That’s Been Gar-Licked

, , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(We’re on vacation, and we stop at a craft fair. A woman is demonstrating a device that can make, among other things, potato chips.)

Woman: “We’re gonna season the potatoes now, with a little garlic powder, a little onion powder, and a little salt.” *she starts with the garlic powder* “Now, y’all don’t wanna use too much garlic—”

(As she says this, the top of the garlic jar pops off, and a bunch of garlic powder gets dumped into the pot, and everyone laughs.)

Woman: *slightly embarrassed* “Ah, that’s okay. Y’all eat it, anyway.”

Solved That Problem With A Novel Solution

, , , , , | Learning | November 21, 2017

(One of my classmates is a hard-working student, she has sass and attitude, and she isn’t afraid of anything. In spite of this, she can’t get her average grades up over 50%, and that’s even after I offer to tutor her as I have a 90% average.)

Classmate: *struggling to work out a problem* “Uh… [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Classmate: “You’re super smart, right?”

Me: “Uh…”

Teacher: “Yes, he is, but don’t let that discourage you.”

Classmate: “And you’re going to be, like, a super successful lawyer right?”

Me: “That’s what I’m aiming for, yeah…”

Classmate: “Can I be your trophy wife?”

(I think our teacher almost died that day. On a side note, I did graduate law school, I am currently engaged to my classmate, and she’s still a bit of an airhead, but she managed to get into a medical school aiming for a position as a nurse!)

They Must Be From The Magic Mushroom Kingdom

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2017

(The roommate and I are watching videos online when I get momentarily distracted. The roommate notices.)

Roommate: “What are you thinking about so hard?”

Me: “Oh, just what shade of red I should make Waluigi’s super cape, and where I’m going to find a maple leaf cut-out to sew on it. Or maybe I should just get an applique. And do you think I can use the same white mesh for his bridal veil as for Yoshi’s toilet paper?”

Roommate: *after a long pause* “It’s too early for alcohol. It’s too early for alcohol…”

Me: “Hey, you asked!”

Even Though The Sound Of It Is Something Quite Horrocious

, , , , | Learning | November 20, 2017

(My mother worked as a secretary at the school my younger brothers and I attended from kindergarten to eighth grade, and had her share of humorous mishaps. When I enter middle school and begin getting dismissed earlier, I bring a book to my mother’s office and read until it’s time to pick up my brothers. On this day, she’s a little nervous about having to call some higher-ups about a chronically truant student, and repeatedly reminds me to be quiet when she finally picks up the phone.)

Mom: “This student’s attendance is—” *intending to say either “horrendous” or “atrocious”* “—horrocious!” *realizes what she’s said, smacks her forehead with one hand* “I mean…”

(Luckily, the person on the other end of the phone actually found it pretty funny, and, “That’s horrocious!” became a bit of a running joke with the staff for a while.)

A Performance That Brings You To Tears

, , , , , | Learning | November 20, 2017

(We are rehearsing for a performance of the play “Oz.” As a middle school, the acting is about what you would expect. I am a tech, sitting in the audience. [Student] is playing The Wicked Witch of the West.)

Teacher: “You aren’t scary enough, [Student]! When you come onstage I want tiny children crying!”

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