Initially Brilliant

, , , , | Healthy | July 7, 2018

(A close friend of mine is visiting me for dinner. She has leukemia, but is in remission at this point. It should probably be noted that we share a pretty dark sense of humor, which is how we both cope with her illness.)

Me: “What have you been doing lately?”

Friend: “I had tests at [Only Major Hospital in the area] this week.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks. I was there with mom when she had tests done a few years back, and the wait was horrible. There’s always so many people!”

Friend: “Oh, I got seen pretty quickly.”

Me: “Did you get there early, or was it good timing?”

Friend: “No, I just put [Initials] in the top corner of the admission forms, and they took me right in.”

Me: “What do they mean?”

Friend: “It’s the shorthand code for ‘to be seen immediately.’ My doctors used it all the time. I just put it in myself, now.”

Me: *laughing* “I knew you were wicked! You’re skipping the line in the hospital?”

Friend: *also laughing* “Hey, I have cancer! And also better things to do with my time than wait in line.”

(Unfortunately, her cancer returned, twice, and she lost the battle against it several years ago. But stories like this one still make me laugh when I tell people about her.)

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Not The Number One Solution

, , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(With another family visiting us, we bring the children to a local water supply museum. Among other things, the guide tells us that it is the only water supply station in Europe that gets water from underground to collectors by vacuum pumps, which work similarly to sucking water through straw. He suggests we try that out ourselves later. So, back at home, we give each child one full and one empty cup and tell them to get all water from first cup to second through a straw. Some manage it sooner, some later, but one boy manages to just drink all his water.)

Boy: “Would it count if I now peed into the second cup?”

His Mom: “I don’t think the townspeople would care much for your solution.”

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You Can’t Candy-Coat This

, , , , , | Learning | July 6, 2018

(I’m subbing for a second-grade class and have just lined them up for recess.)

Me: “[Student], go put your coat on. It’s cold and windy out today.”

Student: “I can’t find it.”

Me: “Check your locker.”

Student: *opens locker* “It’s not here.”

Me: “Is it in your backpack?”

Student: “No. I looked.”

Me: “Is it at your desk?” *checks with her*

Student: “No.”

Me: “Were you wearing a coat when you came to school this morning?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: *sighs* “Okay. Let’s just go outside, and if you get cold tell me.”

Student: “Okay.” *plays for a while then runs over to me* “I’m cold.”

Me: “Go inside and ask the nurse if she has a coat or sweater you can borrow.”

Student: “Okay.”

(She comes back out a few minutes later with a coat TIED AROUND HER WAIST, and plays like that for the rest of recess. Later, at dismissal time:)

Student: “Hey, I found my coat!”

Me: “Oh, good. Where was it?”

Student: “In my backpack.”

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Poking At The Source

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(My mom and I are standing in the kitchen, talking. Two of the cats, brothers, have followed us, and are making pests of themselves, presumably begging for treats. One of them has a habit of licking and chewing on my arm when I scratch him in a certain spot. I bend down to pet him, but because of the angle, he can’t reach me, so he lightly bites the next closest thing: his brother’s butt. My mom and I giggle, but then the one that was nipped turns around and lightly kicks the other in the side. This sends us into full-blown laughter as my dad walks in.)

Dad: “What’s so funny?”

Mom: *catching her breath* “Oh, the cats are just being funny.”

Dad: “Oh. Excuse me.”

(He reaches around my mom to grab a plate from the cabinet, and my mom takes the opportunity to poke him in the belly.)

Dad: “Hey!” *pinches my mom on the rear*

(Gee, I wonder where the cats learned it from!)

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Victoria’s Dam Secret

, , , , , | Related | July 5, 2018

(My parents kindly pick me up at the airport when I come back from a work-related conference in Las Vegas. While on my trip, I went to the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon, and also went to a store that is pretty well-known in the sewing circles for selling gorgeous trims. I spent a lot of money on sewing supplies, as well as touristy gifts. I bring my bags into my parent’s living room in order to hand out the gifts I brought everyone.)

Me: “Hey, Dad! I got your dam mug!”

Dad: “At the dam store?”

Me: “Yeah! While on the dam tour! Wait a sec, and I’ll get it.”

(I open the bag and immediately notice a piece of paper that was not there before. The notice is from TSA, stating that they inspected my bag. No worries, I think, and start to look for my Dad’s mug. I know I had it in a plastic bag, which appears to be right on top. In front of my parents, I pull out the plastic bag and realize it is squishy; it looks to be some of my lace trims at a quick glance. I am confused as to why TSA would take out the trims that were nicely packed in a clear box and throw them into a plastic bag. I open the bag completely to see… it isn’t a bunch of trim. It is a bunch of very pretty, lacy underwear with the tags still on them.)

Me: “Um… These aren’t mine.”

Dad: “And just what exactly did you do in Vegas?”

Mom: *trying hard not laugh* “What on earth are those?”

Me: *pulling out more and more lacy undies* “These are all Victoria Secret?! Where the heck is my stuff?!”

(Sure enough, my stuff was in my bag, but TSA “gifted” me with roughly $300 worth of lacy undies. I tried calling them, but the lady on the other end laughed and told me that if I thought it was theft, to call the cops. I left a report with the cops, but no one else ever claimed the rather large bag of undies. And Dad did get his dam mug.)

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