Your Mouth Is A Pest

, , , | Healthy | February 11, 2018

(I’m getting my teeth cleaned when the dental hygienist strikes up the following conversation.)

Hygienist: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “Well, I had to work Saturday, but Sunday was okay.”

Hygienist: “Do you always work six-day weeks?”

Me: “I work every other Saturday.”

Hygienist: “What do you do?”

Me: “I do pest control.”

Hygienist: “Ooh! I couldn’t do that! That’s just… yuck!”

Me: “Well, you stick your fingers in other people’s’ mouths all day.”

Hygienist: “Oh. Yeah.”

And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2018

(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

An Interesting Exchange

, , , , , , | Working | February 9, 2018

(I work in a call center that provides website hosting and technical support for several large companies. Our service also includes domain-based email hosting. We keep a password on file for each customer that they must give us if they want to make changes to their accounts, including server settings. I’m standing around shooting the breeze with one of my coworkers and one of the floor managers.)

Coworker: “If [Customer] calls from [Domain], tell him I’ve gone home.”

Floor Manager: “Is that the guy that keeps calling because his MX records keep getting changed back from Microsoft exchange?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Someone keeps going in and changing them back. It’s like the third time he’s called about it. Now the other guy has changed the password, and the first guy keeps calling in to try and verify that he’s the account holder.”

Me: “I think I remember that domain. Actually, I think I’m the one that changed it back from Microsoft exchange for the guy.”

Floor Manager: “Yeah, and then he called back wondering why his exchange stopped working, so I changed it back for him. I told him that this can’t happen on its own; somebody is going in and changing it back, so he needs to change the password. Then, not ten minutes after, the other guy called in wondering why his email stopped working and why he couldn’t get into his account.”

Me: “So, we’ve basically got two guys in a pissing match with each other for a company website mail exchange that they both think they should be managing, and neither of them knows who the other is?”

Floor Manager: “Yep.”

Me: “I love my job.”

(Also, the guy that got locked out of the site has told my coworker he’s going to sue him because he got into a car accident while on the phone with him.)

The Truth Is On Parole

, , , , , | Right | February 9, 2018

(In the state where I live, minors cannot sell alcohol, so we have to call over a supervisor when customers come through with it. Unfortunately, many customers get infuriated when I say I’m a minor, so I’ve come up with a new method, which I’ve used on multiple occasions, to keep the peace. Below is an actual account of one of those occasions.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but a supervisor will have to come over to scan your vodka.”

Customer: “Why’s that?”

Me: “It’s in violation of my parole to handle alcohol.”

Customer: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, I can’t touch it until I’m 25.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, man. That sucks. I’ll wait for your supervisor.”

(A few seconds pass.)

Customer: “Was it for driving?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a good thing you can’t touch it; that’ll save you money. If you don’t mind me asking, what was it for?”

(At this point the supervisor showed up and sold the alcohol. The man left, still thinking I was on parole. I told my supervisor what happened and we laughed about it.)

Groping For A Verb

, , , , , | Romantic | February 9, 2018

(In the midst of the spate of sexual harassment stories in the media, my wife puts down the newspaper with a grunt and a sigh.)

Me: “Do I grope you or do I fondle you?”

Wife: “Both, sometimes.”

Me: “What’s the difference? Because I thought I had been gently fondling you for 42 years.”

Wife: “Groping is when I don’t want to be fondled.”

Me: “…”

Wife: “Shut up.”