The Chaos Chorus

, , , , , , , | Working | February 13, 2020

(I’m a volunteer at a museum. The volunteers and staff carry radios so we can coordinate. We have different channels for different groups so, for example, the tour guides can coordinate tours without bothering the rest of the staff. Our radios are also always simultaneously tuned to a second channel called “general,” which is only used for announcements. The museum is closed for today while we change exhibits. Notably, a site safety staff member is also testing out the PA loudspeakers.)

Site Safety: *on general* “Heads up, loud noise coming.”

Site Safety: *on PA* “THIS IS AN AUDIO TEST OF THE— GOOD LORD, THAT’S LOUD. HOW DO I LOWER THE VOLUME?”

Site Safety: *on general* “Sorry, folks… That’s a bit louder than expected. We’re gonna look into that.”

(A few minutes pass:)

Unknown #1: *on general* “Szz fn mph… fllf.”

Supervisor: “Ah, darn it, someone’s leaning on their transmit.”

(Someone’s accidentally transmitting on general without realizing it, usually caused by leaning up against a wall and hitting the PTT button.)

Supervisor: “Hot mic on general.”

Unknown #1: “Fzz whll… mm.”

Supervisor: “Hot mic on general!”

Unknown #1: “Hll?”

Unknown #2: “Hot! Mic! On! General!”

Unknown #1: “Snzzz whrr…”

Unknown #3: “HOT MIC ON G**D*** GENERAL.”

Supervisor: “Hey, keep it professional on the radios!”

Unknown #1: “Shvvv br.”

(Pretty soon, a chorus of voices pop up, all calling in, “Hot mic on general.” Then, suddenly:)

Site Safety: *on PA* “HOT MIC ON GEN– OH, S***, WRONG BUTTON, THAT’S THE PA. SORRY, FOLKS.”

(Long pause:)

Unknown #3: “Uh… hot mic on g**d*** PA.”

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Arriving Panting, Not Pantless

, , , , , , | Working | February 13, 2020

I am not a morning person, but at this point in my life, I was not taking classes and had other part-time jobs that started later in the day, so I was scheduled for five 5:00 am shifts every week at a fast food restaurant. It’s about a 15-minute commute and I value my sleep, so I generally wake up at 4:15 am, shower, get dressed, and go.

One day, I slept through my alarm and woke up at 4:45 am. I jumped out of bed, forwent showering, quickly got dressed, and started driving, intending to call as soon as I hit the road and let the manager know I was late but on my way.

Backing out of the driveway on this autumn morning, I felt colder than I usually do. I looked down to discover that in my haste, I had forgotten to put on pants. I ran back inside, put on said pants, and was back on the road. By this time, it was about ten minutes after five, and my manager called me, instead. Wanting to be hands-free, I put it on speakerphone and yelled, “I’m on my way! I’m late! I had to go back because I forgot my pants!”

I arrived to see a manager and coworkers laughing and teasing me, not understanding how one could forget putting on pants. Luckily, nobody was angry, just amused.

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See You Soon, Yellow Baboon!

, , , , , | Related | February 8, 2020

Mom: “See you later, alligator!”

Me: “After a while, yellow-bellied sapsucker.”

Mom: “WHAT?!”

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Some Schadenfreude With The Bombardierung Mit Werbung!

, , , , , | Legal | February 5, 2020

(I’ve had the same phone number for about nine years. I have been getting calls for [Stranger] the entire time. The calls never stop, no matter how many numbers I block, so I decide to start answering them in German. My dad speaks German, and I have picked up some very simple phrases from him, but I can in no way speak German, so apologies for my German grammar mistakes. Most of the spammers hang up quickly, but this guy didn’t give up easily.)

Me: “Hallo?” *Hello?*

Caller: “Hi I’m calling for [Stranger].”

Me: “Ich liebe dich.” *I love you*

Caller: “Is [Stranger] there?”

Me: “Schlafen Sie gut!” *Sleep well!*

Caller: “I’m sorry…”

Me: *angrily* “NEIN, ich bin ein Krankenwagen!” *NO, I am an ambulance!*

Caller: “I’m sorry; I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: *in my best thick German accent* “No… No Spanish… German.”

Caller: “Oh… uh… okay… bye..” 

(The calls haven’t stopped, but I get them about once a week instead of multiple times daily. I actually look forward to getting a spam call now!)

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In The Mood For Some Klepto Comedy

, , , , | Working | February 5, 2020

(I work as a manager at a clothing store where corporate has a bag check policy. Before clocking out, all employees must check out with a manager. The manager has to check inside their bags or purses if they have them and pat down any jackets they are wearing. If the employee is trying to hide merchandise, we can’t discipline them either, just confiscate it and send them on their way. It is annoying, insulting, and a complete waste of time. After about a year of this, corporate suddenly announces they are ending the bag check. I’ve just gotten off a conference call with the other stores in our district. They’ve been wailing doom and gloom that this new policy will magically turn all their employees into kleptomaniacs. I’m a little discouraged because, while I hated the policy, we are a highly-targeted area for shoplifters and I don’t want our shrinkage to go up any more than it already is. After I hang up, the resident practical joker comes into the office. He’s wearing a coat that’s three sizes too big. The pockets are stuffed full and I can see price tags and shirt sleeves dangling out. He’s also carrying a backpack that’s clearly full of jeans.)

Coworker: *with the most over-the-top shifty-eyed expression* “Hey, so, I straightened the denim wall like you asked and… um… cleaned out… um… I mean, cleaned off the T-shirt table.”

Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Oh, did you now?”

Coworker: “Yep. I’m going to clock out now and because we don’t have bag check anymore you can’t look in here. Bye!”

(Once he left, I laughed for about a minute straight. It put me in a good mood all day. It’s been a year since bag check was rescinded and our shrinkage numbers are still the same. Our customers may still be thieves, but our employees are on the up-and-up… even the practical joker.)

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