(I’ve been referred to a gynaecologist. After taking my history he shows me behind a curtain, where there is a bed with stirrups, and asks me to get ready for an examination. After a minute or two, I am ready.)
Doctor: *from the other side of the curtain* “Are you decent?”
(My legs are in stirrups, and my genitals are completely exposed.)
Me: *jokingly* “Well, I definitely wouldn’t say I’m decent…”
(Mum and I are both watching a programme with the comedian Sue Perkins as she follows the Mekong river in China. She’s been driven up one of the mountains and gotten out part way to talk about the river. She also talks about how the altitude is affecting her and she’s lightheaded. She’s doing this whilst stood on the edge of the road that seems to have a sheer drop with no barrier. Mum and I are both acrophobic — we’re scared of heights to an irrational level.)
Me: *getting anxious* “She is really starting to bother me. She’s getting lightheaded and is stood… there.”
Mum: “On the edge.”
Me: “Nothing to break her fall.”
Mum: “Well, we wouldn’t be there. We’d be against the mountain going, ‘Sue! Suuuue! Come away from the edge!'”
Me: *pretending to be more panicked than I am* “‘Sue, it’s not safe!'”
Mum: *also pretending panic* “’Suuuue!’”
(It then pans out to show that she genuinely is on the edge of the cliff.)
Mum & Me: *no longer pretending* “SUE!”
(Thankfully, it cuts to a different take.)
(When other cars are around, my father is a very good driver. When there aren’t cars nearby, he doesn’t pay quite so much attention and often slides a bit into other lanes. This really annoys my mother, but after 27 years, she’s come to the conclusion that it’s not worth mentioning unless it’s quite egregious. Every so often, though, she feels the need to say something, as in this instance:)
Mom: “Honey… you’re in the bike lane.”
Dad: “Oh, that’s okay; I only have two wheels there!”
(It should be noted that he would have been nowhere near the bike lane if there were bikes anywhere in the vicinity. He really is a very safe driver. But he saw his chance to be a smart-alec, and he took it.)
(I teach advanced classes at a fine arts school. The building is old, and it shows, but since it’s state property, it takes loads and loads of paperwork to get anything fixed. We’re left with buzzing lamps, cracked walls, and mirror-smooth floors and stairs with no friction whatsoever. One day, as I walk to the classroom, I find one of my students sprawled across the stairs, not moving.)
Me: “Oh, God! [Student], are you okay?!”
Student: “Yeah, doc, I’m fine. Just thinking, y’know? This place has been here for quite a while… Imagine how many scholars and artists walked on these stairs, how many other people must have been here before them, paving the way for us…”
Me: “You slipped and fell, didn’t you?”
Student: “I slipped and fell, doc. And it really hurts, so I’m just chillin’ until it passes.”
(At work, we’re sat in groups of four on one pod — basically four curved desks pushed together so all the computers are in the middle. [Coworker #1] of the pod has a cat called Margaret — her first cat. [Coworker #2] and I have had many cats in the past but not currently, and [Coworker #3] has never had a cat but understands how they work. We’re just generally chatting when the topic goes on to Margaret the cat.)
Coworker #1: “Ugh, Margaret was being a little b**** last night.”
Coworker #3: “Cats cannot be b****es.”
Me: “They can be a**holes, though.”
Coworker #3: “Yes, they seem to do that a lot.”
Coworker #1: “Fine. Margaret was being a little not-b**** last night.”
Coworker #2: “Why was your cat a little not-b****?”
Coworker #1: “She wouldn’t go out!”
(There is a pause.)
Coworker #2: “And?”
Coworker #1: “We put her out every night, and last night she wouldn’t go out.”
Me & Coworker #2: “Yes?”
Coworker #1: “We had to chase her round the house to try and get her to go out!”
Coworker #3: “Isn’t that normal?”
Me: “Yup.”
Coworker #1: “Is it?”
Me & Coworker #2: “Yup.”
Me: “If a cat doesn’t want to go out, it will not go out.”
Coworker #2: “They’re even worse if you’re trying to get the a**hole in.”
(I nod mock-solemnly in agreement.)
Coworker #1: “But if she’s in, she runs about the house in the middle of the night!”
Me: “She sounds like a normal, healthy cat.”
Coworker #1: “THIS IS NORMAL?!”
Me & Coworker 2: “Yup.”
Coworker #1: “Shouldn’t she be asleep at night?”
Me: “Cats are mostly nocturnal. So… no.”
Coworker #1: “Why can’t she just love me unconditionally, sleep at night, and do as I say?”
Coworker #3: “Well, those kinds of animals do exist… They’re just called dogs.”
