What A Sheety Thing To Do

, , , , , | Romantic | January 21, 2018

(I’m sitting on my bed when my dad sits next to me.)

Dad: “When your mother gave birth to you, do you want to know the first thing she said to me?”

Me: “No?”

Dad: *continuing anyway* “She said, ‘CHANGE THE SHEETS, YOU B******; I’M BIRTHING YOUR CHILD!’”

Mom: *from the next room* “And what did we come home to? Dirty sheets! That’s what!”

Should Be Your Blanket Response To Most Decisions

, , , , | Romantic | January 20, 2018

(In the morning:)

Girlfriend: “I was cold last night.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “Because you took all the blankets.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you take them back?”

Girlfriend: “Because I would have woken you up.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, then, you made your choice.”

The Sword Is Mightier Than These Pens

, , , , , | Related | January 20, 2018

(My mother always keeps a mug full of pens by her phone, but it’s always the same thing when I need to write something.)

Me: “Do you have a pen?”

Mum: “Yes, next to the phone.”

Dad: “Good luck.”

(Despite knowing better, I go to get a pen and find it doesn’t work, nor do the rest of the pens in the mug.)

Me: “Do you have any pens that actually work?”

Mum: “What do you need a working pen for?”

Me: “Umm… To write with.”

Mum: “You didn’t say you needed to write something.”

Dad: *shakes his head* “Here, do you want a pencil?”

Me: “Thanks.”

Mum: “I don’t know why he always uses a pencil.”

Dad: “Because none of the pens work.”

Laughter Is The Best Drug

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 20, 2018

(Several years ago, I had an accident that required a skin graft on a knuckle. Present day: I hit my hand while working, causing the skin graft to split open, meaning I need stitches. I get to the hospital at about 4:30 pm, and it is PACKED. It is almost 2:00 in the morning before the doctor can even have a look at me.)

Doctor: “Yeah, you will need stitches, so I’m going to give you some novocaine to numb your finger up. We’ll give it 15 minutes to take effect, and get started.”

Me: “Don’t worry about that. It is a skin graft. You would need to poke me where I can feel it, to numb me up where I already can’t feel anything. Just sew it up, please.”

(The doctor agrees, gets a nurse to bring in the kit and hand him stuff, and starts stitching. I can’t feel a thing. After a few minutes, the nurse leans over and asks:)

Nurse: “So, is the novocaine still working?”

(In my defence, I am tired and incredibly bored, so I just look up with a horrified expression and say:)

Me: “I NEVER GOT ANY!”

(The nurse’s eyes almost pop out, and she is ready to flip out. The doctor just looks up at me and says:)

Doctor: “Oh, shut up, you baby.”

(Sorry, nurse, but the doc and I got a good laugh, at least.)

Shouldn’t Be The Walking Dead

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 19, 2018

(I’m in PE with my two friends and this exchange occurs:)

Friend #1: “I’m a walking corpse.”

Friend #2: *singing in a cheerful voice* “Badabap.”

Me: “Hey, we’re supposed to be running corpses!”

Friend #2: “Oopsie-daisy. At least [Coach] isn’t watching us right now…”

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