Stupid Minds Think Alike

, , , , , | Romantic | October 24, 2017

(It is our day off and my boyfriend and I each make something simple to eat for lunch. I mix salsa and sour cream together just to eat with some chips, but I unfortunately pour way too much salsa into the bowl.)

Me: *thinking to myself* “Hmm, [Boyfriend] might like to eat his pizza rolls with my salsa. Oh, don’t ask him that; what a stupid idea.”

(I leave the room for a couple of moments, and then come back and finish eating, but unfortunately end up tossing the rest of the dip.)

Boyfriend: *while I’m throwing out the salsa* “You know, while you weren’t in the room I tried my pizza rolls with your salsa, and it was really good, but I didn’t want you to see me eating it because I thought it was such a stupid idea!”

Car-Fooling

, , , , | Working | October 23, 2017

(We monitor closed circuit television for various highrise blocks in our city. One of our blocks is almost entirely enclosed inside a high fence with two vehicle gates. One is to enter and is security fob accessible, and one is to exit, and automatically opens when you drive up to it from the inside. Unfortunately, this exit gate is extremely temperamental and breaks down at the slightest gust of wind. There is a reset button near the gates, but this can be as temperamental as the gates themselves. We also have wardens that we can dispatch to any of our blocks. On this instance, our gates have failed again, but the onsite staff has already notified us. Two of our wardens are on site, but are both quite new. They are, however, very eager and very hands-on. This conversation takes place over radio.)

Warden: “We just wanted to let you know that the vehicle exit gates have failed. Is there anything that can be done?”

Me: “The only thing we can do is to phone [Repairs] and report it. You could try the reset button.”

Warden: “Is that [location of button]? Will that do anything, though?”

Me: “Well, you can try it. The worst thing that will happen is nothing at all.”

(At this point, we can see them pressing the button on the camera and I feel a bit mischievous.)

Me: “Yeah. You’ll have to test it by pretending to be a car.”

(I could watch what they do next all day, but I quickly put them out of their misery.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I mean you’ll have to test it with a car.”

(It did resolve the issue, but I will forever have the memory of our two new wardens jumping up and down in front of the gates doing star jumps trying to get the gates open.)

Today The Dog, Tomorrow The World!

, , , , , | Related | October 23, 2017

(My grandmother has gotten a new kitten, Nelly, and my grandfather has gotten a new dog, Bear, after their previous dog and cat both passed away from old age. At first all we hear are horror stories about how Bear, who is incredibly playful, won’t stop chasing Nelly, trying to get her to play with him. A couple months later, we are over for a visit when Bear walks into the room. Nelly spots him, climbs to the top of her tower, and then jumps on his back and rides him out of the room.)

Me: “Did Nelly just ride Bear out of the room like a trained circus pony?”

Grandmother: “Yep. They decided they like each other now. Either that, or Nelly is training Bear as a battle mount for the day when she inevitably takes over the world.”

Can You Hear The Irony?

, , , , , , | Right | October 23, 2017

(I answer the phone at my mother’s house, and since they have old party-lines in her area from forever ago, whenever the lines get wet from rain or condensation, they sound really static-filled and have a lot of feedback.)

Me: “Hello?”

Lady: *mumble mumble mumble*

Me: “Sorry, I can’t hear you. Can you speak louder?”

Lady: *slightly louder mumble mumble mumble*

Me: “You might have to yell; I really can’t hear you, sorry!”

Lady: “I’M CALLING FROM [TOWN] HEARING CLINIC TO ASK WHEN YOU LAST HAD YOUR HEARING CHECKED?!”

Me: “Never; my hearing is fine, thanks!”

The Ghost Of Classrooms’ Future

, , , , , | Learning | October 23, 2017

(I’m talking to my twelfth graders about how they need to do their work so they can pass my class and graduate.)

Student: “Can I come visit you after I—”

Me: *interrupting* “Yes.”

Student: “—die?”

Me: “What? No, you can’t come visit me after you die!”

Student: “But why not? I want to.”

Me: “There are no ghosts in my classroom! You can’t come visit me after you die!”

Student: “But—”

Me: *walks to the whiteboard and writes* “New classroom rule: you can’t come visit me after you die. So, now that we’ve got that cleared up…”

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