(My brother has always had a way of getting people to their breaking points of frustration and anger with little to no effort. I don’t remember what this argument was about since it was so many years ago, and my dad was always the “talk things out” parent, so the fact he confided in me years later that he’d been uncomfortably close to pulling over and hitting my brother meant he was SERIOUSLY at his limit.

I’m in the car with my brother and my dad and they’ve been arguing. I’ve never seen my dad so mad before or since. There’s been a tense silence in the few minutes after their argument when my brother decides there’s a very important and unrelated question he needs answered.)

Brother: *as if he hadn’t just been arguing with my father* “Hey, Dad? What’s the biggest dog you know of?”

Dad: *in the angriest tone I’ve ever heard him use* “A SAINT F****** BERNARD.”

(Dad, I very sincerely love how, even at the angriest I’ve ever seen you, you still took the time to sincerely answer your son.)

(I am the cashier at a popular ice cream fast food chain. This occurs as I am serving a couple who are approximately in their late sixties.)

Me: “Hello! What can I get for you today?”

Customer #1: “Hello, I’ll take a chocolate sundae and whatever she’s having.”

Customer #2: “I’ll just have an ice cream cone, please. Thank you for paying; that’s quite sweet of you.”

Customer #1: “Eh, from this I’m just hoping to get lucky!”

(The customers chuckled a bit as I was struggling to contain my laughter!)

(I am playing an online game with my boyfriend and his schoolmates. We’re using Skype to talk. Halfway through a level, his mom comes into the room. We can hear the entire conversation as he left his mic on.)

Mum: “Boy-boy. Mummy is back.”

Boyfriend: “Uh, hi, Mum.”

Us: *snickers*

Mum: “What game are you playing, ah? Looks very violent. Are you sure you’re old enough for this?”

(He’s seventeen and we’re playing “Left 4 Dead 2.” I know for a fact that he modded the zombies to look like stormtroopers and removed the blood spray for FPS purposes.)

Us: *snickers even louder*

(His tone gets more annoyed as he’s still wearing his headphones and can hear us.)

Boyfriend: “Mum. It’s okay. Don’t worry, all right?”

Mum: “Why can’t you go out and play outside more, ah? Keep playing video games in your room and you will forever never have friends.”

Boyfriend: “I’m playing with my friends now, Mum. We’re playing together online.”

Mum: “Which friends?”

Boyfriend: “[Friend #1], [Friend #2] and [My Name].”

Mum: *perks up* “[My Name]? Really? Last time I saw her she was still a little girl.”

Friends #1 & #2: *starts laughing*

Me: *starts dying of embarrassment*

Mum: “And didn’t she used to cry so much when you had to go home?”

Me: “Stop laughing, idiots! I was six when that happened!”

Friends #1 & #2: *laughs even louder*

Boyfriend: “Uh, Mum, that’s–”

Mum: *not listening* “I think I’ve got a picture of the two of you in the bathtub! Lemme go find it.”

Friends #1 & #2: *catcalling*

Me: *dies of embarrassment*

Boyfriend: *long sigh* “She’s gone now. And I’m locking my room.”

Me: *no-nonsense tone* “I am never inviting her to our wedding.”

Friends #1 & #2: “Ooooh.”

Boyfriend: *without hesitation* “Agreed.”

(We’re out to dinner at a rather nice steakhouse; our group consists of my husband, me, our two children — our six-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son — and our friend. Our daughter is colouring on the paper provided when she scratches at the edge of her nostril.)

Husband: *jokingly, once she’s finished* “Does it feel nice to pick your nose?” 

Daughter: “I didn’t pick my nose; I scratched it!” *shows him how she scratched her nose*

Husband: “Again, did it feel nice to pick your nose?”

Daughter: *raising her voice* “I. Didn’t. Pick. My. Nose!” 

Server: *approaching as our daughter yells the last bit* “I… can come back… later?” 

Me: “No, please ignore them. This is quite normal.” *to my husband* “Knock it off, or I’ll call you a [ride-share] to take you home.”

(My daughter gave my husband a smug smile and turned to the server to order, smiling the entire time much like the cat that ate the canary. After all, her daddy got scolded, but she didn’t! Poor server is definitely getting a huge tip tonight.)

(I work IT for a retail company and I work remotely from my basement. That means that the dogs come and hang out with me during the day when I’m the only one home. I’m used to them coming over and nudging me occasionally if they think they’re being ignored. One day, I’m on the phone with an end-user.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll want to reboot really fast and we’ll confirm that we’ve fixed the issue.”

Caller: “Okay, how long will that take?”

(While we are talking, one of the dogs comes over and sits next to me. I absentmindedly start petting him while talking to her.)

Me: “Shouldn’t take long to reboot; if it’s been a while since it was rebooted, it might take a little–”

(I’m interrupted by the dog howling in my ear.)

Caller: “Um, what was that?”

Me: *trying not to laugh as I side-eye the dog* “I’m sorry! I work from home and the dog has decided he’s being too ignored!”

Caller: *starts laughing* “Oh, good! I thought it was a dog, but I was wondering why you would have a dog in the office!”

(Her computer reboots and we verify the issue has resolved itself.)

Caller: “Thank you so much. Enjoy your day! And give those puppers some love!”

Me: “Enjoy your day, as well, and I will!”

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