Just His (Red) Cross To Bear

, , , , , | Healthy | April 17, 2019

(For those who don’t know, there is a specialized blood donation process called apheresis. In this type of donation, the platelets are separated out of the bloodstream and collected, while the rest of the blood is returned to the body. It takes longer than a regular whole blood donation but can be done more often so people can give more. The phone rings and I answer it.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller] from the American Red Cross calling to speak to [Husband] about scheduling an apheresis appointment.”

Me: *calling out* “[Husband], it’s the Red Cross. They want to suck your blood!”

Caller: “No, just his platelets…”

Just The Naked Truth, Doc

, , , | Healthy | April 15, 2019

(I’ve been referred to a gynaecologist. After taking my history he shows me behind a curtain, where there is a bed with stirrups, and asks me to get ready for an examination. After a minute or two, I am ready.)

Doctor: *from the other side of the curtain* “Are you decent?”

(My legs are in stirrups, and my genitals are completely exposed.)

Me: *jokingly* “Well, I definitely wouldn’t say I’m decent…”

The Great British Fall-Off

, , , , , | Related | April 12, 2019

(Mum and I are both watching a programme with the comedian Sue Perkins as she follows the Mekong river in China. She’s been driven up one of the mountains and gotten out part way to talk about the river. She also talks about how the altitude is affecting her and she’s lightheaded. She’s doing this whilst stood on the edge of the road that seems to have a sheer drop with no barrier. Mum and I are both acrophobic — we’re scared of heights to an irrational level.)

Me: *getting anxious* “She is really starting to bother me. She’s getting lightheaded and is stood… there.”

Mum: “On the edge.”

Me: “Nothing to break her fall.”

Mum: “Well, we wouldn’t be there. We’d be against the mountain going, ‘Sue! Suuuue! Come away from the edge!'”

Me: *pretending to be more panicked than I am* “‘Sue, it’s not safe!'”

Mum: *also pretending panic* “’Suuuue!’”

(It then pans out to show that she genuinely is on the edge of the cliff.)

Mum & Me: *no longer pretending* “SUE!”

(Thankfully, it cuts to a different take.)

A Wheely Bad Joke

, , , , | Romantic | April 12, 2019

(When other cars are around, my father is a very good driver. When there aren’t cars nearby, he doesn’t pay quite so much attention and often slides a bit into other lanes. This really annoys my mother, but after 27 years, she’s come to the conclusion that it’s not worth mentioning unless it’s quite egregious. Every so often, though, she feels the need to say something, as in this instance:)

Mom: “Honey… you’re in the bike lane.”

Dad: “Oh, that’s okay; I only have two wheels there!”

(It should be noted that he would have been nowhere near the bike lane if there were bikes anywhere in the vicinity. He really is a very safe driver. But he saw his chance to be a smart-alec, and he took it.)

Can’t Be As Smooth As Those Stairs

, , , , , | Learning | April 12, 2019

(I teach advanced classes at a fine arts school. The building is old, and it shows, but since it’s state property, it takes loads and loads of paperwork to get anything fixed. We’re left with buzzing lamps, cracked walls, and mirror-smooth floors and stairs with no friction whatsoever. One day, as I walk to the classroom, I find one of my students sprawled across the stairs, not moving.)

Me: “Oh, God! [Student], are you okay?!”

Student: “Yeah, doc, I’m fine. Just thinking, y’know? This place has been here for quite a while… Imagine how many scholars and artists walked on these stairs, how many other people must have been here before them, paving the way for us…”

Me: “You slipped and fell, didn’t you?”

Student: “I slipped and fell, doc. And it really hurts, so I’m just chillin’ until it passes.”

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