Don’t Get Mailboxed In

, , , , | Related | January 14, 2018

(My mom and I are going to give up one of our dogs to a home where she’ll be better cared for. Despite my protests, my mom decides to drive without her glasses. As we’re pulling out of the driveway, we hear a loud “THUNK” and she stops. I look back and notice something gone.)

Me: “Mom! I think you hit the mailbox!”

Mom: “Oh, it’s fine!”

Me: “I CAN’T EVEN SEE IT! You knocked over the mailbox!”

Mom: “Actually, I think I did.”

(My mom calls my stepfather to help her look at the damage whilst I sit in the car with the dog. Sure enough, not only is the mailbox knocked over, it’s broken in half. After getting it set back up so we can fix it later, we drive away. I decide to poke fun at her.)

Me: “How did you manage to hit the only thing in the driveway and break it?!”

Mom: “I didn’t see it!”

Me: “IT IS THE ONLY THING THERE!”

Mom: “Oh, it was a mistake!”

Me: “Well, next time you pull out, don’t hit any mailboxes!”

Mom: “But there isn’t one where we’re going!”

Me: “Knowing you, you’d still somehow hit one.”

Exisssstential Crisisssss

, , , , , , | Related | January 13, 2018

(My family and I are going for a bike ride in the forest when I see a dead snake on the path. We all stop to look at it and are expressing our sympathy [“Aw, poor thing,” etc.] when my youngest sister, probably about three years old, suddenly comes out with this gem:)

Sister: “So, snakes do exist!”

(We all cracked up and tried to figure out where that came from. She had seen snakes in the zoo before, so we still have no idea why she would say that.)

The Smell Of Cakes And Pies Is Absolutely Everywhere

, , , , , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A local pizza shop is known for their creative specialty pizzas, and normally have ten or so in a display case to be sold by the slice; because the selection is always changing, it’s common for customers to ask what any given pie is. On my walk to the shop today, it started to snow.)

Me: *walks up to the counter, pointing to a pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing to a different pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing out the window at the falling snow* “There’s white things in the air…”

(The employee looks at me strangely. The gears are turning, but the light bulb hasn’t quite come on yet.)

Me: *pointing to a third pizza* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: “There’s pizza everywhere…” *points to one last pie* “What’s this?”

(At this point, the light bulb went on and the employee burst out laughing… realizing that while I’d gotten two of the lines reversed, I did indeed just run him through the first couple stanzas of “What’s This?” from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”)

This Request Is Toast

, , , , , | Friendly | January 11, 2018

(My brother-in-law organizes events. I have just received a bunch of flyers and other stuff which I plan on taking to my school to promote one of his festivals. Also, my boyfriend and I have recently seen a TV ad for schnitzels you can cook in a toaster. He and his friends are thrilled and discuss if they should get some to sell, amongst other items of junk food, at their hangout place. I am at home when the phone rings.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, what’s up? I’m at [Hangout Place] right now. Do you want to come, too?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, and do you mind bringing a toaster?”

Me: “Ummm, okay. I’ll bring one.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, see ya.”

(I assume the guys did buy those schnitzels only to realize they don’t have a toaster, so I grab mine and head to the hangout place. I arrive to a crowd of about fifteen guys, all of them completely hysterical. I just stand there, baffled and still holding the toaster, until the laughter dies down.)

Me: “What’s wrong? [Boyfriend] asked me to bring a toaster?”

Boyfriend: *barely containing his laughter* “Noooo, dear, I asked you for one of [Brother-In-Law]’s posters. You know, for [Festival].”

(I have yet to live this one down.)

Spectator Sport Is A Spectator Sport

, , , , , , | Learning | January 11, 2018

(At school I’m in the band. Our director has a sense of humor and jokes around with us a lot. One day the following conversation happens.)

Director: “How many of you watch people play video games on YouTube?”

(Most of us raise our hands.)

Director: “Those with a raised hand, can you tell me why?”

(Again most of us raise our hands, and the director calls on someone.)

Student: “Do you watch football?”

Director: “Sometimes, why?”

Student: “Well, why do you watch football?”

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