They Don’t Really Have Those On The Menu

, , , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

(I am with a friend in a Chinese restaurant, close to Chinese New Year. My friend wants to wish the waitress a “happy new year” in Cantonese, so I have been doing my best to teach him the phrase. Neither of us are Chinese, but it has been a simple enough phrase for me to learn.)

Me: “It’s, ‘Gong Hey Fat Choy!’

Friend:Hong Kay Fat Koi.”

Me: “What? No… It’s ‘Gong Hey Fat Choy!’

Friend:Gong Hey Fat Choy!

Me: “You got it!”

(The waitress comes over and we order our food as normal. My friend is adorable, bursting with excitement during the whole process about “showing off” his new-found ability to speak four Chinese words.)

Waitress: “Okay, is there anything else I can get you guys?”

Friend: “There is one thing!”

Waitress: “Sure! What would that be?”

Friend:Hung Gay Frat Boy!

(My friend beamed a huge smile, incredibly proud of himself.)

No Hangups With Your Phone Style

, , , , , , , | Working | February 15, 2018

(My first real job is at a bakery. I answer the phone, but hear the line go dead about halfway through my welcome message.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name].”

(The customer hangs up.)

Me: “We are not available to speak to you right now, so please speak slowly and clearly at the sound of the click.”

(I hang up. My boss literally stops with one foot in the air, looking HORRIFIED.)

Me: “Relax, man. They hung up.”

Boss: *sigh of relief, followed by a grin* “Whew. That was funny. Never do it again.”

Me: *salutes* “No problem! I work up a new gag each time.”

I’m Mexual

, , , , | Friendly | February 14, 2018

(Two of my coworkers are gossiping on the other side of the counter. I can’t hear what they’re talking about, but they keep looking over at me. Finally, one of them calls out to me.)

Coworker: *smirking* “Hey, [My Name], do you prefer taco bowls or burritos?”

Me: *blank stare* “I don’t like Mexican food.”

(They cracked up, and it eventually came out that this was some bizarre metaphor for asking me whether I was gay or straight. It still worked: I’m asexual.)

Valentine’s Crimes

, , , , , | Romantic | February 14, 2018

(It’s Valentine’s Day, and although it’s not really celebrated in my country, we have a few things for the occasion. A young man comes running in, panting like crazy.)

Customer: “I need that teddy bear!” *points to a bear with a big heart on his chest* “And that balloon!” *a giant heart with “I love you” written on it*

Me: “Sure. It will be [amount].”

Customer: “Do you have chocolates?!”

Me: “Yes, I can recommend [Brand] that comes with a little love poem inside.”

Customer: “Yes, give me two.”

(I gather everything and put it in a red and pink bag. He pays and runs off like he’s being chased by the devil. My boss has been watching in silence until this moment.)

Boss: “Do you think he just forgot or that he needs to repent for some sins?”

Me: “I don’t want to know.”

A Sound Softly Creeping

, , , , | Friendly | February 13, 2018

(My roommate and I are watching television when he makes a face and plays with his ear.)

Roommate: “Ugh, tinnitus.”

(A few moments go by.)

Roommate: “And there goes the song. I keep getting this song stuck in my head.”

Me: “Which one?”

Roommate: “I don’t know the lyrics.” *hums a bit*

(I recognize it immediately and begin singing, plugging in new lyrics to fit the situation.)

Me: “Hello, tinnitus, my old friend! Now I can hear you once again.”

Roommate: “Haha, yeah! That’s the song! What’s it called?”

Me: “Seriously? It’s The Sound of Silence.”

(Oh, irony. I love both you and this goofy roommate.)