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A Green Light On Generational Silliness

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 23, 2023

When I was in the first grade, my dad showed me how magical he was; he could make a red light turn green simply by opening and closing his car door!

He had the opportunity to do that a few more times before he and Mom divorced when I was about ten. I hadn’t figured it out by the time he pretty much disappeared for the next fifteen years.

I started doing that trick with my own kids when they were about five and seven. I didn’t overdo it — only once or twice a year and then only “when absolutely necessary.”

One morning, I got off work early and I was taking them to school. We got stopped at a large intersection heavy with traffic. I mentioned that we might not get to school right on time.

My son (nine then) suggested:

Son: “Hey, Dad, why don’t you make the light change so we won’t be late?”

Wow, I hadn’t thought of that.

Me: “Uh… well… See, all these other people are in a hurry, too, and I don’t wanna interrupt the flow of traffic until some of it clears out. I’ll change it in a minute.”

They were satisfied.

My own son now has two boys, in first and second grade. They came over the other day and one said:

Grandson: “Hey, Grandpa, my dad can make a red light turn green!”

Me: “Really! How does he do that?”

Grandson: “He turns on the windshield wiper two times, and it changes!”

I glanced at my son and we shared a small, silent smile.

Me: “Well, that’s good, but it sounds like he’d have a little trouble with that when it’s raining!”

At least he came up with his own magic.

Susan Versus Switzerland

, , , , | Right | January 21, 2023

I am stocking shelves in the candy aisle, and I see a customer on her phone.

Customer: “Okay, I’m getting those cookies that Grandpa likes, but I have to walk down the candy aisle to get them. I need you to stay on the phone with me and help me to be strong.”

I smile to myself as I see this customer brave her willpower as she searches for her item. I am called away to help out outside in the parking lot.

A few minutes later, I see this customer leaving the store and approaching a man in a car waiting for her.

Man: “[Customer], why do you have four large Toblerones?”

Customer: “Look, these were all on sale, and when the universe gifts you reduced-price large Toblerones, you listen!

Amen, sister… amen!

What If Cats ARE Aliens?!

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 21, 2023

In 2019, I wake up in immense pain and decide to see a doctor. When my mom is driving me to urgent care, we talk about the theory that aliens were the ones that built the pyramids.

After urgent care, I’m sent to the ER, put in a room, and given something for pain, a side effect being drowsiness. A family friend comes to bring my mom coffee and see me. She looks at the monitors beside me and remarks that my blood pressure is high.

My mom convinces me to get some rest and says she’ll stay by my side. Soon after, I wake up.

Me: “Hey, Mom?”

Mom: “Yeah, sweetie?” 

Me: *Turning my head to look at her* “Cats built the pyramids.”

Mom: *Pauses* “What?”

Me: “Cats built the pyramids. They started out with tiny blocks and used metal spoons to carve the shape of them, and then they used a ray gun to make them bigger.”

Mom: *Chuckling* “Uh, okay, honey. Go back to sleep.”

She lightly pushes my head so I’m looking back up, and I fall asleep again. Soon after, I wake up again, not knowing a nurse is in the room.

Me: “Mooooom.”

Mom: “Yeah?”

Me: “Did you know that if an animal has high blood pressure when it’s killed, it tastes better?”

I don’t remember this next part, but according to my mom, I yell, “MMM! DEER STEAK!” before conking back out again.

Nurse: *Slowly turning to look at my mom* “Whatever pain medicine they gave her, we’re giving her a different one.”

The medicine they gave me for pain gave me such weird dreams, and whatever happened during the day before influenced them. To this day, if I say that some meat tastes good, my family teases me about those odd dreams. For anyone wondering, I was in pain because of my gallbladder, and it was removed the next day.

Sometimes You Just Have To Get Those Pets Out!

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 20, 2023

My grandson dated a girl with a service dog for a while. One problem she faced — and others with service dogs face — is people that insist on petting “the pretty dog.” Children understand when told that he’s on duty and can’t be petted, but many adults can’t seem to grasp the concept.

We were out shopping one day and two teenage girls saw the dog. The first girl made a squeeing sound and remarked about how pretty the dog was. Her next statement surprised us all. She looked at her friend.

Girl: “I can’t pet him, so I’ll just pet you, instead.”

She then reached over, petted her friend on the arm, and smiled, and they both walked away.

Avengers, Assemble And Spell!

, , , , , , , , , | Right | January 18, 2023

I’m a hotel receptionist, and I’m on the phone with a guest who’s booking a room.

Me: “I’m sorry, can you spell your names out for me?”

Guest: “Takayoshi. That’s Thanos, Avengers, Korg, Ant-Man, Yellowjacket, Odin, Spider-Man, Hawkeye, Iron Man. My wife is Viktoria. That’s Valkyrie, Infinity, Killmonger, Thor, Okoye, Ragnarok, Ironheart, America.”

Yes, he said that with a completely serious tone and what I imagine was a completely straight face.

Thankfully, years of training allowed me to keep a poker face and type his information into our register. Immediately after he hung up, I ran straight to the washroom and laughed for like fifteen minutes straight.

Man, it’s days like this that make life worth living.