My Family Has Ghosted Me

, , , , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

My family frequently goes skiing in the winter. We typically end up staying at a nearby hotel for one night per trip.

One weekend, I have to share a fold-out bed with one of my younger brothers, who is taller than me and quite lanky. I’m awake long after everyone else is asleep, being an insomniac. My brother sprawls out and I don’t want to touch him, so I’m basically clutching the side of the bed for dear life to keep from falling off.

Eventually, I get fed up with the awkward position and move to the floor, which at least has more room. Once I attempt to lay down, I realize that there is a freezing draft down there and remember seeing an extra blanket in the closet on the other side of the hotel room.

I wrap myself up in the white hotel blanket and slowly shuffle across the room, not wanting to trip or fall because I’m tired and walking in the dark without my glasses. While I’m making my slow trek across the room, my mother wakes up.

She told me the next morning that when she saw a shuffling figure all dressed in white and thought that she’d seen a ghost! I told her that no, it was me trying to get another blanket because my brother was being a bed hog. We had a good laugh about it.

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Divorced From Reality, Married To Gossip

, , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

(One of my sons is divorced, another one married. Whilst shopping, I run into a neighbour. After some small talk, I get this gem:)

Elderly Neighbour: “I’m so sorry that [Married Son] got divorced, too.”

Me: “Excuse me? I saw both [Married Son] and [Daughter-In-Law] yesterday and they are still happily married, devoted to their daughter.”

Elderly Neighbour: But, but he is seen with this blonde woman all over the neighbourhood.”

(It was then that I realized that my daughter-in-law had recently lost a lot of weight — as my son put it: she’s only half the woman he married — and had her hairstyle changed — badly, I might add — and had changed from dark to blonde. We had a good laugh about it when I told my son he should me tell me when something important happens in his life.)

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Getting High On The Thought Of Drugs

, , , , , | Working | November 25, 2019

(I’m sitting at the front desk of an assisted living facility, having just accepted a delivery of medication for a resident. One of my coworkers is standing at my desk messing with her own paperwork. I call another coworker on the phone to come get the delivery.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], I have drugs.”

Coworker: “Sweet! I love drugs! I’ll be down in a minute to get them. Yay, drugs!”

Me: “Yay, drugs!”

(Our other coworker stopped doing her paperwork to stare at me and I cracked up. The coworker I called and I have worked together for almost five years, so we’re on pretty friendly terms. The other coworker only started a few months ago. It’s okay; she’ll catch up.)

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CD = Compact Destruction

, , , , | Learning | November 25, 2019

(This story takes place when I am in the second grade. We have a “technology” class once or twice a week that consists of learning to type and use the basics of computers. I still fondly remember this part of our first lesson in that class.)

Teacher: *holding up a CD* “All right, so you all have your floppy disks, but you will also be using these in class and we must be careful with them! We carefully hold them around the edges and we don’t touch the shiny part underneath, okay? So, if we’re being careful, that means we don’t do this.”

(He begins to slap his palm repeatedly on the shiny part of the CD.)

Teacher: “We don’t do this.”

(He picks up another CD and starts at rubbing the two of them together.)

Teacher: “We definitely do not use them as skates.”

(He throws the two CDs unceremoniously to the ground and stands on them, starting to try to “skate” across the floor to our raucous laughter.)

Teacher: “And finally, we don’t break them.”

(With that, he picks up both CDs, snaps them in half, and tosses them in the trash.)

Teacher: “Okay! Let’s start typing. Pick up those CDs and put them in the disk tray and don’t do what I just did with them!”

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A Vicious Recycle

, , , , | Learning | November 25, 2019

(We’re in an assembly meant to review what we can and cannot recycle. The recycling speech is delivered by one of the science teachers who is known for not caring about what school officials think of her.)

Teacher: “I have a box here. It’s filled with this packing paper, which can be recycled.” *tosses paper into the recycling bin onstage* “I can also recycle the box.”

(The assisting student breaks down the box and throws it into the bin, as well, after handing the teacher its contents, a book in a sealed plastic bag.)

Teacher: “This plastic wrapping — recyclable.” *throws the plastic in the recycling bin* “And here we have ‘Dress Code by [Administrator].’”

(She unceremoniously threw the book in the bin. The entire student body cheered.)

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