Don’t Get Sandwiched Between Her Opinions

, , , , , , | Related | January 4, 2018

(My parents and my paternal grandmother lived together for a couple of years before I was born. One day, my mother comes home, looks in the refrigerator, and asks my grandmother:)

Mother: “What happened to the sandwich I made for [Dad]?”

Grandmother: “Oh, that was a sandwich? I saw two dried-up pieces of bread with something odd between them, and threw it out.”

(Some years later, my grandmother goes on a hunger strike because she doesn’t get her way. My aunt — my father’s sister — is worried about her and keeps begging her to eat. My parents, by now living out of town, come by for a visit.)

Mother: “So, [Grandmother], you’ve lost some weight. You look good!”

(My grandmother started eating shortly thereafter.)

If You’re Screwed You Win

, , , , , , , , | Working | January 3, 2018

(I am walking past the checkouts and see a few workers pointing at random customers. One points at me. I decide to investigate.)

Me: “Sorry, I couldn’t help noticing… What are you talking about?”

Coworker #1: *nervous* “Umm, we were just playing a game.”

Coworker #2: “F***, marry, kill?”

Me: “Oh, I know that.” *walks away* “Wait… Which one was I?”

Coworker #2: “Umm, f***.”

Me: “Oh!”

Coworker #2: “But I would have to get really drunk beforehand… but only because I’m gay. Not because you aren’t attractive, or anything.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Coworker #2: “I think I’ll just go over there and kill myself now.”

Me: “Oh, well. Nice knowing you!”

(As I walked away I heard them grilling him on why he told me. Despite it being highly inappropriate, I found it quite funny. I also was the one who asked, so I didn’t really have a right to be offended, anyway.)

Comedy Made In Utero

, , , , , | Related | January 3, 2018

(It’s my birthday.)

Mom: “I’m so glad you decided to come into this family.”

Me: “Yeah, well, it wasn’t really my decision. It was way comfier just hanging out in your uterus, but, of course, you had to kick me out against my will. You are the worst landlord ever.”

Mom: *laughs*

The Court Of Love Deems This Dream Guilty

, , , , , | Romantic | January 3, 2018

(My boyfriend’s leg is digging into my thigh while he’s sleeping.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], move your leg.” *push*

Boyfriend: *mumbles while moving* “[Mumbles something] …your girlfriend.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: *rolls over* “Anything you say will be used against you in the court of love!”

(I busted out laughing. He had no recollection the next day, but he laughed, too, when I told him.)

We’re Going To Come Under Fire For This One

, , , , | Related | January 3, 2018

(I live in Montana, but my brother-in-law lives in California with his daughter. Recently there have been several large and out-of-control fires raging in California.)

Father-In-Law: *talking about a conversation with his son earlier* “So, he says they’re going to go down and pick out a Christmas tree.”

Me: *from the other room* “Are you sure there are any left?”

Father-In-Law: *thoughtfully* “You know, I don’t know if they’ve sold out or not.”

Me: “No, I mean with all the fires… It was humor. Dry humor. Like California.”

(I pause dramatically.)

Me: “I’m on fire… just like California!”

(I make dry, morbid jokes. So sue me!)