When I’m With You, It’s Electric

, , , , , | Romantic | April 19, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

Out Of Touch With The Kids

, , , , | Right | April 19, 2018

(I’m working near the checkout line at my store, recovering items from the floor. A large biker man gets in line, talking to his two young girls and younger boy as he goes.)

Customer: “Girls, we’re getting in line. Stop touching things.”

Daughters: “Okay.”

(About thirty seconds later, both girls curiously pick up some of the items set around the queue line.)

Customer: “Hey, I said not to touch anything else.”

Daughter #2: “But why?”

Customer: “We’re going to buy our stuff. You have to put those back where you got them.”

Daughter #1: “I want to look at it.”

Customer: “You don’t see [Son] touching things.”

Daughter #2: “That’s because he’s sitting in a cart.”

Customer: *pause* “True.”

The Trump Burger: Well Done With Ketchup

, , , , , | Related | April 17, 2018

(I live in Scotland. My little sister and I are playing charades using an app on an iPad. We are playing the food category and the words come up. It is, “American _____,” so my sister decides to split the dish to make it easier. Here is how our crazy conversation goes.)

Sister: “Okay, the first word. Think of a big country.”

Me: “Russia?”

Sister: “No, no, like, think Trump.”

Me: “America?”

Sister: “Yeah! Then—”

Me: “[Sister], you’re eight! Where did you learn about Trump?!”

Sister: “I don’t know. I heard a lot of people talking about Donald Trump, the President of America. Anyway— OH, MY GOD! YOU ONLY HAVE TEN SECONDS LEFT! WHAT DO YOU CALL PEOPLE FROM AMERICA?”

Me: *panicking* “Um, um, BURGERS!”

 

Some Humor Is See-Through

, , , | Working | April 17, 2018

(Our new lab technician has a sense of humour.)

Lab Tech: *pushing the dirty glassware cart along the rows of benches in the lab* “Glass for the Glass God! Glass for the Glass God!”

(We empty and rinse our used glassware and put it in her cart. She comes to the row where the lab professor works.)

Lab Tech: “Glass for the Glass God! Glass for the Glass God!”

Professor: *confused* “Wha – what?”

Lab Tech: “Do you have any dirty glassware for the glass wash?”

Professor: “Ah! Ah, no, I don’t. Thank you, though.”

Lab Tech: *next row of benches* “Glass for the Glass God! Glass for the Glass God!”

Professor: *muttering* “I know what I thought I heard.”

No Take-Backsies

, , , , | Related | April 16, 2018

(It is our wedding day. Before the doors open for my father to walk me down the aisle, he slips something on to my wrist and tells me that everything will be okay. I should note that I have already been married once before. The music starts, the doors open, and we make our way to the front. It’s a beautiful moment, and then our dear friend and officiant asks who is giving the bride. My father steps up.)

Father: “Her mother and I are. And we’re not taking her back. She’s yours for life.”

(With that, my normally rather serious and traditional father sent the entire chapel into an uproar of laughter as he slapped the other half of a pair of handcuffs onto the wrist of my blushing but amused groom. We wore them for the entirety of the ceremony. We’re still happily married, and my dad loves to retell the story.)

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