Maiden For Life

, , , , , | Romantic | March 26, 2018

(A customer calls my store to place a cake order for the following week. When I ask for a name for the order, this happens.)

Me: “And can I get a name for your order, please?”

Customer: “[First Name] [Last Name #1]. No, [Last Name #2]. [Last Name #1] is my maiden name.” *the customer starts laughing* “I can’t believe I said that.”

Customer’s Husband: *in the background* “We’ve only been married 35 years.”

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London To Paris Is 2.5 Hours

, , , , | Friendly | March 26, 2018

(This takes place in a group chat.)

American Friend: “Oh, my God! There’s a concert near my house! It’s only, like, a three-hour drive!”

European Friend: “What the f***?! A three-hour drive?! Are you kidding?! I’m not going to France for that!”

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How Mufasa Really Died…

, , , | Right | March 26, 2018

(I am working at a big box electronics store. The place always opens early in the morning for Black Friday, and the line of people is huge. The manager is about to open the doors.)

Store Manager: “Get ready for the running of the wildebeest!”

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Laying It All Out On The Tray

, , , , | Working | March 23, 2018

(My boss is normally pretty calm, but it was a stressful day for him, so he’s snapped at me a couple times when I asked for assistance. Later, he calls me over to him.)

Boss: “Hey, step into my office.”

(Confused, I follow him over to the prep area, still washing a tray.)

Me: “What’s up?”

Boss: “I just wanted to apologize for snapping at you; it’s been a rough day.”

Me: “It’s all good. I’ve yet to reach the point where I’m irritated with you enough to hit you with one of these trays.”

Boss: *laughing* “Well, I appreciate that.”

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Too Chicken To Enjoy The Shrimp

, , , , , , | Related | March 23, 2018

(My dad, sister, and I are carpooling on a road trip to a family gathering, when we have to make a stop at a large superstore. The delis at this chain do this new thing where you can get a to-go cup of popcorn chicken or popcorn shrimp. We are hungry, so we decide to do it. Normally, I jump at the chance to get shrimp, but for whatever reason, as soon as I see them, I am in the mood for chicken. I’m hesitating and trying to make a decision, and I notice that both my dad and my sister have grabbed a shrimp.)

Me: “Oh, perfect, because I’m really feeling the chicken. If you’re both getting shrimp, I can get the chicken and have a few pieces of your shrimp and you guys can have some chicken.”

(We are ahead of schedule, so we just sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to eat. My dad and I are in the front seats. My sister is in the back and doesn’t want to share and doesn’t want chicken. She’s not as generous with her food as the rest of the family, whereas everyone else will eat off each other’s plates without even thinking. We are now on the second time my dad and I have swapped cups.)

Dad: “You know, I think I like the chicken better.”

Me: “Same.” *as I pop another piece of shrimp in my mouth* “But, you know, shrimp.”

Dad: *starts laughing* “It sucks, but, you know, it’s shrimp, so it’s a good suck!” *trying to mock me*

Me: “Exactly.”

Dad: “EMBRACE THE SUCK!”

Sister: “You guys are morons.”

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