A Pun In The Oven

, , , , , | Romantic | June 15, 2018

(This was before I was born. Dad has just come home with shopping bags.)

Mom: “Honey, can you check the oven while I put the groceries away?”

Dad: “Sure.” *checks* “There’s just a bun… Wait a second.”

(He turns around and sees Mom wearing the biggest and goofiest smile ever.)

Dad: “You mean…”

Mom: “Yup, I found out yesterday.”

Dad: “And you put a bun…”

Mom: “Uh-huh!”

(Dad kisses Mom on the forehead and laughs.)

Dad: “It’s gestures like these that remind me why I love you, my little cornball.”

(And this is how Mom told Dad about me. No wonder I love cheese so much!)

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Sir Neutered The Fifth, Destroyer Of Rugs, Defiler Of Christmas Trees

, , , , , , | Related | June 13, 2018

(After our mother suffers from some unpleasant drama, my brothers and I decide to lift her spirits by getting her a cat, something she’s been talking about doing for a while. We eventually find a precious little, orange fluff ball that fits our basic requirements, and bring him home, humorously enough, the day before Mother’s Day. Mom takes to him immediately and locks the two of them in a room for some bonding time. While we wait for her to come back out, [Brother #1] starts to read the paperwork the shelter sent home with us to our father.)

Brother #1: “He was only brought in recently, so he’s a little underweight, but his health is otherwise good. He has all his shots up to date; you’ll have to renew some of them next year. He was tested for kitty HIV and he came back clean, so he can go outside eventually, and he is neutered the fifth…”

Brother #2: *laughing* “He is neutered the fifth?”

Father: *also laughing* “That sounds like some really fancy aristocratic name you’d find in Europe.”

Brother #2: “‘What ho, peasants? I am thy lord, Sir Neutered the Fifth.'”

Brother #1: *dramatically* “‘What is my legacy?'”

Me: “To not have a legacy, apparently.”

Father: “Okay, we have to convince your mother to name him that.”

(She named him Thomas. But it’s fine, he’s her favorite present of all time and that’s all that really matters.)

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Taking A Call On The Spider Phone

, , , , | Related | June 13, 2018

(One holiday weekend, my parents head out of town to go visit my grandmother in a different state. My brother and I don’t go because we both work retail jobs and didn’t take the time off. The day before they get back, I get home from work and see a small grid thing on the island, along with broken pieces of the grid.)

Me: “[Brother], what’s this?”

Brother: “Oh, I broke the light above the island.”

Me: “How?”

Brother: “Well, I saw a spider on the cabinet, so I got a paper towel to kill it, but I accidentally bumped the cover, and it fell like this—” *takes cover off the light to demonstrate* “—so that part broke off. I picked up all the pieces, though.”

Me: “Have you told Mom and Dad yet?”

Brother: “Yes, I texted Mom.”

(He shows me the texts.)

Me: *reading* “How big was the spider? Did you kill it? Did you?!”

Brother: “Yes. It was brown and big enough to be noticed, so I killed it.”

Me: “Good. That’s the important thing.”

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Who’s A Good Dress?!

, , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I answer a phone in the alterations department of a bridal shop.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Hi! It’s [Customer]. I just wanted to check on my dress.”

Me: “Ah, do you want to know when your pickup appointment is, or maybe move it?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I know it’s next month.”

Me: “I see! Sorry, if it’s that far out, we won’t have even touched your dress yet–”

Customer: “Oh, I know! It’s fine! I just wanted to know how it was doing.”

Me: “It’s… Uh, we haven’t worked on it.

Customer: “I know! I just want to know how it’s doing.”

Me: *glances at dress rack* “Well, I see it in the line? I’m sure we’ll get to it next week.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks! See you next month!” *click*

Coworker: *overhearing* “Yes, ma’am. Your dress is very happy here. It likes the other dresses.”

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Breathe Easy… But Don’t

, , , , | Working | June 12, 2018

(Our laptops have loud security alarms attached to prevent theft, but they are overly sensitive and regularly set off accidentally. An alarm has just been set off, and I hurry over to deactivate it.)

Me: “Ah, don’t panic; let me fix that for you!”

Customers: “Oh, did we set that off?”

Me: “Did you breathe on them?”

Customers: “Uh… Yes?”

Me: “Then yes, you did.”

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