Chuck A Toupee On A Whale And Call Him President

, , , , , | Friendly | February 25, 2018

(We’re electing the president of our theater-based teen group. Members are writing their votes on papers and dropping them in the advisor’s hat. As one girl drops her vote in:)

Advisor: “You’re voting for a whale?”

Girl #1: “No! The person I’m voting for is on the other side. I just drew a whale on the other side because… I was bored.”

Me: “I mean, I’d vote for a whale for president.”

Girl #2: “Yeah, a whale would be a fantastic president. We could even promote our group that way. ‘Funds go to support the whales!’”

Me: “The only question is: what kind of whale? Beluga or humpback?”

Girl #2: “Beluga. Obviously. Geez, a humpback whale as president? What were you thinking?”

Me: “Good point. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

(The whale didn’t win.)

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I Find Your Lack Of Standards… Disturbing

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2018

(My husband is in the military and has called me to video chat. He is trying to find a show he wanted me to watch but he can’t remember the name. As he’s looking through his browser history in an effort to find it, I’m whistling snippets of different theme songs. I suddenly hear someone running, and another soldier is suddenly poking his head over my husband’s shoulder.)

Husband: *jumps* “Whoa, [Soldier]! When did you get here? If I had realized you were here, I’d have put on my headphones.”

Soldier: “I just came in to grab something.” *to me* “Was that you whistling Darth Vader’s theme?!”

Me: “Yeah, it was.”

Soldier: “That was awesome!” *to husband* “Marry her, ASAP, dude.”

Husband: *chuckles* “[Soldier], this is my wife, [My Name].”

Soldier: “Dude, you’re lucky.”

(After saying that, the soldier disappears from my line of sight.)

Me: “So… He doesn’t have very high standards, does he?”

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Pretty Sure One Of Those Will Have A Power Converter

, , , , | Working | February 24, 2018

(I have recently moved to Singapore from the USA and brought a small electric drill with me. The voltage in the USA is 110, and in Singapore it’s 220, so I know I can’t plug the drill into the wall or it will burn out. I stop at a local hardware store and speak to the elderly owner:)

Me: “Uncle, you got sell transformer ah?”

Shop Owner: “Got, got.”

(He came back out with a DVD with giant robots on the cover.)

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No Point Doing Flips Over Chips

, , , , , | Right | February 23, 2018

(I work the night shift at a gas station. One night, a man walks in very cautiously with glazed, bright-red eyes, in his pajamas, reeking of weed. The man slowly walks over to the drinks and gets a tea, then to the chips and picks up a bag of Fritos. The customer pays and walks towards the door.)

Customer: *stops in front of the door, examines the chips* “Aww, man! I wanted Doritos.”

(I let him put it back and grab the Doritos, since they’re the same price.)

Customer: “Gee, thanks, man… You’re the best!

(I think I made that stoner’s day!)

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The Kind Of Birthday Gift You Need To Unwrap

, , , , , , | Working | February 23, 2018

(Our supervisor is making the schedule for the following week.)

Supervisor: “Monday is my birthday. I’m going to draw a balloon on that day.”

(She draws a small, crude picture of a balloon on the schedule.)

Me: “Looks more like a sperm.”

Supervisor: *grins* “Well, I hope I get that on my birthday, too!”

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