Please Tell Me You’re Kitten

, , , , | Related | July 27, 2017

Sister: *is petting the family cat*

Me: “He escaped outside earlier today, you know. I found him while I was mowing the lawn.”

Sister: “Did you get him back in?”

Me & Mom: *stares at Sister*

Mom: “No, [Sister], what you’re petting there is a hallucination.”

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Now You’ve Really Put Your Foot In It

, , , , | Related | July 24, 2017

(I have just gotten home from working a twelve hour shift and am about to lie down and go to sleep when my older sister barges in, screaming.)

Older Sister: “[My Name], get to the garden NOW! Mom and [Younger Sister] need your help!”

(Tired and confused, I walk outside and find my mom freaking out and my younger sister sitting on the hill beside the garden.)

Me: “Uh… what’s going on?”

Younger Sister: “My foot got stuck in a hole.”

(I look down, and sure enough her left leg is stuck in a muddy hole up to her knee.)

Me: “How did that happen?”

Younger Sister: “I think this was from where Dad tore down that old greenhouse.”

Mom: “CALL 911!”

(I shook my head and headed over the tool shed to grab a shovel. It took roughly ten minutes to dig my sister’s foot out, all while repeatedly telling my Mom “no, we do not need the fire department.” I was not going to cut off my sister’s foot with the shovel all while my older sister paced behind us nervously — and while my younger sister was laughing her head off.)

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That’s My Pun And I’m Sticking To It

, , , | Related | July 20, 2017

(When my family gets in the car, we hear a dragging sound on one side. My dad pulls over so I can check on it.)

Me: “There was a branch wedged in the wheel well. Don’t worry, I pulled it out.”

Sister: *looks me in the eye* “Stick shift.”

Dad: *loses it*

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A Hair-Raising Alarm Clock

, , , , | Related | July 18, 2017

(My sister is two years old. We’re playing in my room, and I’m pretending to be asleep.)

Sister: “Sissy! Wake up!”

Me: *fake snore*

Sister: *tousling my hair, trying to ‘wake’ me* “SISSY!”

Me: *fake snore*

Sister: *still messing up my hair* “SISSY! WAKE UP!” *pause* “YOUR HAIR IS A MESS!”

Me: *starts laughing hysterically* “Okay, I’m up! I’m up!”

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Painting The Room Ginger

, , | Related | July 14, 2017

(My parents are in the process of redoing the house. My brothers and I are responsible for painting our own rooms, and my mom thinks my choices aren’t girly enough for a “young lady’s room.” Note: The older of my two brothers is a redhead.)

Me: “So how dark can I paint my room?”

Mom: “Not too dark. A nice lavender?”

Me: “Or navy blue.”

Her: “Nothing too dark.”

Me: “How dark is too dark?”

Brother #2: “Not as dark as your soul.”

Me: “At least I have a soul…”

Brother #1: “HEY! Mom, she made another ginger joke!”

(I went with blue. My brother shaved his head, but his beard is still flaming red.)

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