When I was around seven years old, I was hospitalized and ended up staying in the hospital for a few days. On my second day, my brother (a year older than me) was left to “look after me” while the adults went down to the hospital cafeteria to get some food.

We found ourselves in one of the nursing stations and saw a Coke bottle inside their fridge.

Brother: “Oh, look. Those are for the patients!”

Me: “They are?”

Brother: “Yeah. You should drink it.”

Of course, I drank it without a second thought (soda was restricted in our household). Then my brother started laughing.

Brother: “Ha! I was kidding. That was one of the nurse’s Cokes! Now you’re a fugitive because you stole a Coke!”

Naive and gullible me believed him because, of course, I believed two lies from my older brother one after the other.

For the duration of my stay at the hospital, I was a pain to take care of because I would run away from any nurses or doctors, thinking I was about to get arrested. 

Later that afternoon, the nurse came by to check on me, and:

Nurse: “Where’s [My Name]?”

Mom: *Already exhausted.* “Hiding behind the door.”

Nurse: *Closes door to see me facing the wall, trying to hide.* “So he is? What are you doing back there, [My Name]?”

Mom: *Deep sigh.* “Trying to outrun the law.

I did laugh after, though, when my mom told me that she’d made my brother buy the nurses a six-pack of Coke cans out of his allowance as penance for his little prank.

My son is nine, and his six-year-old sister is getting sassy and sarcastic with him.

Son: “If I were you, [Sister’s Name], I’d shut up!”

My Husband: “Hey! [Son’s Name]! Don’t tell your sister to shut up!”

Son: “I didn’t tell her to shut up. I said if I were her, I would shut up.”

My husband tried to admonish him, but my son had chosen his words too carefully. Future lawyer, that one.

I’m a young adult living at home. One week, I decide to make shepherd’s pie to pack in my work lunches, so I make a batch and portion it out so I have one container for every workday. When I go to pack my lunch a few days later, I see that one container is missing.

Me: “Hey, [Brother]? Did you eat any shepherd’s pie?”

Brother: “Should I not have?”

Me: “Dude, those were for my work lunches.”

Brother: “Oh. Well, I rate it eight out of ten. Would steal on purpose next time.”

I’m planning to make more shepherd’s pie soon. I might have to keep it under lock and key!

One of our siblings has recently gotten a job at Disney World. We’re asking him all about his job and the secrets of how the park works.

Me: “What’s the stupidest question you’ve been asked by a guest?”

Disney World Sibling: “Nothing too bad so far. It’s a common joke among the staff that everyone who works there will be asked some form of the “What time is the 3 o’clock parade?” question. To get it is like a rite of passage.”

Me: “Ha. Oh yeah, I’ve heard that one is asked a lot. Classic.”

Dad: “Hmm, when you think about it, it’s not a stupid question.”

Me: “It’s not a stupid question to ask when the 3 o’clock parade starts?”

Dad: “I mean… it depends on where on Main Street you are. If you’re on the far end, the parade might start at 3:10.”

Me: “That’s… d***, that’s actually fair.”

We laughed and changed the subject.

A few days later:

Disney World Sibling: “3:05!”

Us: “Huh?”

Disney World Sibling: “I timed it. Main Street isn’t that long. The latest the 3 o’clock parade starts is 3:05.”

My lovely analytical family…

The family is out camping. We have a small camping trailer set up. Our two boys (eight and four) are off playing somewhere when I suddenly hear a loud SMACK, and the youngest starts crying. My wife has rushed over.

Wife: “[Youngest Son], you just ran headfirst into the camping trailer!”

Youngest Son: *Between sobs.* “[Older Brother] told me that if I believed hard enough, I could run at the trailer and God would remove it for me.”

Both my wife and I turn to glare at our eight-year-old, who looks a combination of proud and guilty.

Wife: “[Youngest Son], your brother will sometimes try to play pranks on you. Don’t always listen to him, okay?”

Youngest Son: “Okay.”

Wife: “So what have we learned from this?”

Youngest Son: “That there is no God.”

We both laughed. Except for our eight-year-old, who had to endure the entire camping weekend with no snacks or candy for punishment.