(I’m making brownies, and my three-year-old little brother is helping. I measure the ingredients and he pours them in. For this particular recipe, you mix the cocoa, baking soda, oil, and water together before adding sugar.)

Brother: “It looks yummy! I’m gonna taste it!”

Me: “Don’t taste it yet. There’s no sugar in it. It’ll taste gross.”

Brother: “Nuh-uh! It’s chocolate; it’ll be yummy!”

(And to prove me wrong, he dips his finger in the incomplete batter and takes a big lick of it.)

Brother: “See, [My Name]? It’s yum—” *face slowly crumples in a grimace of disgust* “Ick!”

Me: *laughs* “Go get a drink of water, and then come back and help me add sugar.”

(I let him lick the bowl after we’d finished to help him forget the taste of sugarless cocoa. Sometimes a kid just has to learn things through experience, I suppose.)

(My sister and I both have the day off, and we’re in the living room of our apartment. I’m in the middle of an online game when there’s a knock at the door. My sister goes to answer the door and finds a pair of pest control workers.)

Sister: “Hey, how are you?”

Worker: “We’re good. We just came by to ask if you’ve had any issues with pests lately. We were told a few of the other apartments have these issues.”

Sister: “Well, we just have maybe two or three ladybugs here, but nothing major.”

Worker: “I see.”

Sister: “Actually, come to think of it, I do have one pest issue.”

Worker: “Oh, yeah? What is it?”

Sister: “It’s this giant lump on our couch.”

Me: “Screw you, [Sister].”

(The workers did a quick look around, chuckling the whole time, and left for the next apartment.)

(While waiting for the Novocaine to kick in, I overhear a hygienist talking to a girl and her older brother. Note: before this exchange, the hygienist asked the children’s ages. They are seven and ten.)

Hygienist: “So, how did you guys spend your two days off from school?”

Girl: “We had fun with Mommy and Daddy!”

Mom: “Yes, we spent time together at the library, shopped at the mall, and played video games together.”

Boy: “Mom, we don’t even have any video games.”

Mom: “Yes, [Boy], you do. You have a Wii-U, a Nintendo Switch, and you both have iPad minis with games on them. You have plenty of video games.”

Boy: *scoffs* “Well, we don’t have the games I want, so it doesn’t count.”

(My family is living in England. We’re Americans. My brother is playing on the swings when my mother calls him over.)

Mom: “[Brother]!”

(My brother ignores her, keeps playing.)

Mom: “[Brother]! Get over here!”

(My brother keeps playing.)

Mom: “[BROTHER], GET OVER HERE, NOW!”

(As brother finally stops playing and comes over, so does some random British man.)

Man: “Do you need something?”

Mom: “What? Oh, no. I was calling my son!”

Man: “Ah, I guess we have the same name!”

Mom: *bewildered* “I’m clearly a stranger to you; why did you come over?”

Man: “You called my name in the ‘Mom Voice’! You don’t ignore the ‘Mom Voice,’ no matter what nationality you are!”

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(I have three younger brothers, the youngest of whom is about seven. The oldest brother and I often babysit him, and we’ve gotten pretty used to it. He and the next oldest brother are known for bickering over having the hallway light on, since their door has glass and one of them can’t sleep with the light on. One night, I am putting my two youngest brothers to bed, and sure enough, they start bickering. Wanting to avoid a fight, I separate them, taking my youngest brother to my parents’ room. First, he insists on bringing his stuffed dinosaur. Then, he wants his coloring book and colored pencils. At this point, I am just desperate for him to lay down, so I agree. Just as he is getting situated, I realize that I have forgotten that my parents have a television in their room. My brother loves technology, and he has a basic understanding of how they work, so he knows that computer virus = bad. However, he’s a bit gullible. He isn’t supposed to be watching television, and I know I have to do something. This is what I come up with:)

Brother: “[My Name], I want to watch TV.”

Me: “I know, but you have to wait.”

Brother: “Why?”

Me: “Right now, the TV needs some maintenance. If you watch a TV show, you could download a virus. You have to wait.”

Brother: “But I want to watch TV!”

Me: “I’ll tell you what. I’ll go and check my phone to see how much longer the maintenance will take. I’ll let you know when it’s done.”

(He comes down twice, asking how much longer there is. I tell him that it is at 30%, and that it needs more time. Eventually he gets bored and goes back to his own bed, being careful not to wake his brother up. Within ten minutes, he is asleep. I tell my oldest brother that the little one has gone back to his own bed, and we proceed to watch a movie. A couple hours later, Mom and Dad come home. Hoping to avoid awkward conversations the next day, I tell them what I told my youngest brother. Dad gives Mom a look and says:)

Dad: “The Force is strong with this one.” *turns to my brother* “Bro, she did you a solid!”

(Mom and Dad were both laughing at this point, and I felt pretty good. I have a pretty good feeling that I’ll get paid well for that night’s work.)