The Internet Sucks!

, , , , , | Working | November 22, 2017

(I’m the awkward worker in this one. It is 1999, and I am working for a big electronics retailer. The Internet is beginning to be pretty ubiquitous, but you still run into people that have never used it before. One day a customer tells me he wants to learn “that Internet thing” and begins asking me a bunch of questions about it. I’m happy to show him some of the basics on one of our Internet-connected display computers.)

Customer: “I don’t even know where to start. What do people even use it for?”

Me: “Mostly to search for information. Say, for example, you want to find some info out about our store, you just go to this search bar here and type in our company name, and it will come up with a bunch of links related to us.”

(I type in our company name, and I’m a little embarrassed to see that the first hit is a blog website called “[RETAILER] SUCKS!” I try to do a new search before the customer notices.)

Me: “Uh… Or you can do a search on [Local Sports Team] and find out when they’re playing next.”

Customer: “Wait, wait, go back! What was that? It said ‘[RETAILER] SUCKS!’ Why would your Internet say that?”

Me: “Uh… well, it’s not our Internet; it’s the Internet. We don’t have control over everything that goes on it.”

Customer: “Oh, cool! So, anyone can put stuff on there?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty much. Apparently, these people don’t like us very much.”

Customer: “Neat! I’m going to look at this for a while!”

(He spent the next hour or so happily reading that blog on our display computer in the store. Later that night when I got home, I looked up that same blog and spent many hours of enjoyable reading on it myself. It was like a pre-2000s version ofNot Always Right” specifically for our company!)

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The Gallifreyan Version Of A Magic Eight Ball

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2017

(My friends and I are part of a Doctor Who fan-club. One day I come in with a stuffed version of one of the show’s characters, a robot dog called K-9, programmed to say a few of his phrases from the show when you press a button. Everyone starts playing with him.)

Friend #1: “Hey, K-9. What do you think of me?”

K-9: “Maximum defence mode!”

Friend #1: “Wow. That was… harsh. What do you think of [Friend #2]?”

K-9: “Master?”

Friend #2: “Wow; I guess K-9 has his favourites, don’t you?”

K-9: “Affirmative.”

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A Longer Memory Would Invite Trauma

, , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(The manager is always making us watch training videos.)

Manager: “[My Name], did you watch this video?”

Me: “I don’t know what’s it about.”

Manager: “‘The Facts About Great Customers.'”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe. I watched a lot of videos last month. I don’t know if I watched that one.”

Manager: “You don’t know what you watched last month?!”

Me: “I work in customer service, so I only have short-term memory.”

Manager: “Good point.”

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That’s Been Gar-Licked

, , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(We’re on vacation, and we stop at a craft fair. A woman is demonstrating a device that can make, among other things, potato chips.)

Woman: “We’re gonna season the potatoes now, with a little garlic powder, a little onion powder, and a little salt.” *she starts with the garlic powder* “Now, y’all don’t wanna use too much garlic—”

(As she says this, the top of the garlic jar pops off, and a bunch of garlic powder gets dumped into the pot, and everyone laughs.)

Woman: *slightly embarrassed* “Ah, that’s okay. Y’all eat it, anyway.”

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Solved That Problem With A Novel Solution

, , , , | Learning | November 21, 2017

(One of my classmates is a hard-working student, she has sass and attitude, and she isn’t afraid of anything. In spite of this, she can’t get her average grades up over 50%, and that’s even after I offer to tutor her as I have a 90% average.)

Classmate: *struggling to work out a problem* “Uh… [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Classmate: “You’re super smart, right?”

Me: “Uh…”

Teacher: “Yes, he is, but don’t let that discourage you.”

Classmate: “And you’re going to be, like, a super successful lawyer right?”

Me: “That’s what I’m aiming for, yeah…”

Classmate: “Can I be your trophy wife?”

(I think our teacher almost died that day. On a side note, I did graduate law school, I am currently engaged to my classmate, and she’s still a bit of an airhead, but she managed to get into a medical school aiming for a position as a nurse!)

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