See If They Ever Come Again

, , , , , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2020

We were catching up with some friends for a chat. Being a gracious host, I offered them a drink. She wanted coffee and he wanted tea.

While the teabag was steeping in the cup, I asked, “Are you a two-, three- or four-minute man?”

I’ve no idea why his wife was laughing so hard.

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No Such Thing As Too Much Garlic

, , , , , | Working | April 2, 2020

My mother and I are out at a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. At this restaurant, any dinner comes with salad and garlic knots as a starter. When the knots come out, they are completely covered in garlic, which neither of us mind too much.

My mom loves to kid around with restaurant employees and jokingly asks our server if we could possibly get more garlic. Usually, when my mom does this, the server laughs a bit, but ours says nothing and walks away.

We think nothing of it until the server returns a few minutes later with a bowl of garlic! To this day I still wonder if it was a joke or if she actually thought we wanted more garlic on our already garlic-drowned garlic knots.

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Even Ugly People Shower Naked

, , , , | Romantic | April 1, 2020

I have just given birth to my first child and I still have a lot of baby weight left. As such, I’m feeling rather self-conscious about how I look, and my husband has been trying to make me feel better. When I am in the shower, he comes into the bathroom with our baby daughter.

Husband: “Look, [Baby], it’s your mommy! She’s naked! But that’s okay because she’s beautiful!”

Although touched, I can’t resist responding:

Me: “So, it’s not okay for unattractive people to be naked?”

He laughed and then awkwardly tried to walk back what he had said.

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That Certainly Is Special

, , , , , | Working | March 31, 2020

(My husband and I are at a restaurant, checking out the menu. They have the specials on chalkboards on the walls, usually nicely written and decorated. We start discussing one of the specials we are going to actually get.)

Me: “Oooooh, they have loaded schnitzels with cheese, bacon, and mushrooms. Choice of beef or chicken. I think I might get the chicken.”

(My husband turns to look at the sign.)

Husband: “Oh, that sounds good. How much… Hang on. I’m not sure if I want that or not!” *laughing*

Me: “Why? It sounds amazing.”

Husband: “Because it says, ‘Shitzles.’ I’m not sure that would taste great.”

Me: “What? Oh, my goodness, it does, too! Hang on; I will go tell someone.”

(I get up and go to tell our waitress.)

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys realized that the schnitzel sign actually says, ‘Shitzels.’”

Waitress: What?! Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “All good! Just figured you would want to change it.”

(I went to sit back down, and then another waitress came running over like a bat out of Hell with cloths and chalk. We all had a pretty good laugh.)

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Heartwarming And Brainmelting

, , , , | Related | March 31, 2020

This happens on my younger brother’s tenth birthday. My parents gather my entire family into the dining room after all of the party guests leave and sit seriously on the table.

Dad: “So, [Younger Brother], you’re ten now, so your mother and I have something important to tell you.”

Younger Brother: “What is it? Am I changing school?”

Mom: “No. You’re not actually our child. You’re adopted.”

Younger Brother & Me: “WHAT?!”

Everyone looks at me.

Me: “Oh, right. Sorry. I genuinely forgot that you were adopted.”

Older Brother: “Come on! You’re the one that wanted us to adopt [Younger Brother]. H***, you’re the one that named him!”

Me: “Like I said, I forgot. It’s been a decade.”

Younger Brother: *Teary-eyed* “So, it’s true, I’m not Mommy and Daddy’s child?”

Me: “Yeah. Sorry, [Younger Brother]. Mommy never gave birth to you, unlike me and [Older Brother]. But that doesn’t mean that she’s still not your mother.”

Everyone in room stares at me again

Older Brother: “[My Name], I’m adopted, as well. Remember?”

Younger Brother: “Yeah, even I know that.”

Me: *Sputtering* “Well, it’s been almost two decades by now!”

Younger Brother: *To me* “Are you adopted, as well?”

Me: “No. This time I’m absolutely certain.”

Mom: *Teasingly* “Yeah… about that…”

Me: *Annoyed tone* “Mommy!”

Mom: *Pouts* “Yeah. You’re mine. And the whole reason why I cannot have any more children. That’s why we adopted your brothers.”

Yeah. That was genuinely my fault. My birth was so traumatic that it rendered my mother infertile. Regardless, I still have two amazing brothers whom I love with all my heart. This wasn’t the first time I’d had to be reminded that my brothers aren’t biological and it wasn’t the last time, either. Regardless, I don’t care and neither do they. We’re family through and through. For now and forever.

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