(My sister-in-law’s car dies. My brother texts me to let me know, but thanks to autocorrect, he sends me the following:)

Brother: “[Sister-In-Law]’s cat died yesterday. She traded it in for $100.”

Me: “I didn’t even know she had a cat. And why did someone give her cash for a dead cat?”

Brother: “Huh? What do you mean?”

(Pauses for a second and obviously looks at his other message.)

Brother: “Oh, no! Her car died, not her cat!”

(My friend’s younger brother is working on getting his First Communion.)

Friend: “If you pray hard enough, the host will taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

(The brother prays and prays every day up until his big day. When he comes up to receive the Sacrament, he starts weeping.)

Teacher: “Why are you crying?”

Brother: “I didn’t pray hard enough! The host doesn’t taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

(My mother and I are preparing to make plum jam while my dad and sister sit nearby. My dad is hard of hearing and we all have a twisted sense of humour.)

Mum: “That should be enough jars for the bottling.”

Dad: “Did you say, ‘bottoming’?”

Me: “Wrong containment vessel. We’re using glass, not a**.”

Sister: “Yeah, Dad. Plums, not bums.”

(I’m an asexual woman in my late twenties. My dad and stepmom have a six-year-old whom I don’t see much. We’re driving somewhere when, out of nowhere, he decides to start this conversation.)

Step-Brother: “Are you married?”

Me: “No.”

Step-Brother: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “No. I’m not interested in dating.”

Step-Brother: “You should get a boyfriend so he could do math for you.”

(I’ve been tutoring math at the high school and college level since before he was born, but sure, kid. I’ll change my sexuality, because that’s easier than keeping track of my own grocery budget.)

(My father just recently came out as a trans woman to my sister and me. We’re in our twenties and, though we are both cis women, occasionally we like to wear comfortable clothes that are branded as masculine. My father opens up her closet and proudly shows us all the hidden skirts, blouses, pumps, and handbags, while also allowing us to take anything we want from her masculine clothing. It’s worth noting that her current style, contrary to the clothes she wore while closeted, is very cheerful and bright.)

Father: “Now you can finally take all my shirts as pyjamas, [Sister]!”

Sister: *grabs huge stacks of clothing*

Father: “You have to be quick, [My Name], or she will take everything.”

Me: “Hmm, have you got any flannel shirts?”

Father: “Did you ever see me wearing flannel shirts?”

(I take my time looking at her blouse, flowers all over it, and bright pink skirt.)

Me: “That’s really no longer an argument.”

(We had a good laugh!)