Blaming Everybody Except Self

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2018

(I’m working on the checkout. The shop is quiet and I’m just tidying a bit behind the counter when a customer walks up to the self-serve machine. After scanning a few items, the customer starts gesticulating wildly and muttering under his breath.)

Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “Why is it asking me about a bag? I don’t care about bags!”

Me: “Well, some customers use them, so it needs to ask so it can charge for them. If you’re not using one, so just hit zero and then enter.”

Customer: “Where do I do that?”

(I lean across to look at the screen and he’s still on the screen for scanning shopping.)

Me: “You need to press ‘finish and pay’ first.”

Customer: “I’ve literally tried that four times already.”

Me: “Well, let’s try it again and see if it works now.”

(It does. I walk him through the bag prompt again and go back to my till.)

Customer: “It’s just so impersonal! I hate the machines.”

(He keeps ranting as he walks towards the door, where he stops to complain to the security guard.)

Customer: “It’s just so impersonal! I’m never shopping here again!”

(He finally leaves.)

Me: “Next time, maybe, just walk up to my till?”

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I’m Calling The Police: No Joke

, , , , , , | Legal Right | November 18, 2018

(I am serving late on a Monday night when who I assume is the friend of the man I am currently serving comes up by the counter and stares me dead in the eyes and without emotion.)

Customer’s Friend: “This is an armed robbery.”

Me: *stunned and internally panicking since this has never happened before*

Customer’s Friend: *long silence*

Me: *still stunned*

Customer’s Friend: “Ha! It’s a joke!”

(Who the h*** thinks that’s a joke is beyond me. I don’t want to be in retail anymore.)

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Unfiltered Story #116460

, | Unfiltered | July 13, 2018

It’s the day before Father’s Day. A teenage giel comes to the counter.

“Excuse me, have you got any Leonard Skinner?”.

“Um, I’ve not heard of him, do you know any of his songs?”.

“Yeah, Sweet Home Alabama”.

Unfiltered Story #116458

, | Unfiltered | July 12, 2018

A man came to the counter one day. All his teeth were replaced with gold ones, but not in a blinging rapper way, they actually looked rubbish and too small for his head. This has nothing to do with the story, just colour.

Man: “Excuse me, is it true there’s a Bond film where the girl is a transexual?”.

Me (always happy to dispel an urban legend): “Well not exactly, that story does the rounds, but they do say that in For Your Eyes Only there’s a pool scene, and they do a pan of the area and one of the girls at the party there is supposed to be a transgender model. But none of the actual bond girls were.”

Man: “Have you got it in stock?”

Me: “Um, yeah probably…”

Man: “Do you have any other films about transexuals?…”.

This was about 10 years ago, and I don’t think everyone had heard of the Internet at this point.

Unfiltered Story #109699

, | Unfiltered | May 6, 2018

Me: Hi, would you like any bags today?
Customer: No thanks, I’m fine.

(I scan their first two items)

Customer: *completely deadpan* Can I have some bags please?