One of my older cousins — she’s in her late teens and I’m eleven — is visiting for a bit and we’re driving around with my mom at the wheel. My cousin is chewing some gum when she decides she’s done, she rolls down the window and spits it out. She’s extremely gullible.

Mom: *Gasping* “You shouldn’t have done that!”

Cousin: “What?”

Mom: “Spit your gum onto the road! You could stop a car!”

Cousin: “What?!”

Me: *Catching on* “Yeah! If someone hits it with their tire, it could pull the tire right off!”

My cousin is now looking rather horrified.

Cousin: “I had no idea! I’m so sorry!”

Mom and I can’t keep up the act anymore and start laughing.

Cousin: “Ohh! That’s not nice!”

Mom: *Between giggles* “You’re right. Sorry. But you really shouldn’t litter.”

Maybe that was a bit mean, but at least she spit her gum into tissues or wrappers after that!

I work in a grocery store deli and am helping an older man decide what he should have for dinner.

Me: “I recommended the chicken pot pie because they are delicious and a good meal for one.”

Old Man: “Chicken pot pie? My three favorite things!”

It made me crack up and brightened up the rest of my day.

The hospital where I’m going to have my baby is currently restricting the number of people who can enter due to a global outbreak of illness. This means my partner can’t be with me for the delivery. This has led to a couple of interesting conversations.

The main one is when my labour starts at home. My partner is talking to the 999 operator on speakerphone to get an ambulance. Halfway through, this happens.

Partner: “Will they get here soon? I think the baby’s coming.”

Operator: “Ma’am, we have to ask that you and your baby stay at home. We can only take the patient. We’re trying to limit the number of people in hospital to reduce the infection rate.”

Partner: *Pauses* “I think you misheard me. I mean the baby currently exiting my wife’s uterus.”

I started laughing so hard I was distracted from contractions for a few minutes.

My grandmother passed away, we had her funeral, and we went to entomb her with my grandfather. I hate social gatherings in general, so I tend to avoid talking to people unless they’re in my immediate family. However, this one nice elderly lady comes up and talks to me, telling me how much I look like my grandma when she was young. We have a lovely chat and when we leave, my mom says:

Mom: “It was so nice of you to talk to Crazy Aunt [Aunt].”

Me: “Huh? Why is she called that?”

I figured she must have had a wild youth or something.

Mom: “Because she’s crazy. Literally. She lives in an insane asylum and got a day pass for the funeral.”

It just figures that the one person I would get along with is certifiably insane.

(I work a second job delivering pizza after my day job. One night, my wife texts me and asks me to bring home some items from the grocery. Since it’s almost midnight, I go to the supermarket just down the street from my pizza store before they close. After getting the items, I go to the one lane that’s open, which is attended by a cute woman in her twenties. She addresses me in an overly friendly manner, like we’re old acquaintances.)

Cute Cashier: “Hi, [My Name]! How’re you this evening?!”

Me: *slightly taken aback* “Um… I’m good.”

Cute Cashier: “I haven’t seen you for a while, [My Name].”

Me: *still wondering how I know this woman* “Well, I usually shop at the [Store] near my home in Maryland.”

Cute Cashier: “Oh, you’ve got quite a drive home, [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, I wouldn’t make it to that store before they closed.”

Cute Cashier: *finishes checking me out* “That’ll be $10.24, [My Name].”

(I hand her cash and take the receipt.)

Cute Cashier: “Bye, [My Name]! Drive safe!”

(I walked away, still confused as to how I knew this woman. I looked down at my items, and then I noticed: I was still wearing my delivery uniform which had my first name embroidered on it. I turned around and pointed at my name; [Cute Cashier] nodded to confirm she was just messing with my mind.)