(I am walking out of my office just as another coworker is walking in. We nearly crash into each other.)

Me: “Hi, I’m solid.”

Coworker: “Hi, I’m liquid.”

(For weeks after that, he continued to greet me as “solid.”)

(My mother calls me on my 50th birthday.)

Mother: “Lord, honey, you’re old! How’d you get to be so old?”

Me: “You know, I haven’t decided what nursing home I’m going to put you in yet!”

(I am about five years old, my brother around eight. It is a weekend. We have woken up before our parents and want to be up before they do. We also want pancakes. We’ve been sticking our heads out our door and calling down the hall to ask them if they’re going to get up. I can’t remember the first part of the conversation went, but I remember this part clearly.)

Brother: “Could you make us pancakes?”

Dad: “Maybe later.”

Me: “Do you mind if I make pancakes?”

Dad: “No.”

(I turn away from the door and start to pout.)

Brother: “What are you sad about?”

Me: “He said no!”

Brother: “But that means yes!”

(He then explains how “do you mind” and “no” mean “I don’t mind.”)

Me: “But… I don’t know how to make pancakes!”

(Somehow I had conveniently forgotten that fact when I asked if I could make them myself. To the best of my memory, that morning ended with me on a stool beside my mom trying to make “the biggest pancake ever” and asking her to make the batter fill the entire pan.)

(My sister-in-law started this, and it was so much fun that I actually delayed putting my phone number on the “Do Not Call List.”)

Any Telemarketer: “Hello! I would like to talk to you about—“ *begins sales pitch*

Me: “But we have hardwood floors.”

Any Telemarketer: “But this isn’t about hardwood floors.”

Me: “But we have hardwood floors.”

Any Telemarketer: “But this isn’t about…”

Me: “But we have hardwood floors.”

(Lather, rinse, repeat, until they hang up.)

(My family goes out to eat at a higher-end and expensive chain restaurant known for fondue. About halfway through the meal, the server comes up to us.)

Server: “Is there anything else I can bring you?”

Dad: *jokingly* “How about a free lobster tail?”

(The server just laughed, but a few minutes later, she returned… with a free lobster tail! Turns out that she’d made an extra for another table by mistake and was just going to throw it out if not for my dad’s silly request.)