Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 13, 2018

(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped blocks in the different shaped holes. She’s not good at using the shaped holes yet, but there’s a larger opening for getting the blocks out, so she puts them and other small toys in the cube all the time. The baby puts a yellow ball in a purple cup.)

Husband: “She likes putting things in that purple cup.”

Me: “She likes putting things in other things in general.” *motions towards the cube*

Husband: “Well, so do we. That’s how we got her.”

Me: “…”

Husband: *smiles*

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Cake Beats Pi

, , , , | Related | March 13, 2018

(My brother has struggled with maths all his life, but he always manages to get decent grades through discipline and lots of hard work. In his final years of high school, however, he gets a particularly mean maths teacher who hates students, and thinks they’re all lazy and exist for no other purpose than to make her life miserable. Nearly all of her classes get an average of D or sometimes even F, but it never occurs to her that it might be due to her awful teaching. During my brother’s last few weeks of high school, most teachers play games or watch movies with the students, because all grades are already set, but not this one. One day, my mother and I are in the kitchen, preparing lunch.)

Mother: “[Brother] should be home any minute now, and we just finished cooking! What great timing!”

(Ten minutes pass, no sign of my brother.)

Mother: “I wonder what’s taking him so long? Normally, he’s always on time.”

(Another 15 minutes pass.)

Mother: “I’m starting to get worried. Do you think something happened to him?”

Me: “Relax, Mom. I’m sure he’s just talking with friends or something.”

(After ten more minutes, my mother tries to call him, but he doesn’t answer his phone. She’s really worried by now. But then, my brother shows up, carrying several large boxes.)

Mother: “[Brother]! Where were you?! I was so worried!”

Brother: *smiling gleefully* “I went to the bakery! Today was my last lesson ever with Mrs. [Teacher]! I bought cake for everyone; let’s celebrate!”

(He had bought three whole cakes, enough for the whole family and neighborhood, so we ended up throwing a huge No Mrs.[Teacher] Party and had still cake for the next three days.)

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Gotta Be On Someone’s Bucket List

, , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(This happens when I’m being babysat by a neighbor. My parents have been reupholstering our kitchen chairs, so the seats of all of them are detached and sitting loose on the chairs. I curiously lift up one of the seats.)

Babysitter: *watching me* “Wow, that lifts up? That’s cool. It’s like a toilet! In fact, you could probably use it as a toilet. Just lift that up and put a bucket under there, and you could go to the bathroom while you’re eating supper!”

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Within Spitting Distance Of Coincidence

, , , , | Working | March 12, 2018

(My brother and I go to a theme park. The first ride my brother chooses to go on is this high-altitude ride that flip-flops back and forth. I chicken out and wait to the side for him. As the ride ends and people start filtering out, a guy walks past me with his girlfriend. He’s rubbing his face angrily as he speaks to his girlfriend.)

Guy: “Somebody’s glob of spit slapped me right in the face!”

(I think, “That sucks!” Then my brother comes out. He’s all smiles.)

Brother: “Oh, man, that was amazing! I was laughing so hard, a huge wad of spit came flying out of my mouth!”

(I burst out laughing. To this day, I am still amazed by the sheer coincidence of this interaction.)

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Hungry Never Forgets

, , , , , | Related | March 12, 2018

(This happens when my brother is four or five years old. We have a rule that it’s okay if you don’t want any dinner, but you won’t be getting anything else until the next morning.)

Mom: “Guys, dinner is on the table.”

Little Brother: “I’m not hungry.”

Mom: “[Little Brother], please eat something, or you’ll be hungry later.”

Little Brother: “No. I don’t want to.”

Mom: “That’s fine. Just wash up and get ready for bed, then.”

(In about twenty minutes:)

Little Brother: “Moooom, I’m hungry. Make me something, please.”

Mom: “No, sorry. You’ve had your chance. You’ll have breakfast in the morning.”

(After a little crying and pleading he goes to bed. Fast forward a few weeks later, when our grandfather comes to visit and stays with us for a few days:)

Mom: *to grandfather* “Dad, are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.”

Grandfather: “No, thanks, honey. I ate before I left home, and I’m not that hungry.”

Little Brother: “Pop, you’d better eat, or she will make you go to bed hungry.”

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