(I work in a laboratory, and part of my job involves sampling products with long metal scoops. Our autoclave is broken, so to sterilise the scoops, we’ve resorted to spraying them with ethanol and then burning it off over a bunsen burner. It’s a little dangerous, especially when the ethanol inside the scoop ignites and a small flame shoots out of the opening. I am currently sterilising a batch of scoops when the safety officer comes in on his regular inspection. He looks around the lab, then stops next to me, watching me spray then flame a scoop.)

Safety Officer: “So, is there anything here, in the lab, that you have concerns about? Anything that you feel is a safety issue?”

(I look at him, then at the burning scoop in my hand.)

Me: “No, not at all.”

Safety Officer: “Oh, good.”

(We got excellent marks on that inspection.)

(It’s my last day of work; I am leaving to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been at this job for five years, so on my last few shifts I have had customers and family of coworkers coming in to say goodbye. I am on my lunch break, and one coworker and her husband come in. We are standing around talking about my toddlers, about me staying home, etc. After I while, I excuse myself to go clock back in. After doing so, I head back toward my register when I walk past them.)

Coworker’s Husband: “Get back to work!”

Me: *being a brat* “No, I don’t want to!”

(I stomp my foot like a small child, cross my arms, and whine.)

Husband: “Now, or else!”

Me: *evil grin* “Or what, I’ll be fired?”

Coworker: “I can see it now: [Manager] telling you just to go home now and never come back.”

Me: “Woohoo, I can start my summer early.”

Husband: “I never said ‘fire.’ If you don’t get back to work, you will never be allowed to leave; we will chain you to the till.”

(The manager is walking past and only hears about chaining me to till.)

Manager: “Now that would be a way to make her stay. Why didn’t I think of that? By the way, why are we chaining her?”

Me: “Because I don’t want to go back to work, we decided it would be a better punishment than firing me at this point.”

(He walks away laughing. I get back to work and finish my day. I have less than ten minutes left when my manager walks out, telling us he will be back in a minute. Thinking he’s going for a smoke, I don’t think anything of it. Next thing I know…)

Coworker #2: “What’s that for?”

(I look over to see my manager coming back in with chain he got from his truck.)

Manager: *with a really evil grin* “It’s a present for [My Name].”

(I almost die of laughter as he wraps it around me, talking to himself.)

Manager: “Now this goes around here… Oh, this should go up here! Now where should I hook it?”

(When it was said and done, he did manage to keep me for an extra ten minutes.)

(My grandma has come for a visit all the way from Romania. She’s a quirky type and pretty superstitious.The results can be either awkward or funny. Example #1: We’re having dinner and my brother bites his tongue.)

Grandma: *translated* “Someone recently told a lie.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “What did she say?”

Me: “Biting your tongue during a meal means you told a lie recently and you’ll have bad luck until you tell the truth.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: *blushing* “I was the one that dug up the flowers, not [Dog].”

(Example #2:)

Mom: “My eye keeps twitching.”

Grandma: *with her back turned, cooking* “Left or right?”

Mom: “Left. Why?”

Grandma: “Something’s going to disappoint you.”

(As if on cue, my twin brother and I come back from school.)

Twin: “Hey, Mom, you look wonderful today.”

Mom: “What did you do?”

Twin: “I failed my English test.”

(Example #3:)

Grandma: *translated* “Don’t stay in the corner of the table, [My Name] or you’ll never get married.”

Inner Me: “I wasn’t interested in getting married, anyway.”

Outer Me: “Sure, Grandma. I’ll move right away.”

(I am talking to my friend on the Internet about some things, and we eventually get on the topic of VHS tapes. As we are about twenty years old, we grew up with them for a good chunk of our early childhood.)

Friend: “Yeah, I watched VHS tapes all the time as a kid. I loved watching [Movie]; I think I can quote it from memory. Too bad I don’t have it anymore.”

Me: “RIP, VHS tapes, the building blocks of my childhood.”

Friend: “LOL! I know they were great at teaching you things. I know I had one that taught you about trains or something.”

Me: “No, I was legit meaning building blocks.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “My siblings and I are all close in age, and my Mom decided to let us play with VHS tapes as building blocks. We built houses and would outline ourselves with them when we got bored.”

Friend: “So…”

Me: “VHS tapes were literally the building blocks of my childhood.”

(I work at a site that is a major tourist destination, so we get a LOT of people for whom English is not their first language. I am watching a few people pass by, giving them pleasant smiles.)

Customer: “You look boring.”

(At this, I’m pretty sure I look a bit dumbfounded as I try to figure out what exactly happened and how to politely respond.)

Customer: “I’m sorry… Is that… not good? My English is bad.”

Me: *smiling* “Sir, ‘boring’ implies that I am dull or uninteresting, while ‘bored’ is the general term that means I find things to be dull or uninteresting. So, I would be ‘bored.’ Things are a bit slow today, but everything is fine!”

Customer: “Ah… heh. Well, I hope things improve!”

(One of my coworkers was hugely amused and kept retelling the story all day until other coworkers of mine started asking me if I was boring instead of asking me how I was. At least the customer meant well!)