Drag Race: Civil War

, , , , , , | Learning | December 29, 2017

(It’s the last week of class before the December exam period, and I’m in an American history seminar of final year undergraduates. We’re all at the point of the year where deadlines are hitting and we’re all cracking a little. Our professor is doing his best to keep us on topic.)

Professor: “Okay, so what exactly would have motivated Union soldiers to steal women’s dresses? Remember, it’s okay to give the obvious answers; just keep the discussion going.”

(A long pause.)

Classmate: “Well, how popular were drag shows?”

The Temperature Of The Room Just Dropped

, , , , , , | Related | December 28, 2017

(My mom opens my Christmas present to her: an indoor/outdoor thermometer.)

Mom: “Oh, good! I wanted one of these.” *looks at my brother* “What? You have a funny look on your face.”

Brother: “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Me: “We did not discuss what gifts we bought.”

Brother: “We did not.”

Mom: *opens his gift: another thermometer* “Well, I really, really wanted one!”

Wish You Could Unwrite That Joke

, , , , , , | Learning | December 28, 2017

(My AP statistics teacher is known for, among other things, his extremely corny jokes. This happens the first day we have class after Thanksgiving break.)

Student: “I swear, we’ve been gone for a week, and I’ve forgotten everything we’ve learned this entire semester!”

Teacher: *walks over to [Student]’s desk and picks up her pencil, pretending to write in the air* “This thing lets you write stuff down.”

Student: *giggles* “And what does the other end do?”

Teacher: *turns pencil over and pretends to erase* “This end unwrites!”

A Twilight Discovery

, , , | Friendly | December 27, 2017

(I’m at a writer’s retreat, and we’re playing a game of Werewolf. Most players are villagers, but one or two are werewolves. The players vote to lynch one player each “day,” while the werewolves secretly kill a player each “night.” The goal is to find and kill the werewolves before they kill off the entire village. The first “day” is usually random guessing, in order to gauge people’s reactions. Two men have been accused of being werewolves. [Woman #1] jokingly backs up her choice by saying that she feels [Man #1] just looks like a murderer.)

Woman #2: “Okay, before we vote, we should give the accused a chance to defend themselves. [Man #1], you’ve been accused of looking like a murderer. Do you have a defence?”

Man #1: “This is just how I look. I have resting murder face.”

Woman #2: “And [Man #2]?”

Man #2: “I can’t be a werewolf for the simple fact that I am a vampire.”

Man #3: “Is that better?”

Me: “No, he makes a good point. We’re explicitly here to lynch werewolves. We can’t afford to be distracted by vampires right now.”

Forking Over The Good Presents

, , , , , | Related | December 27, 2017

(It is Christmas Day, and my brother and I have given our Mum gifts.)

Mum: *opening my gift* “A pizza stone? And a set of [kitchen utensils that make cooking easier]? Thank you, [My Name]. I was going to buy these for myself.”

(She gets handed a present from my brother. She shakes it and hears no sound. Deciding to open it, she uncovers layer upon layer of newspaper. Her face slowly darkens and we hear her muttering “…box full of air…oh, no, wait… it must be full of love,” but she gets to the gift and stares at it blankly before pulling it out.)

Mum: *holding up fork* “Is this it, [Brother]?”

Me: *reaching over and laughing* “No, no, look.”

(I extend the fork to five times its original length. Mum bursts out laughing.)

Mum: “Oh, an extendable fork; that makes everything better!”

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