(My mother and I are driving home from another state. The GPS worked wonderfully on the drive there, but is refusing to actually start navigating home. After the third try at talking the phone into giving directions, my mom picks up her phone to do it manually.)

Mom: *under her breath* “Moronic piece of s***.”

Phone: *cheerfully* “I hear you!”

(I’m chatting with a customer and it comes up that her entire arm, from the elbow down, was badly broken in a car accident. She is only just starting to get enough control of her hand to limply hold a pen. The conversation, of course, drifts to her physical therapy, and she talks about her progress as I encourage her.)

Me: *single fist-pump* “You can do it!”

Woman: *laughing* “No, I can’t! That’s the problem!”

Me: *single fist-pump* “You’ll eventually be able to do it!”

(We chatted for another minute or so before she left. I hope she recovers quickly, or, at the very least, is able to keep smiling as she goes!)

(There’s been a regular that we’ve had coming for years now, and all of the staff knows him. We look forward to him coming, and he’s gotten our personalities down pat. This is going on before he enters the store.)

Customer #1: “Can I get a refill, please?”

Me: “Of course!”

([Customer #1] and [Customer #2] hand me their drinks, and I’m filling them as the regular customer comes into the store.)

Me: *yells out in a joking tone* “You know you’re not allowed in here!”

Regular Customer: “How many energy drinks have you had already today?! And how’s your ankle feeling?”

Me: *as I’m walking to the table* “It’s getting better!”

(Another regular walks in. I yell out the other regular’s name and ask her how she is today; she smiles and answers back as she heads to the restroom. I hand [Customer #1] and [Customer #2] their refills.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can get you?”

Customer #1: “No, but I have a question: are you going to remember my name every time I come back?”

Me: *laughing* “Only if you come back every week!”

Customer #1: “I’ll come back every other week, then!”

(I didn’t know how to answer that, and thankfully [Regular #2] walked out of the bathroom just then. I had her rung up and had her sides and drink ready before she even sat down. [Regular #2] loves this and is always happy with the service we provide. The whole time during this, [Customer #1] and his companion were just staring at me, and when I walked into the back I heard [Regular #2] laugh at something and say, “No, I love it! I wouldn’t know my own order if [My Name] didn’t take me.” Thankfully, that table left before they experienced four more regulars walking in right after.)

Me: “There’s two squirrels running along the back fence. I can’t tell if they’re flirting or fighting.”

Dad: “Well, if they’re both boys or girls, they’re probably fighting. Otherwise, they’re flirting.”

Me: “Yeah, but how can you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!”

Dad: “You just need a pair of binoculars.”  

Me: “Right… and how do you sex a squirrel with binoculars?”

Dad: “Easy; you wait until they turn around and lift up their tail.” *takes sip of coffee, totally serious* “It’s the same thing with people.”

(I am with a good friend at a fast food restaurant. We place our orders. He gets his soda and for some reason begins moving it back and forth between his hands. In that moment, everything seems to go in slow motion. In one of the hand exchanges, a finger nudges the drink up a bit. He overcompensates with the other hand, and it gets nudged a bit further until… after a series of repeated failed grabs, much like a football receiver desperately trying to hang onto a ball that’s at the tip of his fingers… the cup and contents go above his head and come back down with a grand splat on the ground. He stands there, sheepishly looking at the mess some poor employee is going to have to mop up.)

Me: “Well, that was smooth!”