(My family and I have just moved into a new house and are unpacking. My mother gives me some outdoor lights to put on the pathway to the porch.)

Me: *looking at the stakes on the lights* “Hey, [Brother], are you a vampire?”

Brother: “No… Why?”

Me: “I don’t know… Maybe I have to make sure.” *mimes stabbing someone in the heart*

Brother: “I’m not a vampire!”

Me: “I have to be sure!”

Brother: “Go away!”

Me: “Mom, [Brother] won’t let me stab him!”

Mom: *distracted* “[Brother], let your brother stab you.”

(My sister and I both get puppies from the same litter and take care of them for each other. My sister’s dog has a talent to get into trouble and eat things — or roll around in them — that are not meant for dog consumption. He’s also a bit more on the sickly side, and often has troubles with indigestion. My sister is out with a friend after taking care of the dogs in the morning, when I call her.)

Me: “Did you know that Theo ate cat poop this morning?”

Sister: “I wasn’t really sure if he did. I thought he found something outside, but I didn’t know what. Sorry for not telling you to keep his tongue off your face, but… Wait.”

(A brief pause ensues, and I can practically hear her thinking.)

Sister: “How do you know he ate cat poop, exactly?”

Me: “Oh, I was just chilling on the sofa watching TV when he came up to me. I thought he wanted to cuddle and went to pick him up, but before I could even touch him he vomited up a completely intact pile of very warmed-up cat poop right next to my feet. Completely. Intact.”

Sister: *after a pause* “I’m so sorry. Did you manage to clean it up, or should I come home?”

Me: “Oh, no, I managed. I’m just really freaked out. I mean, I know he’s kind of famous for swallowing things whole, but that was just… disgusting. And impressive. But mostly disgusting, and kind of eerie. Also, I hate you, because he licked my whole face. Be glad I was too shocked to take a picture. I would have really ruined your coffee date. And now I’m going to shower, and whatever he eats in the ten minutes I’m gone is officially your problem to deal with, because I’m just done now.”

(This is many years ago, when my aunt is ten. She has just gotten her first ever glow stick, and is very excited to start playing with it. Her older sister, my Troublesome Aunt, has one, as well.)

Troublesome Aunt: “You have to crack it first to make it glow! Put it in your mouth and use your teeth to crack it.”

(My aunt enthusiastically cracked the glow stick, accidentally breaking it in half and getting the liquid in her mouth.)

Troublesome Aunt: “Oh, my God! Don’t swallow it! That stuff is toxic! If you swallow any, you’ll die!”

(My aunt sprints back to her house with her arms flailing and her mouth wide open, glowing bright green. After washing out her mouth, she rushes to her mother.)

Aunt: *crying hysterically* “I swallowed some! Mom, I’m going to die!”

Grandmother: “What in the world are you talking about? That stuff is non-toxic. Who in the world told you… [Troublesome Aunt]! Get over here now!”

(My Troublesome Aunt ran away laughing, and my aunt won’t go near glow sticks to this day.)

(It’s the early 2000s and I am in my early teens. My dad takes my two younger brothers and me on a vacation to Mammoth Cave. We go through a large section of the cave as the guide explains and shows us the formations and other cool things. We get to the last section of the tour, and the guide says that once we are done exploring we can go up the stairs and exit through a revolving doors and wait in the bus for the rest of the group. After a few more minutes we decide we have seen enough and start for the exit. We are the first people to leave the group, and once we get to the top of the stairs, we see the revolving door, as expected. My dad sees a button beside the door.)

Dad: “Oh, this must be for the revolving door.”

(He presses the button, and the door does not move.)

Dad: “Huh.”

(He pushes the button again. As he presses it the second time, I notice a light flicker on just above the door.)

Me: “Oh, it looks like it turns the light above the door off and on.”

Dad: “That’s strange.”

(We go out to the bus and my dad takes one of my brothers to the bathroom as we wait. While they are gone, other people start to trickle in. Each one loudly exclaims how crazy it was that the lights suddenly went out. My other brother and I freeze as we piece together what happened.)

Me: “We… might have been the ones that did that.”

(Once my dad and other brother got back, we filled them in on what we had done, as the bus was booming with chatter about the sudden blackout. We confessed to the tour guide — who was surprisingly calm — what we did. He then informed us that we had turned off one third of the lights to the entire cave system! Thank goodness we pushed it that second time!)

(My family is visiting Florida and we decide to go kayaking with a group. My brother and I pair up, with my brother at the back and me at the front. My brother is infamously lazy and is just sitting enjoying the scenery while I’m doing all the paddling.)

Me: “Are you doing any paddling back there? We’re barely moving!”

Brother: *lying* “Yep.”

Me: “No, you’re not! Quit lazing around and paddle!”

Guide: “Ooh, a crocodile!” *points*

(We all look over, except my brother, who’s still daydreaming. A huge crocodile just entered the water, and we’re closest to it! I panic since I watch a lot of nature programs and know how powerful they are, and start paddling away like a madwoman.)

Me: “Oh, my God! It’ll eat me!”

Brother: “Hey!”

(I looked over and saw that while I was paddling my end away, the boat turned a 180 so that my brother’s end was right next to the croc! At least my brother finally woke up and started paddling, and we were able to get away from the overgrown lizard. Then he accused me of trying to feed him to it!)

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