Taking Charge Of The Matter

, , , , , , | Related | March 29, 2012

(My twin brother and I are about 15 at the time. I have just placed some AA batteries into a charger and gone to bed. My brother and I are both woken up in the middle of the night by a loud fizzle and pop.)

Brother: “What was that?”

Me: “Just the radiator… Go back to sleep.”

Brother: “I don’t think that was the radiator.”

(He turns on the light and sees that the batteries in the charger are fizzling, and a thick fluid is pouring out of them and on to the floor.)

Brother: “Oh, my God, it’s the batteries! Wait, did you put single-use batteries into a charger?”

Me: “Umm…”

Brother: “You idiot.”

Me: “I’ll clean it up.”

(I get up and go to pick up the batteries before any more fluid leaks on to the floor.)

Brother: “Wait, you can’t just pick them up! That stuff is toxic!”

Me: “Well, what should I use?!”

Brother: “I’ll go get some rubber gloves. And some aluminium foil.”

Me: “Foil?”

Brother: “Yeah, I read somewhere that you have to dispose of the batteries in foil before throwing them away.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Brother: “Just do it!”

(My brother and I both try to dispose of the leaking un-chargeable batteries from the battery charger. Our mother then walks into the room to find out what all the noise is about in the middle of the night. She walks in to find us both in our underwear, wearing rubber gloves, with aluminium foil in our hands. There is a long silence where we all just stare at each other.)

Mum: “Are you two on drugs?”

Us: “No, mum.”

Mum: “Am I on drugs?”

Us: “No, mum.”

Mum: “Good, then I don’t want to know. I’m going back to bed.”

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Out Of State, Out Of Mind, Part 2

, , | Related | December 26, 2011

(My brother has just came back from vacation in Virginia. Our sister-in-law, who is 20, sees him pull out cash to pay for the airport parking.)

Sister-in-law: “You switched your Virginia money back to Florida money already?”


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Thumbing Up, Dumbing Down

, | Related | December 26, 2011

(My brother and I, who are six years apart in age, are seated together on a sky-lift at an amusement park while one vacation. A couple of teenagers — boy and girl cuddling — pass us going the other way. The teenage boy gives me a ‘bro nod,’ followed by a thumbs-up.)

Me: “Did you see that? That guy just gave you a thumbs-up.”

Brother: “What? Why?”

Me: “I think he thought we were together.”

Brother: “No way.”

Me: “I don’t know whether to be creeped out because he thought we’re dating, or flattered because I’m a thumbs-up.”

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Debt Collection Is All That It Is Cracked Up To Be

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2010

Me: “Hello, may I please speak to Jane Doe?”

Customer: “Which one? One’s my wife and one’s my sister.”

Me: “Jane L. Doe.”

Customer: “That’s my sister. She’s a crackhead. We don’t associate with her anymore. She still owes me hundreds of dollars.”

Me: “Well, do you know anyone who could get in touch with her? Maybe your parents?”

Customer: “My parents don’t talk to her anymore either. And even if they did, I don’t want to hassle them over my good-for-nothing crackhead of a sister. Why do you want to talk to her?”

Me: “I need to speak with her regarding the property on [address].”

Customer: “That’s my house. What Jane Doe did you say you were looking for?”

Me: “Jane L. Doe.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s my wife. She’s not a crackhead. She’s at church.”

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