Signing Your Health Away

, , , , | Healthy | June 20, 2018

(My uncle just had surgery and is telling me about it.)

Uncle: “They told me, because the painkillers mess with your head, to wait 24 hours before making any important decisions or signing any legal documents.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable.”

Uncle: “Then they said, ‘Sign here.'”

(I guess THEIR legal documents don’t count.)

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What Came First: The Prank Or The Egg?

, , , , , , | Related | June 20, 2018

(Growing up, I was the kid in my family who tended to have the worst sense of humour. I was certainly a stick in the mud at school, and even at home I wasn’t very good at taking a joke. Still, my family was very close, especially after my grandparents moved to the same town as us. One day, we are visiting a nearby village and pop into a tourist store. God knows why, but they have these little rubber eggs on sale; they’re not round enough to bounce properly, just rubber eggs used for… I’ve no clue. However, having a quid burning a hole in my pocket convinces 14-year-old me that this particular trinket is worth having. That afternoon we head to my grandparents’ house for lunch. I pop into the kitchen and open the fridge, and I spot that the egg tray is just one short of being full. Looking around to make sure nobody is watching me, I grab the rubber egg out of my pocket and put it in the tray. Afterward, I pretty much forget about the whole thing… until a week later, when I am back at home.)

Mum: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Mum: “Didn’t you buy a rubber egg at that shop in [Village]?”

Me: “Oh, umm, yeah. I did. Why?”

Mum: “What did you do with it?”

(I told her about what I’d done, and she burst out laughing. It turns out, my gran tried to crack the egg, only to find that she couldn’t. Rather than realising she’d been pranked with a rubber egg, she instead took it down to her local supermarket and asked for a refund!  The employees were staring at her like she had two heads, before two of them took the egg and started playing catch. My gran still had no idea what was going on, but the chuckling manager happily gave her a free box of new ones. The next time I saw her I let her know what had happened and she spent the day with a huge grin. Apparently, what had really shocked her and my mum is that I’d managed to not tell anybody about the prank until it paid off! My gran still mentions it whenever she goes to that supermarket.)

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A Spoon-Fed Fork Pun

, , , , , , | Working | June 20, 2018

After a busy day, we spent a long night washing dishes, and we were all exhausted after working all day. One of the servers came to ask us if we had any clean forks so that they could finish placing silverware, but didn’t know that one of the other servers had just picked up all we had left.

Without thinking, I said, “Sorry, we’re fresh out of forks to give.”

My manager overheard, and started laughing.

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Dad Has A Few Grams Of Sense

, , , , | Related | June 20, 2018

Father: “No, you can’t get a big ice cream. You won’t eat it. You’ll get a small one.”

Boy: “But Daddy, a medium one, please.”

Father: “They don’t have medium — only big and small — so I’m getting you a small.”

Boy: “Mediuuuummmm, pleeeease!”

Father: *looks at the display next to the window saying, “small 120g 2PLN, big 200g 4PLN”* “One medium 120-grams ice cream, please.”

Boy: “Oh, thanks, Daddy!”

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They Were Nun The Wiser

, , , | Right | June 19, 2018

(This day, everything is going wrong: employees are missing, orders are long, we have several rude customers, I have no time for a break, and we are in the middle of our rush hour. I’m taking orders and taking inventory in the back when my supervisor runs up to me.)

Supervisor: “Give me your headset; a customer’s car broke down in front of the pickup window. Can you and [Employee] please help move it?”

Me: “Are you f****** kidding? What else can go wrong?”

(To make it outside, I pass the pickup window. Uncontrollably cursing under my breath, I take a look outside to see who had the balls to have a junk car break down and expect us to move it. I see three extremely elderly nuns and one middle-aged nun in complete habit attire smiling from their van.)

Nun: “I’m so sorry.”

Me: *shocked* “No problem, ma’am. Let’s just get you over here.”

(Another employee and I push the car out of the way of the window — refusing their offer to get out — and made sure they got help from a nearby auto store. The nuns thank us profusely, give us their blessings, and ride away.)

Me: “Before I knew who they were, I cursed them for their car breaking down.”

Employee: “Oh, yeah. Me, too.”

Me: “We’re going to Hell.”

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