I had been having horrible stomach cramps, to the point where I could barely stand. I’ve already had my appendix removed, so my doctor ran a few other tests and determined the pain was from a bowel obstruction. He sent me home with instructions to drink more water and take a laxative and some OTC pain killers.

While waiting in the checkout line with my purchase, several waves of cramps came over me and I started seeing stars. The cashier saw me start to stumble and called for help. More stars appeared before the pain became so intense I passed out.

When I regained consciousness, there was a crowd surrounding me with a mixture of emotions on their faces. Some were concerned, others embarrassed, and others looked like they were trying not to laugh, but none of them are looking at me. I started to sit up and the associate closest to me — the pharmacist who helped me pick my laxative — told me to stay still and wait for the ambulance to arrive.

I asked what happened and the pharmacist blushed deeper. I looked down to make sure I hadn’t lost control of my bladder. I hadn’t, but then I realized my stomach didn’t hurt as much anymore. I made that comment aloud, and some of the crowd laughed. A man from the crowd leaned in and told me that when I hit the floor, I’d released the biggest, loudest, longest fart he’d ever heard out of any human being.

The people gathered around were obviously there to see how I handled the news of my flatulent faux pas. I was terribly embarrassed, but I was also so relieved that I wasn’t in pain anymore, I just laughed until I cried. The ambulance arrived shortly thereafter and gave me the okay to go home. I apologized to everyone in the vicinity and told them I hoped the rest of their day went better than mine.

(It seems that prerecorded callers are getting smarter every day, since they’ve started to build in responses like, “You know, you’re talking to a real person,” and “Hello? Are you there?” when I either don’t respond immediately or start talking over them, asking if they’re a robot. But none of them can pass the litmus test I’ve started using. I’m at my desk at work when my cell phone rings. It’s not an 800 number, and I’ve gotten a ton of similar calls from seemingly-normal numbers which turn out to be robocalls. I answer, expecting that this won’t take more than a few moments, since it’s probably just a robot.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hi. Is this [Not My Name]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number.”

Caller: *without missing a beat or acknowledging that I’ve said it’s the wrong number* “Oh, well, I’m hoping to update this account information. This [Charity] is—“

Me: *interrupting* “Are you a robot? Can you hear me?” *repeated a couple times, attempting to interrupt and see if it’s a simple recording*

Caller: *after a few seconds* “Sorry, but I’m not a robot.”

Me: “Okay, then say the phrase, ‘chicken sandwich,’ if you’re not a robot.”

Caller: *tries to go into charity spiel again*

Me: “Say, ‘chicken sandwich,’ if you’re not a robot.”

(I interrupt with this request a couple more times, with no acknowledgement from the other end of the call.)

Caller: *eventually* “Have a nice day.” *hangs up*

(Since the person couldn’t follow a simple instruction to say a simple phrase, I could only assume it was a recording. I called back the number and got a recording and a message that said, “If you’re on the National Do-Not-Call List–” I am! “–and wondering why we’re calling you, it’s because charities are exempt.” I waited until it gave me the option to press a number to remove my name from their call list. Hopefully now the calls will stop, at least from whoever this was. It’s frustrating, especially because they seem adamant about keeping up this farce that they’re not using robocalls. Either that, or the person really was unable to say the phrase “chicken sandwich.”)

(For the entire week when this happens, I have been reminding my husband to go to the store and pick up milk. We have been married a few months now and neither of us knows that I talk in my sleep. One night, my husband and I are in bed. I have already fallen asleep and my husband is just drifting off when I speak.)

Me: “You need to go right now and buy it.”

Husband: “Buy what?”

Me: “The cow! You need to go get the cow right now!”

Husband: *confused* “A cow?”

Me: *wakes up* “What the h***? What are you talking about? Let me sleep.”

Husband: *starts laughing*

Me: *confused*

Husband: “Sorry, babe, go back to sleep.”

(The next morning, he went to pick up the milk. I’ve had many more weird conversations in my sleep with him since then, but most of them have been incoherent.)

(I work in a movie theatre. A customer approaches the kiosk.)

Me: “Hello. Can I get you anything?”

Customer: “A large popcorn, please.” *as I’m filling a box* “It’s very pretty in here. Is it always like this?”

Me: “Oh, no. Two of our managers just got engaged to each other, and seeing as it’s Pride Month, we decided to celebrate a little.”

Customer: “Oh!” *looks around* “So, this is what it’s like to be inside the Gay Agenda. It’s very colourful.”

(He then left the kiosk and walked into his screening, while I stood there shouting, asking if he still wanted his popcorn.)

This story is part of the Pride Month 2023 roundup!

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(My professor was born and raised in California, and decided to move to Texas for more experience. The university is in a small town full of hunters, farmers, and ranchers, so people know how to shoot a gun. Since he teaches Federal Government, we are on the topic of the Amendments, more into the Second Amendment.)

Professor: “I’m glad I live in Texas now. It’s because you guys are into the Second Amendment, so I know you all have a concealed firearm. So, if something happens, I’ll have free bodyguards and all I have to do is duck.”