

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 21, 2022

One afternoon, like clockwork, I heard my junior-high-aged daughter coming up the drive to the front steps, and then to the front door. I decided to play a prank. I stood behind the door, listening for her approach. I knew about then she would be reaching for the door knob to open the door and come inside.

I opened the door before she could, and I stuck my head out and made a godawful noise like a growling and hissing cat, hoping to startle her and get a laugh.

But just as I opened the door and let out a pretty impressive “growl-hiss”, I saw the horrified face of my very startled neighbor.

He immediately jumped back.

Neighbor: “Oh, my gosh!”

He grabbed his chest, steadied himself, and then held out his hand with an envelope.

Neighbor: “Here. The mailman delivered this to my address by mistake today.”

Me: “Oh, my! Thank you so much.”’

Neighbor: “No problem. Have a nice day!”

He turned and left… with a little more scoot to his step than before.

From that day on, every time I drove or walked past his place or saw him out watering his lawn, we would always exchange friendly, neighborly waves, but inside, I would be reminded of that day that I startled him. I have often wondered what story he tells his friends and grandkids about the neighbor lady who jump-scared him for giving her mail to her. I am embarrassed but get a laugh every time I recall his face at that moment. Poor fellow.

I don’t do that anymore — jumping out and startling people — unless I am absolutely sure it is the person my prank is intended for. The funny thing is, my daughter got home from school about a minute after that, and I didn’t even tell her what I had planned for her that had backfired on the poor neighbor guy.

The Lifelong Struggle Of An Actor With A Funny Name

, , , , , , | Related | October 15, 2022

One day, my mom says to me, with no context:

Mom: “I’m trying to think of… Bandersnatch.”

Me: “Jabberwocky?”

Mom: “No, that guy!”

Me: *Pauses* “Benedict Cumberbatch?”

Mom: “Yes! That’s it!”