Can’t Bear To Be Apart

, , , , | Related | July 31, 2013

(My dad uses some connections to reserve us an island to camp on in the Gulf of Mexico. The island is tiny, and we are the only people camping there. The largest animal on the island is probably a rabbit. I am eight, and my brother is three. The week we are there, low tide is around 11:00 pm, and my parents leave to go and look for shells. I’ve never been very good at sleeping, so I decide to follow after them. Eventually, they run into me on the beach.)

Dad: “[My Name], is that you?”

Me: “Yes, Daddy!”

Dad: “Do you know what time it is?”

Me: “Dark.”

Dad: “Yes. Why aren’t you asleep in the tent?”

Me: “There’s a bear attacking the tent. It scared me.”

Dad: “Baby, there aren’t any bears on the island. Why do you think there’s a bear attacking the tent?”

Me: “I heard it. It growled and banged on the wall.”

Mom: “Where’s your baby brother?

Me: “He was asleep already. I left him for the bear to eat.”

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The Hero The Avengers Needs, Not The One They Deserve

, , , | Related | July 25, 2013

(My 14-year-old sister walks in while I am looking up ‘Iron Man 3’ images online.)

Sister: “What are you looking at?”

Me: “Poster for the new Iron Man movie.”

Sister: “There’s another one?”

Me: “Yup.”

Sister: “Oh, my God! Is that Gwyneth Paltrow?! Is she, like, his wife?”

Me: “No, she’s his girlfriend in this movie.”

Sister: “So, what’s her superpower? Is that her costume?!”

(My sister points at a female Iron Man Halloween costume on the page.)

Sister: “They’re like twins!”

Me: “Please just stop.”

Sister: “So, is the Joker the bad guy again?”

Me: “No. That’s Batman. Go away.”

Sister: “Is Superman gonna show up and help him? They did that in The Avengers, right?”

Me: “What the… No. Just, stop. Please.”

Sister: “I hope they make the movies into a book. I’d read it.”

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A Niggle Over Nargles And A Snafu Over Snargles

, , , , , | Related | June 4, 2013

(My mom, dad, brother, and I are grilling for Memorial Day after spending the afternoon relaxing. This is my first nice dinner with them since getting home from college. I have been a Harry Potter fan for over a decade.)

Mom: “I was asleep for a while, but then I snored and woke myself up!”

Me: “You always do that!”

Dad: “Well, it’s really a snarfle. She could stay asleep if she snored; it’s the snarfles that get her.

Me: “Ugh, those snarfles. They’re probably related to the nargles. Nargles are nasty. They buzz around your head and get into your ears and—”

(My brother is staring.)

Me: “What? Don’t you read The Quibbler?”

Brother: “You just ruined the whole thing! It was just fine without the Harry Potter reference!”

(I throw my hands in the air.)

Me: “Thank you! At least you knew it was Harry Potter!”

Brother: “How could I not? I had to live with hearing every last tidbit about it for years!”

Me: “I suspect nargles.”

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Try And Litre Down Gently

, , , | Learning | April 2, 2013

(My sister is at school, struggling to grasp how to convert pints into litres.)

Teacher: “Milk cartons from the supermarket come with both litres and pints marked on the bottles, don’t they?”

Sister: “Yes.”

Teacher: “So when you got to the supermarket, which milk do you pick up?”

Sister: “Semi-skimmed?”

Teacher: *wide-eyed and at a loss for words*

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Shocking Mis-Apple-ications of History

, , , , , , | Related | March 12, 2013

(My sister and brother and I are doing homework together. My brother has been trying unsuccessfully for quite a while to remember who discovered gravity, with my sister and I refusing to help because his guesses have been so far from the target. It’s been a very long day, and we are all kind of out of it.)

Sister: “So, today we planned in history for a colonial town meeting simulation thing, and I got cast as John Adams!

Brother: “Oh, that’s who it is! John Adams discovered gravity!”

(My sister and I crack up.)

Sister: *not joking and completely serious* “No, of course it wasn’t John Adams, you dolt! Everyone knows it was Charles Darwin!”

Me: “Both of you are so off. It was Thomas Isaac— I mean Isaac Newton!”

Brother: “Thanks. But hey, at least I got their names right!”

Me: “Sorry, I was thinking about Thomas Edison at the same time.”

Sister: “You thought Thomas Edison discovered gravity?! Yeah, sure, he was out there flying his kite in the lightning storm and just thought of gravity.”

Me: *facepalm* “That was Benjamin Franklin who flew the kite.”

Brother: *deadpan, completely serious* “It doesn’t matter… they’re all presidents anyway!”

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