Sadly You’re Still A Nuclear Family

, , , , | Related | May 3, 2016

(My brother, my grandfather and I have just gotten on a boat going down the river Thames. We see a boat with a diver under the water.)

Brother: “What are they diving for?”

Grandfather: “I heard the captain say that they found a bomb from World War 2.”

Brother: “Why is there still a bomb there?”

Me: “When London was bombed, not all of them went off, so they just stayed there.”

Brother: “Is it like, one of those big ones they dropped on China?”

Me: “What…?”

Brother: “You know, one of those really big ones?”

Me: “Do you mean the atomic bombs that were dropped in Japan?”

Brother: “Yeah, those.”

Me: “So, you think that there is an unexploded atomic bomb in the middle of London, no one is panicking and they sent one diver to get it?”

Brother: “…Yes?”

Me: “How are we related?”

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The Car That Ate Up Dinner

, , , | Related | October 30, 2015

(My mom’s car is a little older and she has to work on it frequently. She’s just told us she has to do some quick fixing on it.)

Brother: “So we should not plan on you making dinner?”

Mother: “It’s just [a quick and easy thing to fix].”

Brother: “You never just fix one thing on your car. You go to do a five minute oil change and then end up spending four hours on about six other things to fix.”

(After spending a few seconds looking at my brother and thinking:)

Mother: “Yeah. Don’t count on me making dinner.”

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Baby-Sitting On A Time Bomb

, , , , | Related | July 29, 2015

(My mother is in town visiting my sister and me. My sister has a three-month-old boy, and while I love my nephew I have no plans to ever have children of my own. I am also the only person in my family who doesn’t use marijuana. This happens after I’ve gotten off my night shift and am spending “quality time” with my family.)

Sister: “Here, have some cookies.”

Me: *barely awake* “Thanks. Hey, these cookies don’t have weed in them, do they?”

Sister: “Nope!”


Sister: “Okay,[Boyfriend] and I are going to the store. You guys stay here.”

(She leaves with her boyfriend. As soon as she’s gone, my mother darts outside, pulling my brother after her.)

Me: *alarmed* “Wait, where are you going?”

Mom: “Oh, don’t worry; this will be good for you!”

(She leaves, and two things penetrate my sleep-fogged mind: 1) my sister lied about the cookies, and 2) I am alone with the baby. I start to panic a little. I can’t find my cell phone, and there are no clocks, so I set the microwave timer for 15 minutes and reset it every time it beeps. I march around the house to stay conscious, stopping periodically to make sure my nephew is still breathing. After at least 45 minutes, my sister returns.)

Sister: “Hello, feeling good yet? Wait, where’s Mom?”

Me: “…your baby’s still alive. I need to lie down and then I want to go home.”

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Slash That Off The List Of Insults

, | Related | May 25, 2015

(My brother and I are in my dad’s truck driving down the road. My brother is five and I am ten.)

Brother: “Hey, isn’t that where [Friend] lives?”

Me: *being jerky* “No, you idiot-slash-jerk. He doesn’t live there.”

Brother: *bows head, silent for a moment, then with all the hatred a five year old can muster, fists clenched on lap* “Nobody, but NOBODY calls. Me. Slash.”

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A Brush With Death

, , | Related | January 25, 2015

(We are on our way to my eighth grade graduation awards ceremony. I’m finishing up my make up and hair in the car. My little sister never brushes her hair, and I think she should more often because it is an amazing strawberry blonde.)

Me: “You know, you should brush your hair, because you know some people would kill for your hair.”

(My little sister turns around and looks me dead in the eye.)

Little Sister: “Kill who?”

(My older sister and I started laughing uncontrollably and now we always use that reference why our younger sister doesn’t brush her hair.)

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