Get Your Head(set) In The Game

, , , , , | Working | March 2, 2018

(I go out with my fiancé and two of our close friends to a nice Thai food place in a shopping center. There’s an outdoor sitting area overlooking the parking lot and a pair of standalone fast food places nearby. A coffee shop is directly across the way from us, and we are able to hear the workers on the drive-thru speaker very clearly. All is going normally, the four of us chatting while we wait for our food, when we hear something odd.)

Drive-Thru Worker: “I swear to God, [Coworker]! If you get sick tomorrow, I’m punching you in the f****** throat!”

(We immediately burst out laughing once the shock wears off. Apparently, the coffee shop worker has forgotten to turn off her headset after the previous customer, and now we can clearly hear her joking and cursing out one of her coworkers over the possibility of her being sick. This continues for quite a bit, the four of us dying of laughter the entire time. Eventually my fiancé gets up, crossing the lot to the speaker.)

Fiancé: “You know that we can hear you, right?”

(There’s a few moments of silence.)

Drive-Thru Worker: “Oh, my God!”

(The headset was turned off, sending us all into another fit of laughter. There was nothing else during the rest of our meal, but we couldn’t stop giggling about it for the rest of the night. It was a really good thing no one drove up!)

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Being Sour Grapes

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2018

(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

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The Drive-Thru At Pride Rock

, , , , , , | Working | March 2, 2018

(The sandwich shop I work at allows phone-in orders for pickup, which people usually order under just their first name. Occasionally, that causes some confusion, because when you got multiple orders under the same first name, you have orders under Michael, Michael 2, Michael P., Michael Smith, Mike from (Employment), etc. It isn’t uncommon to accidentally hand the wrong “Michael” bag to the wrong Michael, especially if they have similar orders. I start getting creative when I take phone orders.)

Customer: “…and my name is Michael. When will that be ready?”

Me: “Ooh, sorry, dude. I already have an order for a Michael, and I want to make sure your order doesn’t get confused. Do you like The Lion King?”

Customer: “Haha, yeah?”

Me: “Okay, cool! You want to be Simba? I’ll put you down as Simba. Your order will be ready in fifteen minutes, Simba!”

(Later, my boss walks by my queued-up orders and sees all of the names on the bags.)

Boss: “What is this?

Me: “What?”

Boss: “Lindsay… Tinkerbell… Michael… Frankenstein… Judy… Spartacus…”

Me: “I didn’t want multiples of the same name in my queue; that way we don’t make mistakes on the order.”

Boss: “Well, how is anyone supposed to know which order is whose?!”

(A customer approaches the counter:)

Customer: “Hakuna Matata! My name is Simba and I ordered a meatball sub for pick-up!”

Me: “’Sup, dude. You getting a drink and chips with that?”

Boss: “AND STOP CALLING THE CUSTOMERS ‘DUDE’!” *stomps off*

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Going Back To My Father’s Roots

, , , , , | Learning | March 1, 2018

(I am in a beginner-level Spanish class. Even though this is most students’ first experience with learning another language, the class is encouraged to discuss topics entirely in Spanish as much as possible. It’s a Monday morning, and the lesson of the day has to do with descriptions of events, and deeper responses to, “How are you?” conversation starters, beyond the typical, “I’m well, thanks. How are you?”)

Profesora: “¿Quien puede decir como fue su fin de semana?” *Who can tell how their weekend went?*

(A student, whose “Spanish name” is Patricio, volunteers.)

Patricio: “Este fin de semana no fue bien, porque mi papa esta enfermo.” *This weekend did not go well, because my dad is sick.*

(At least, this is what he tries to say. However:)

Profesora: “Your potato is sick?”

(The class shared a laugh and Patricio turned an embarrassed, pink shade as the teacher took this opportunity to explain the importance of certain punctuations, specifically the accent, indicating emphasis. Patricio, trying for papá [father], instead emphasizing the first syllable [PA-pa], accidentally called his father a potato.)

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The Number One Thing You Can Do With A Cat

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2018

(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

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