(My husband and I are eating a dinner of steak and garden peas together. Midway through the meal, he throws a couple of peas at me.)

Husband: *giggles* “I just peed on you!”

(A few minutes later he picks up his soda, glancing seductively at me.)

Husband: “Maybe later I’ll ‘mount-and-do’ you.”

(I’m so glad I found someone who enjoys the same humor as I do.)

(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch p*rn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

(I have been subject to a slew of scam calls today. This is the shortest one.)

Scammer: *thick Indian accent* “This is [Extremely Caucasian Name] calling from the United States Treasury Department. How are you today?”

Me: “I know this is a scam.”

Scammer: *sounding delighted* “Oh! You’re a smart one! You know this is a scam. Goodbye.”

(My company switched their ordering system this year to large shipments every other month instead of regular shipments every month. Because of this, we can sometimes run out of popular candy in the last week or so before the shipment comes in.)

Customer: “What?! You’re out of [Popular Candy #1] and [Popular Candy #2]?! I’ve got to talk to a manager! Are you the manager?”

Me: *shrugging* “I’m the associate manager.”

Customer: “Well, now we’ve got to fight.”

Me: “Okay. Put ’em up!”

(I start “threatening” the customer by waving my fists at her cartoonishly. She laughs, but then accidentally knocks over a box of lollipops, spilling them on the floor.)

Me: “Oh, now we’ve really got to fight!”

(We didn’t fight, but she did buy a couple of lollipops.)

(By some miracle, I find myself in a polite, intelligent, and coherent conversation regarding gun control. The topic drifts into people overreacting to seeing the words “gun control” at all, and then on to terrible gun jokes, such as how “AK” and “AR” mean the guns are from Alaska and Arkansas. A new person enters the chat room.)

Me: “That’s why gun control is so important; it keeps geography intact!”

New Person: “Not this f****** conversation again!”

(He promptly exited the chat room as we went back to laughing about people overreacting to seeing the words “gun control” at all.)