(I’m moving and my brother and his family are helping me, including my five-year-old niece. They uncover a big box of Lego that I totally forgot about.)

Niece: *with a look on her face as if she’d discovered a treasure trove* “Can I have it?”

Me: *checking out the box and looking at my sister-in-law* “According to the box, it is for ages seven to twelve, so she is too young.”

Sister-In-Law: “No worries; I have a husband in that age group.”

(My brother is an avid collector of figurines featuring VW bus or Beetle.)

Brother: *yelling from the next room* “It has a Fillmore in it.”

Me: “Guess that is decided, then.”

I’m the annoying customer here. Very occasionally, I will ask a fast food employee for a refund on something other than my drink — fries, a cookie, etc. My goal is just to make the employee chuckle, though I did once have someone laugh so hard that he gave it to me.

One employee, though, thought fast enough to give me an awesome response: “Sure, if I can get a refill on your dollar!”

(Whilst I’m at work, I spot some friends of mine browsing the frozen food aisle. As it’s quiet and I have nothing that needs doing, I decide to say hello.)

Me: *to friends* “Excuse me, madam. I’m going to have to ask you to leave as you’re causing trouble.”

(My friends laugh at the joke. However, a lady nearby doesn’t find it funny.)

Lady: “How dare you?! They weren’t doing anything wrong! The staff here are very rude; I want to complain!”

Friend: “Grandma, it’s okay; we know him! He’s joking!”

(My friend’s Grandma gave me a dirty look, and has done so every time we’ve met since!)

(We’re in the waiting room during our adult son’s brain surgery. A family sits near us and I hear:)

Family: “He’s in Jesus’s hands now.”

(I lean over to my son’s girlfriend and say:)

Me: “They sent a carpenter in to do a surgeon’s job.”

During a busy breakfast in a fast food restaurant, the kitchen was backed up, and customers were waiting about four to five minutes for their order, which I didn’t consider unreasonable in the circumstances.  

One customer, who was waiting, piped up with, “Are they catching the chickens?” — for the eggs, I assume. My first thought was that if she was going to be impatient, she could at least be original.

At that moment, a metallic piece of kitchen equipment fell to the floor with a loud clang, causing the kitchen person to screech, and a loud commotion ensued.  With a straight face, I immediately replied, “It sounds like they caught it. It shouldn’t be long now.”  

All the customers present had a laugh and proceeded to wait patiently.