Making A Blanket Statement About The Rest Of Your Lives

, , , , , | Romantic | December 18, 2017

(My boyfriend is a born and raised Hawaiian. Being part of the military, his posts have put him in deserts. As you can imagine, therefore, it doesn’t take much to get him cold. He hasn’t been in Oklahoma for very long, either, so winter nights are always fun. I, on the other hand, get hot way too easily. To keep the bill low, he has elected to keep the AC and heater off and rely on blankets and fans. One night, I wake up shivering, which rarely happens. That’s when I notice all the blankets are bundled at his feet. I’m still groggy, so I pull at the blankets to no avail.)

Me: “Babe. Babe, share.”

Boyfriend: *mumbles something*

Me: “I can’t understand you, and I’m cold. Share the blankets.”

Boyfriend: “They’re for my toes.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “So, we’ll tuck them in again.”

Boyfriend: *turns and looks me in the eye, then speaks in a very stern voice* “This is just the way it has to be now.”

(He then turned back around and went back to snoring. I finally managed to wrangle the blankets from him, doing my best to not laugh too loudly. He doesn’t remember ever saying that, and I don’t intend to let him live it down any time soon.)

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Farming Out The Same Old Story

, , , , , | Romantic | December 17, 2017

(My wife has had her car for nine years and is very sentimentally attached to it, but it has to go, as its transmission has just failed, and it is far too small to haul around the coming baby. I manage to find a buyer for just a couple hundred bucks who’ll use it until it’s kaput and then junk it. I sign the papers, take the money, and shake hands with the guy, and then call my wife at work as he drives off.)

Me: “Hi, honey. It’s sold and gone.”

Wife: “Where are they taking it?”

Me: “I assume to his home?”

Wife: “Is he taking it to a farm?”

Me: *catching on* “Yes. To a nice farm where there will be lots of space for it to drive around with other cars and play all day.”

Wife: “And it can chase scooters and cyclists?”

Me: “You bet. It might even catch a few.”

Wife: “Okay, I feel better, then. See you tonight.”

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Taking A Shortcut Is A Jerk Reaction

, , , , , | Related | December 17, 2017

(There is a lighted crossroads that my mum and I go through daily. On the corner of that junction is a pub with a carpark that opens up either side of the crossroads. If you wanted to avoid the lights, arguably you could drive through the car-park to the other side, as it would cut them out. However, the children’s playground of the pub is literally just off the car-park so children are often in it, as well, and there are signs everywhere threatening fines if you do that. Plus, it’s a jerk move. Mum and I have lined up at the crossroads in the lane turning left, and are in a small queue of traffic with a Ford at the front with a number of cars queuing behind us. The car in front of us — who earlier cut us off — decides to turn into the car-park.)

Me: “He’s going through the car-park, I bet.”

(He goes fairly slowly through the car-park, but he definitely is heading towards the other exit. Our light turns green, and we all start slowly filing around the corner.)

Mum: *under her breath* “Speed up, Ford.”

(I look at her and see she’s keeping half an eye on the driver who is trying to use the car-park as a shortcut.)

Mum: “Go on, just a little faster.”

(The Ford seems to hear us, and does speed up. He blocks the pub exit, meaning the driver has to wait for all of us to go past before he can go out.)

Mum: “Stare him down, [My Name].”

(I did so whilst cackling. He was not impressed.)

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He’s Dead-alus

, , , | Learning | December 17, 2017

(My teacher is explaining the Greek myth of Icarus and Daedalus, a story about a father and son who made artificial wings to fly over the sea. Icarus flew too high, the sun’s heat melted the wax glue holding his wings together, and he fell into the sea and drowned.)

Teacher: “…and so Daedalus flew home to Mrs. Daedalus and said to her, ‘Don’t save a place for Icarus; he’s having seafood tonight.'”

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A Silent Cry For Help

, , , | Right | December 14, 2017

(I work in a fast food restaurant that brings food out to the customers instead of having them wait at the counter. I am out cleaning off tables when I see a family taking funny pictures with a mom and her son when this happens:)

Son: *looks behind at me, and mouths* “Help me!”

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