It’s All Two Much

, , , , , | Healthy | December 10, 2018

I come into the hospital, 39 weeks pregnant with a single baby, due to a sudden headache, high blood pressure, and vomiting. It’s determined I’ve developed severe preeclampsia and need to be induced today.

Just about three hours after being admitted, the baby has moved for the fourth time, making it difficult to accurately monitor her heart rate. The doctor decides to have a monitor placed in utero on the baby to get a consistent reading.

The nurses tasked with placing the monitor are gathered at my legs, talking amongst themselves, prepping for the procedure. I’m foggy from the medicine and not really paying attention when a nurse says, “Oh, there’s two.” After having a minor panic attack, I catch the nurse’s attention and it turns out they had two of the monitors, but after talking about irregular heartbeats I thought somehow a second baby had shown up.

If Shot In L.A. You Need To Credit The Lemon Twister, Also

, , , , , , | Related | December 8, 2018

(My father, stepmother, and I have just watched a movie. We are now watching the credits.)

Stepmother: “You know, credits used to only take up a single page.”

Me: “And now they take up like ten minutes.”

Stepmother: “Animators, ‘character rigging,’ editors… They really do credit everyone.”

Me: *jokingly* “Hey, I walked on set and gave you a coffee; put me in the credits!”

(Not ten seconds later, we see the heading, “Caffeination,” and a name is credited.)

Stepmother: “Wow, talk about perfect timing!”

Me: “I was kidding!

Beating Them To The Punch-Line

, , , | Right | December 7, 2018

I’m a low-level manager and am getting ready to close the store one night. Part of the evening cleaning and straightening duties includes taking the broom and dustpan outside and sweeping up cigarette butts and small trash around the entrances. I’m sweeping away when I notice an older gentleman approaching me from the parking lot. Before he even gets in range where we can have a conversation, I already know what’s coming. Customers simply cannot resist making comments when they see an employee performing some type of cleaning job, whether it’s mopping, sweeping, straightening, etc. The result is always the same.

I’m sure they think they’ve come up with a hilarious zinger that the employee has never heard before and will roll around on the floor laughing. The reality is that we’ve heard, “Hey, you missed a spot,” “What did you do to tick off the boss?” “’Bout time you got some work done!” or any other variation a million times before, and shake with rage every time we hear it again.

I see the man approaching and decide to initiate contact and get it over with so I can courtesy laugh and get on with my work. I raise my head and say, “Hello, sir, how are you doing this evening?” He doesn’t say a thing, but opens his mouth and gets a look on his face like he’s searching his knee-slapper database for a real jewel. He stops next to me, and I can even hear him making nearly inaudible croaks as he narrows down which cliché he’s going to go with.

At that moment I stop, wipe off my forehead and go, “Man, I wish I hadn’t ticked off the boss to end up out here, and look at that! I missed a spot! Ah, well, ’bout time I got some work done around here.” Words cannot describe the look on this guy’s face as I stole the wind from his sails.

He couldn’t do much more than nod and head into the store!

Should Have Read More Into Sports

, , , , , | Friendly | December 6, 2018

Shortly after I move to Newcastle, a taxi driver and I have a chat about what he tells me is a historical problem with poor education in the town. He says that he personally knows a lot of guys from his school who left practically unable to read and write — he is probably in his mid-fifties. We agree that this is awful and talk about how there are lots of supports nowadays for adult learners.

That weekend, I am queuing to go into a pub when I see a sign saying the “Newcastle Reading Championship” is on in the pub that night. I think how it’s great that there is a celebration of adult learners, but I do think it’s kind of strange they are doing it in a pub.

When I get into the bar, I see a crowd of football supporters watching Newcastle playing Reading in a Championship game.

They’ve Both Come A Long Way From West Philadelphia

, , , , | Related | December 6, 2018

(It’s my dad’s birthday. He’s opening a present from me, and reads the card first.)

Dad: *reading from card* “’Congrats on being the same age as Will Smith.’” *pause* “Aren’t I always the same age as Will Smith?”

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