So THAT’S What He Did After The Bible

, , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2018

(It’s the new year, and Mum is putting away the Christmas decorations. One of the things she got for Christmas was a large Santa gnome decoration, which my brother and his girlfriend insisted be named. Note: My mum grew up, and is to date, religious.)

Mum: “[My Name], what did we name the Santa?”

Me: “I don’t know; it had like three complicated names. Why don’t you just rename it?”

Mum: “Okay, then his name will be Joseph!”

Me: “Joseph?”

Mum: “Yeah, after the Polish guy who gave my dad a bottle of alcohol every Christmas, which always irritated my mum.”

Me: “Ah, so not Joseph Joseph.”

Mum: “No, that would be weird.”

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No Wonder Fries Are So Addictive…

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 1, 2018

(My grandfather was a math teacher, and this is a story I heard about him many times. Given the end result, I believe the particular topic at hand was statistics.)

Grandfather: “Now, nobody needs to answer, and if you do, I’m not going to tell anyone. How many people here have smoked marijuana?”

(Several hands go up.)

Grandfather: “Okay. Now, keep your hand up if the first time you ever had mashed potatoes came before the first time you ever had marijuana.”

(Everyone’s hand stayed up. And that’s how my grandfather “proved” that mashed potatoes are a gateway drug.)

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Long Distance Is So Easy I Can Do It In My Sleep

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 31, 2017

(At this time my boyfriend and I are long-distance, and both in school. He’s commuting an hour and back to school every day. We video call before going to bed. I share a bedroom, and my roommate lets me know when she’s getting ready for bed so I can end the conversation or move to the living room.)

Roommate: *coming into bedroom* “When are you guys planning to go to sleep?”

Me: “I don’t know. Sweetie, when are you going to sleep?”

Boyfriend: *sounding quite drowsy* “As often as possible.”

Roommate: *cracking up* “That means now.”

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Not Even Christmas Lights Can Penetrate Those Skulls

, , , , , , , | Related | December 31, 2017

(My father, sisters, and I are visiting our grandparents for New Year’s. We’re all piled into their SUV, as it’s easier to take one vehicle, and getting ready to go out to dinner. My grandmother, sisters, and I are in the back two rows while my dad and grandpa are up front. As we’re pulling out of the drive way, we notice that the lights in Dad’s vehicle are on. It turns out I hadn’t shut the door all the way when I got something out of there earlier.)

Grandma: “Yup, men have good eyes, they do. Not much gets past them.”

Sister: *in the furthest back row* “Yeah, not much gets through to them, either.”

(We’re all trying hard not to laugh too loud, because neither of them noticed, being in the far front and in conversation.)

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A Wizards’ Fireworks Explode Precisely When They Intend To

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2017

(I get home from a friend’s house with my fiancé after watching the New Year’s fireworks. I’m not one for fireworks, but you could see them from the house.)

Me: *to fiancé* “Well, I’ll say it again, the same as I’ve said it every year: they’re not as good as Gandalf’s.”

(He just smiled and shook his head. Happy New Year’s!)

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