Whiskey And Die

, , , , | Romantic | April 29, 2018

(I’m talking with my girlfriend online. She tells me she is taking her sister in for some medical tests and asks me what I’m doing.)

Me: “I’m watching Criminal Minds and drinking whiskey.”

Girlfriend: “That sounds good, except for the Criminal Minds and the whiskey.”

Adopting A Devilish Attitude

, , , , | Related | April 28, 2018

(My wife, my dad, and I are looking at the cats up for adoption at a pet supply store, but we absolutely don’t want to adopt, as we all have too many cats already. My dad has a sense of humor that can be very confusing to those who don’t know him well. An employee walks up to us.)

Employee: “Are you guys looking to adopt a friend today?”

Dad: “Get behind me, Satan.”

(The employee was stunned, and my wife and I were equal parts horrified and amused. My dad acted as if this was a perfectly cordial thing to say. We checked out and left the store. Outside, we explained to him that the employee did not get his joke, so he bought a blank greeting card from the shop next door and wrote, “Sorry I called you Satan,” on the front. I didn’t get to see the employee’s face when my dad gave him the card, but somehow I doubt it made him any less confused.)

Hearing Double

, , , , | Right | April 27, 2018

(My twin sister and I are working at our father’s store along with our aunt who just started working there. We’re talking about customers and dumb “twin questions.”)

Me: “The worst ones are the over-dramatic questions. Like, ‘Whoa, I thought I was seeing double!'”

Twin: “Yeah, and they’ll add, ‘And I haven’t even started drinking today!’ They all think they’re so original.”

Aunt: “I can see how that can get very annoying.”

(As if on cue, as customer enters the store and sees my twin and me.)

Customer: “Oh, my God, are you guys twins?”

Me & Twin: *nods*

Customer: “And I thought I was seeing double! Wow, I haven’t even started drinking yet! Haha!”

Twin and Aunt: “…”

Me: “Oh, come on. He had to have heard us from outside… Right?”

Make Treatment Of Women Great Again

, , , , | Romantic | April 27, 2018

(I am on a tour of castles in the UK. One of the other passengers is a high-maintenance type who never stops complaining. Her husband seems like a nice enough guy, though on the quiet side. We are touring a 14th-century keep, and the guide is explaining some of the rather nasty stuff displayed on the wall, including an instrument of public punishment and humiliation for nagging wives. It’s an iron muzzle that straps around the victim’s face and through the mouth, pressing down on the tongue and preventing speech.)

Guide: “And this device is called a Scold’s Bridle.”

(He places it across his face to demonstrate.)

Husband: “Do they sell those in the gift shop?”

I’m Feeling Rather Toilet Myself

, , , , | Working | April 26, 2018

(I’ve just left my department to take a restroom break when a coworker from another department greets me.)

Coworker: “How ya doing, [My Name]?”

Me: “Bathroom.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Wait a sec. Did you say, ‘How ya doing?’ or, ‘Where ya going?'”

Coworker: “‘How ya doing?'”

Me: “Oh. Well, I guess, technically, the answer to both questions is the same.”

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