I live in a small town, the kind where everyone knows everyone.
My friend sent me a letter. On the envelope, she accidentally put my parents’ street number but my street name.
The postman knew my parents well, and asked them to give me the letter. It still got to me on time. Best part of small-town America.
(I have just had an easy break-up with my boyfriend. We remain friends afterwards and have no hard feelings. While attending a party together, I see an old friend, and the three of us strike up a conversation.)
Old Friend: “So, how are you two doing?”
Me: “Oh, we broke up.”
Old Friend: “Really? What happened?”
Me: *grinning impishly* “We turned each other gay.”
(My ex and friend just stare at me for a few seconds before laughing.)
Ex: “That’s what you’ve been saying? I’ve just been saying we broke up! I am definitely using that now!”
(My mom works at hotel near a movie theater. I go to see a movie one day and then meet her at the hotel so she can drive me home.)
Me: “Hey, Mom!”
Mom: “Hey, bunnie!”
Me: “Good. How are you?”
Mom: “I didn’t ask that.”
(I promptly walked off down the hallway to sit on the floor and think about my actions.)
(I’ve finally gotten around to playing the video game, “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.” Since I’ve never played before, I talk to all the characters standing and walking around. In the cantina on the starting world, I have an encounter with one of the patrons.)
Woman: “Where did you get those clothes, a trash compactor in the lower city? And where are those drinks we ordered?”
Real Me: “Wow, rude little brat.”
Me In Game: “Who are you, and why are you bossing me around?”
Woman: “Why is the help here so incompetent? One word from Daddy and I could get you fired!”
Real Me: “Holy crap, it’s a virtual Not Always Right story.”
Me In Game: “I don’t even work here!”
Woman: “How dare you speak to me like that? Daddy’s going to hear about this!” *runs off*
Real Me: “Okay, this was some impressive realism for a Star Wars game.”
(Later, when I left the cantina, she showed back up and set some thugs on me. I shot down her thugs, Han-Solo-style, and she ran off screaming for Daddy. It’s a good thing most real-life stories don’t go that far!)
(My family and I are enjoying dinner at home when a telemarketer calls. My mom answers.)
Telemarketer: “Good evening, this is [Telemarketer] from [Cleaning Company]. Are you interested in having your carpets cleaned?”
Mom: “I’m sorry; we don’t have any carpets.”
Telemarketer: “No problem. We also do hardwood floors. Would you be interested in having your hardwood floors cleaned?”
Mom: “We don’t have any floors!” *hangs up*
