Ain’t That The Bleeding Truth

, , | Related | January 5, 2017

(My sister and I are going down on a lift. It jolts slightly between floors and moments later my sister whispers in my ear.)

Sister: “I need a tampon!”

Me: “A tampon?”

Sister: “Did I stutter? Get me one!”

(I’m at a loss as to how I can make one magically appear, so I turn to the rest of the lift.)

Me: “ANYONE GOT A TAMPON?”

(My sister goes red in the face as two women look quizzically at me and then to my sister. One of them produces a single tampon from her handbag and hands it to her. The rest of the lift is relatively un-phased other than some smirking. My sister runs out and to the nearest toilet where I wait for her.)

Sister: *while coming out* “That was EMBARRASSING. Why would you do that?”

Me: “I’m a guy and we were in a lift. What else could I do?”

Sister: “I… I suppose you’re right. I guess I wasn’t thinking. Still embarrassing though!”

Me: *smirking* “Funny, too.”

(I still tease her about it from time to time.)

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Going Ape Over The New Baby

, , | Related | December 1, 2016

When my younger sister was born, my parents announced it with several banners throughout the house proclaiming “It’s a girl!,” including one on the nursery door. I was two, nearly three, so while I could recognize certain letters, I couldn’t read.

My mother found me standing on front of the nursery room door, staring at the banner with an intense look of concentration.

Why? Because I was convinced the sign said “It’s a gorilla!”

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Don’t Be A Sour Oedipus

, , , , , | Related | June 3, 2016

(It’s the Saturday before Mother’s Day. I’m at work texting my mom. Earlier that week for Mother’s Day, my brother wrote a poem for my mom comparing her to the sweet part of a cookie and my dad to the crumbling, burnt part.)

Mom: “[Brother] saw my [High School] senior picture today and looked dumbfounded. He says, ‘Mom, you were hot!’ He is on fire with Mom’s Day…”

Me: “And thus [Brother]’s Oedipus Complex emerges. Now he must repress his urges to kill Dad.”

Mom: “Well, that poem he wrote…”

Me: “He compares you to a sugar cookie and Dad to a crumbling, burnt one and thought you looked hot — hot as a teen. I think [Brother] has repressed urges to kill Dad and hook up with you. Oh, God, this is hilarious! Freud was right all along!”

Mom: “DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO [BROTHER]!”

Me: “Can I at least warn Dad of his impending death?”

(Later that day I showed my brother this text exchange. He thought it was hilarious.)


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Sadly You’re Still A Nuclear Family

, , , , | Related | May 3, 2016

(My brother, my grandfather and I have just gotten on a boat going down the river Thames. We see a boat with a diver under the water.)

Brother: “What are they diving for?”

Grandfather: “I heard the captain say that they found a bomb from World War 2.”

Brother: “Why is there still a bomb there?”

Me: “When London was bombed, not all of them went off, so they just stayed there.”

Brother: “Is it like, one of those big ones they dropped on China?”

Me: “What…?”

Brother: “You know, one of those really big ones?”

Me: “Do you mean the atomic bombs that were dropped in Japan?”

Brother: “Yeah, those.”

Me: “So, you think that there is an unexploded atomic bomb in the middle of London, no one is panicking and they sent one diver to get it?”

Brother: “…Yes?”

Me: “How are we related?”

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The Car That Ate Up Dinner

, , , | Related | October 30, 2015

(My mom’s car is a little older and she has to work on it frequently. She’s just told us she has to do some quick fixing on it.)

Brother: “So we should not plan on you making dinner?”

Mother: “It’s just [a quick and easy thing to fix].”

Brother: “You never just fix one thing on your car. You go to do a five minute oil change and then end up spending four hours on about six other things to fix.”

(After spending a few seconds looking at my brother and thinking:)

Mother: “Yeah. Don’t count on me making dinner.”

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