Jokes Are Your Real Calling

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2017

(I work in an outbound call center. Customers fill out information online and we, along with others in our industry, then make calls… a lot of them. This leads to a lot of people getting irate. Sometimes we win them over; sometimes we can’t. This guy, though…)

Me: “Hi, is this [Customer]?”

Customer: “You are the ninth person to call me!”

Me: “I’m the ninth caller? Do I win the car?”

(This brought him to a stop and made him laugh. While he and I did have a good conversation, ultimately, we weren’t able to help him. Call of the day, though!)

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Your Skeletons Don’t Need To Be In The Closet

, , , , | Romantic | October 22, 2017

(My boyfriend is notorious for not noticing things in our living space. I have to put things right in front of him for him to notice, and even then it’s 50/50 chance he’ll react. I just put up a small picture of a character from a comic. A few minutes later he walks past it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, I see you’ve put up a picture of [Character].”

Me: “Yes, I did. I’m surprised you noticed it this quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Why, has it been there long?”

Me: “No, I put it up like five minutes ago. But usually you never notice these things.”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Me: “The hedgehog figure I put in the window sill in our previous apartment? It took you weeks to notice it, and it wasn’t even that small or hidden away.”

Boyfriend: “That was just because I never looked at the window sill! Like, right now you could hide a dead body by the living room window and I wouldn’t notice because I never look that way!”

Me: “…Okay.”

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Making A Meal Out Of A Meal Deal

, , , , , | Friendly | October 22, 2017

(Overheard with no context at the library.)

Guy: “Absolutely nailing a meal deal? That’s how you know you had a really banging birthday.”

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Dying To Get It Done

, , , , , , , | Related | October 21, 2017

(My family has always had a morbid sense of humor. It’s our thing. We’ve also known from a young age that our mother wants to be cremated. My step-dad isn’t as morbid as we are, and after a shopping trip our mom sits down next to us.)

Mom: “So, you know that I want to be cremated right?”

(My sisters and I nod, having known this for more than ten years.)

Mom: “Well, I don’t want to be carried around. I want you to either dump me somewhere or put me in a wall.”

Me: “So, not what we did to [Dog who was cremated].”

Mom: “Yeah, that wasn’t the best decision. Anyway, I read an article about how you can turn the ash into stone.”

Me: *who had seen an article about something similar* “Then we stick it in a sword!”

Mom: “Yeah… No. You stick it in a necklace. That way, each of you can carry me around.”

Me: “I’m totally down for that.”

Sister #1: “That’d be so weird; like, imagine you had your boyfriend who wanted to meet your parents.”

Me: *holding up fake necklace* “You’ve already met my mom! She approves!”

(My mom and sisters start to crack up.)

Sister #2: “Imagine if it was a mood necklace.”

Me: *grinning devilishly* “Here, hold this.” *hands over fake necklace* “Oh, see that color there. That brown means that my mom doesn’t approve. If the color was pink she would approve.”

(We all have a good laugh.)

Mom: “See, [Step-Dad] thought you guys wouldn’t like it.”

Sister #1: “[Mom], you know we’re morbid. Of course we like it.”

Sister #2: “So, who’s paying to have it done?”

Mom: “Can’t you wait until I’m dead?!”

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The Next Big Science: A Formaldehyde-Resistant Strapless

, , , , | Working | October 20, 2017

(I work for my university, prepping equipment and chemicals for the undergraduate lab classes. Since I’m working with a lot of chemical stains, I usually show up to work wearing lab coats and my rattiest T-shirts. However, I’m also a research student, and we’re required to dress up when we present our work at the biannual symposium. As such, I’m wearing a nice dress today instead of my usual cut-offs and T-shirt, and apparently some people weren’t expecting it.)

Lab Manager: “Excuse me, miss, you can’t be in… Holy s***, [My Name]! I didn’t recognize you! Why the hell are you wearing a dress?!”

Me: “It’s symposium day; I have to dress up to present my work.”

Lab Manager: “Christ, that’s today? Well, good luck! You do look nice; I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a skirt. It’s weird.”

(Later, in the research lab…)

Principal Investigator: “Holy cow, [My Name]. You look great! Why don’t you dress like that every day?”

Me: “Because most days, I’m hauling formaldehyde-soaked dissection specimens or scrubbing test tubes out with bleach, and I like this dress!”

Principal Investigator: *laughing* “Fair enough. So, ready for your presentation?”

(My presentation did actually go very well, but I continued getting spit-take reactions throughout the day. Since then, I’ve made it a point to dress up one or two days a semester when I’m not working; the double-takes are just too much fun!)

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