Pre-Show Entertainment

, , , , | Right | November 30, 2017

(At our theater, the online ordering part of our ticketing software includes a “Comments” section on each order. Most people leave the field blank, but some include relevant questions or complaints. Recently, someone left this comment on their order:)

Comment: “When I come for the tickets, offer a fist bump. I will then say, ‘Paper covers rock,’ and put my hand over your fist. You’ll know it’s me.”

(I’m a somewhat socially awkward person who benefits from the rules and boundaries of customer service, so I find this both hilarious and a little terrifying. I tell a much more extroverted coworker she has to do it. She is delighted.)

Coworker: “Are you picking up tickets?”

Customer: “Yes, they’re under [Customer].”

Coworker: *gleefully whispers* “This is my moment!” *hands over tickets, offers fist*

Customer: *puts his hand over hers* “Paper covers rock.”

Coworker: “Woo!”

(The customer’s party cracks up.)

Me: “Well done.”

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Not In The Spirit Of The Phonetic Alphabet

, , , , , | Related | November 29, 2017

Not (My aunt works as a 911 dispatcher and owns a dog named Charlie.)

Mom: “Hey, [Aunt], what’s your Wi-Fi password?”

Aunt: “Hold on; I have it written down here somewhere… Okay, it’s 123, ‘Charlie,’ 456, ‘Whiskey.'”

Mom: “No, it says that’s incorrect. You said, ‘[repeats back password]’?”

Aunt: “Yeah, it should work… Wait, are you typing ‘Charlie’ and ‘Whiskey’ in as words?!”

Mom: “Well, yes!”

Aunt: “Oh, I was using the phonetic alphabet! It’s 123C456W!”

Mom: “‘Charlie,’ I didn’t question, but I didn’t think whiskey was so important to you!”

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A Sickening List Of Ingredients

, , , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2017

(My mum and I work and live together, and we’ve swung by the local supermarket to pick up some things. My day has been awful, so I go around picking things up for myself. I meet up again with my mum before checking out.)

Mum: “Milkshake and cream dessert? You’re not allowed dairy! You’ll get sick!”

Me: “Tobacco and wine? You’ve got half a working lung! You are sick!”

Mum: *pauses* “Touché.”

(No, neither of us put anything back.)

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Wanted Anything… Except THAT

, , , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2017

Waitress: “And what would you like to drink?”

Me: “I don’t know. Anything. Surprise me.”

(She gives me this devilish smile that makes me instantly feel like I’m going to regret this.)

Waitress: “So, just to clarify: you want anything?”

Me: “Yep. Go crazy.”

Waitress: “I’ll be right back.”

(She comes back a few minutes later and sets my drink down on the table. She has made me a “root beer” float with mint chocolate chip ice cream and rainbow sprinkles, only instead of using root beer she has mixed [Dark Soda], [Lemon Lime Soda], and fruit punch. And then, once I start drinking it, I realize there is a strip of bacon torn into pieces at the bottom. It is the grossest thing I’ve ever had, but I drink it, anyway, because I really did say, “Anything.” The waitress returns later to ask how everything is.)

Waitress: “Holy crap! You actually drank that?”

Me: “Yes. If you ever see me in here after this and I ask you to surprise me again, please slap me with a menu and make me actually pick something.”

(She brought me some chocolate milk to wash the taste down and didn’t charge me for the first drink, because, apparently, the fact that I actually drank it was the funniest thing ever to her and her coworkers.)

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Working Here Beats The Humanity Out Of You

, , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(I am calling a computer company in regards to paying my bill. A pre-recorded message picks up.)

Message: “[Business]. For help servicing your computer, press one. For setting up an appointment, press two. For pricing information, press three. To speak to any available human, press zero.”

(I stop and look at the phone a few seconds, then proceed to press zero.)

Employee: “Hello, [Employee] speaking. Thank you for calling [Business]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, is this a human?”

(Long silence.)

Employee: “I think so.”

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