“Cute” Can’t Sell Carpets

, , , , , | Working | March 7, 2018

(Sacramento is pretty LGBT-friendly and the community I live in is somewhat known for LGBT couples. I, however, am a heterosexual cis female homeowner. One day a rather cutely-dressed girl rings my doorbell. She starts a sales pitch for a carpet-cleaning service. I try to let door-to-door salespeople down easy. I gesture to the floor she can see, which is a vinyl plank floor that looks like wood.)

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any carpeting. Thanks.”

Salesgirl: “Oh, we don’t do just carpeting.”

(She then begins the sales pitch for furniture cleaning. And now I’m done. I cut into her speech.)

Me: “No, thanks.”

(She continues to try at another angle, listing other items for cleaning.)

Me: “No. Thank you.”

(I go to shut the door on her. She strikes a pose and pouts.)

Salesgirl: “But don’t you think I’m cute?”

(I’m floored. I’m completely dumbstruck.)

Me: “Yes, but no, thanks.”

(I did think she was a cute girl, but just because she’s cute doesn’t mean I’m going to buy a floor cleaning service!)

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Funnier On Second Billing

, , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(In retail, there are a few “jokes” that everyone overuses and aren’t funny anymore, but being a cashier means you fake a laugh and send the customers on their way. And then, there’s this.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Your total is [total].”

Customer: *hands me a hundred-dollar bill, and I start to check if it’s real* “Don’t worry; it’s real! Made it myself!”

Me: *fake laughs*

Customer: *pauses, suddenly serious* “They didn’t laugh when I said that at the bank this morning.”

Me: *bursts into actual laughter*

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Nana Nono

, , , , , , | Related | March 7, 2018

(My nieces call my mother “Nana.” They also love the movie “Sing,” which has a character named Nana. This usually prompts us to say the character’s full name, but once I forget, and this happens.)

Me: “Do you like Nana?”

Niece: “Yeah.”

Me: *to niece as we hear the garage door open* “Nana’s home!”

Niece: *points at iPad, where she’s watching ‘Sing’* “Nana here.”

Me: “No, Nana, not Nana Noodleman!”

Niece: *forcefully* “Nana HERE!”

(Since then, I’m careful to call the character Nana Noodleman at all times.)

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I’m Thirsty-Nine Going On Foursty

, , , , | Working | March 6, 2018

(I am attending a very busy event at a brewery. I’m in line at the bar, behind about 25 people approximately the age of my kids. The script is exactly the same for each.)

Bartender: “ID, please.”

Customer: *hands ID over*

Bartender: “What can I get you?”

(The customer orders, gets drinks, pays, and leaves. Finally, it’s my turn.)

Me: “Hi. Can I have—”

Bartender: “I need to see your I…” *she finally looks AT me* “OH! Sorry, I don’t need… I mean, you’re old enough… I’m sorry. You’re not old-old… you’re just…”

Me: “Thirsty. I’m thirsty. Two porters, please.”

Bartender: “Sure, sorry. Just a second.”

(Another bartender brought my drinks when they were ready. I’m really not sure why she was so upset that she said I looked over 21. I mean, the full head of grey hair usually implies age.)

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High Quality Pizza

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2018

(I work for a well-known pizza chain as a delivery guy, but I also occasionally answer the phone for pick-up orders.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Chain]. How can I help you tonight?”

Customer: *silence, then muffled laughter*

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: *clumsily, as if he has trouble speaking* “Yeah, I… I’d like, uh… pizza.”

(By now it’s clear to me that he’s high as a kite.)

Me: “Okay, can you tell me your address, please?”

Customer: *muffled laughter*

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Say… If I don’t give you the address, you can’t deliver the pizza, right?”

Me: *deadpan* “Well, no.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(The same guy calls several times more, and all of the exchanges are exactly like this.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Chain]. How can I help you tonight?”

Customer: *muffled laughter* “Yeah, uh…” *hangs up*

(My manager has been watching the whole thing, grinning.)

Me: “High as f***.”

Manager: “I figured.”

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