(I’m driving my a storage facility unit. The sign outside simply says this.)

Sign: “Storage Wars not filmed here.”

(In self-storage, a tenant is required to give notice BEFORE their due date. Every summer we get the students who store dorm stuff while they go back home.)

Tenant: “Hi, I’m closing out my storage today.”

Me: “Oh, let me pull you up… Did you schedule your move out?”

Tenant: “Uh… no.”

Me: “I’m afraid you’re eight days past your due date, and your automatic payment went through on your due date.”

(We specifically tell new tenants that they have to give notice, and if the payment is made there are absolutely no refunds… It’s printed in block letters on the lease they sign!)

Tenant: *now very upset* “Well, if you don’t refund my money RIGHT NOW, I’ll go on Yelp and give you a one-star review!”

Me: “Huh, see that bank of video feeds above me?” *points at our security system* “Well, they also record sound. What you just threatened is actually called EXTORTION. Would you like to call the police, or shall I do it for you?”

Tenant: “Uh… uh… I was just kidding, man…” *laughs nervously* “Everything’s okay; I’ll be leaving now!”

(Our camera system doesn’t record audio, and we got a five-star review from the kid!)

Customer: “Hi, I called earlier about getting a storage unit.”

Me: “Okay. What size were you looking for?”

Customer: “I don’t know. You told me on the phone.”

Me: “Hmm, well, there are 4-5 people in this office who answer the phone at any time. I don’t think I spoke to you.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, it was… hmm. I don’t remember.”

(I walk her outside the office into the parking lot and show her a painted grid on the ground that illustrates the different sizes. I take a long time explaining the different sizes, and how much each costs. She has a price/size list in her hand the whole time. She looks very confused but finally seems to understand and decides she wants a 10’x10’ storage unit. We go back to the office so we can do the paperwork.)

Customer: “Okay, so, 10’x10’ is the width?”

Me: “Well, 10’x10’ means the space is ten feet wide and ten feet long.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “The grid you just looked at painted on the ground shows only the footprint of the storage unit.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “The illustration grid painted on the ground does not show the third dimension, which is height. The ceiling is about 8 feet high.”

Customer: *blank stare* “So… I can stack things UP?” *she looks excited*

Me: “Yes. You are not renting a two-dimensional space.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “You are not renting a parking space. You are going to be renting a three-dimensional storage space.”

(I gesture with my hands to make the shape of a three-dimensional box.)

Customer: “This is so confusing!”

(A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a trouble-making customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

Customer: “Hi. I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

(The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck, then stops by the office.)

Customer: “All right, I moved everything out of my storage.”

Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

This story is part of the Customer Complaints That Resolve Themselves roundup!

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