Please Tell Me This Is A Knock-Knock Joke

, , , , , | Right | July 15, 2019

(The company I work for was recently contracted to provide security for an apartment building in a low-income area. The managing company has had a real problem with trespassers and illicit activities. Visitors must come to the desk and tell the guard on duty who they wish to visit. The guard then calls the tenant for permission to let the guest past the lobby. No answer? No entry.)

Me: *after getting the visitor’s name* “Who are you here to see?”

Visitor: “[Tenant].”

(I look up the tenant’s phone number and call. The phone rings. And rings. And rings.)

Me: “[Tenant] isn’t available.”

Visitor: “Can I go up and knock?”

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Dropped The Notes, And The Ball

, , , , , , | Legal | July 7, 2019

(I work as a security guard at a large retail chain. One day, I am standing at the front door with a colleague when a customer comes up to us.)

Customer: “Excuse me. My daughter just dropped two £10 notes and the guy behind us has lifted them.”

Me: “Did you see him pick them up?”

Customer: “Well, my daughter dropped the notes and turned around, and he was picking something up and claimed it was a handkerchief. But I know it was her money. Can you do anything?”

Me: “I don’t know if there is anything we can do because we didn’t see it ourselves; we only have your word for it. We will call the manager.”

(My colleague calls the manager and explains the situation.)

Colleague: “The manager isn’t sure what to do. He is going to phone another manager and then call us back.”

(While we wait for the manager to call back, the customer who is suspected of taking the money pays for his items and leaves the store.)

Customer: “I’m going to go and speak to him; I am not happy that he can do this to my daughter.”

(I take control of the camera to watch the customers outside the store while my colleague stands at the door, in case the situation becomes violent. As I watch the situation, the mother approaches the customer and they speak. The customer then hands the mother something and walks away. I see that it is two £10 notes. She re-enters the store and hands the money to her daughter.)

Me: “What happened there?”

Customer: “Oh, I just told him that security had him on camera taking the money. I know you didn’t, but he didn’t know that.”

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Sometimes You Can’t Beat The Old Guard

, , , , , , , , | Working | July 5, 2019

(My husband and I own a pub. While I am away interstate visiting family, a new security guard is hired. His job is mainly to check IDs and keep out or remove drunk people. Upon returning, I stop by to see my husband.)

Me: “Hi! You must be the new guard.”

Guard: “You can’t come in.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guard: “You’re pissed; you can’t come in.”

Me: “What? I haven’t even had a drink.”

Guard: “Bulls***. I can smell it on you. Now, leave before I call the cops.”

Me: “Look here. I don’t think you realize—“

Guard: “Are you deaf, as well as fat and ugly?! You’re not coming in. Now, waddle off before I call the cops.”

Me: “Listen here. Get [Husband] out here now!

Guard: “You really are as stupid as you are fugly. F*** off or I’m calling the cops.”

(I pull out my phone and call the pub, as my husband would not likely answer his mobile.)

Husband: “[Pub], [Husband] speaking. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hey, babe, it’s me. The new guard isn’t letting me in. Can you come out, please?”

Guard: “Your pathetic little boyfriend isn’t going to get you in. I say who comes in, and a fat, ugly piece of s*** like you is not getting in. Now, f*** off before I kick both you and your boyfriend’s a**es.”

(My husband is still on the other end of the phone and hears everything. He and the other guard, who is working inside, come rushing out.)

Husband: “[Guard], what the h*** do you think you’re doing?”

Guard: “This woman is drunk and refuses to leave. I’m about to call the police.”

Husband: “No, you’re refusing to let a sober woman in, who also happens to be my wife and an owner of this pub. [Other Guard] will get your stuff; you’re banned from here for life.”

Guard: “But, but… I didn’t know she was your wife. That’s not fair!”

Husband: *now practically shaking with anger* ”It doesn’t matter if it’s my wife or another patron; you should never speak to anyone the way you just did. You’re lucky she hasn’t kicked your a** for it. Now, I suggest you apologize before she does or calls the cops for threatening her.”

Guard: “Umm… I’m sorry. Please don’t fire me.”

Husband: “Too late. You’ll be lucky to get another job after this gets out. You need to get off our property. Go to your car and [Other Guard] will bring out your stuff. You’re hereby banned from here.”

(The guard walked to his car while calling me various names and yelling how this was all my fault. Over the next week, he kept ringing the pub and when I’d answer he’d threaten me. Also, my windshield was smashed, the side of my car was keyed, and my tires were slashed — all caught on the CCTV cameras. Eventually, he was charged with malicious damage and making death threats. He was sentenced to eight months in jail and lost his security license.)

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They Probably Think You’re Drunk On Power

, , , , , , | Working | June 19, 2019

(I have just started a front desk job at a hotel. I’m working with a senior front desk associate and a maintenance man who is meant to double as security. Late one night, I hear screaming coming from around the corner and there are sounds of violence. My coworker is positioned to see around the corner, and when the noises stop she turns to me.)

Coworker: *wide-eyed* “That lady just threw her phone at her husband and started clawing him in the face before full-on decking him. Right in front of her four-year-old kid! No wonder they cut her off at the bar, if she’s that kind of drunk.”

Me: “Shouldn’t we do something about that? Like call security or something? I mean, if they have a little kid with them, the kid could be in danger.”

Coworker: “I mean, if you want to get involved, you can. Security probably won’t care since they’re in their room now.”

(I decide to call security out of concern for the child.)

Security: “If they’re in their room, there’s nothing I can do.”

Me: “Can’t you go up there and see if everything’s all right?”

Security: “If you’re really that concerned, you can call the police, but it’s not my problem.”

(I call up my supervisor who tells me to go ahead and call the police. The police arrive quickly, go up to the room, and almost instantly come back with the woman in handcuffs. It turns out the dad was visibly wounded and the child was wailing in a corner. The next day, I get a call from the hotel manager.)

Manager: “I heard you called the police on a guest last night?”

Me: “Yes, I did.” *explains story*

Manager: “Well, in the future, I would like you to call security or a supervisor first. The woman who was arrested does very good business with us and left a very good review. We need that kind of repeat guest.”

Me: “I asked my coworker, I called security, and I called a supervisor. My coworker and security wouldn’t help, and my supervisor said to call the police! She was abusing her husband in front of their child!”

Manager: “Your coworker, security, and the supervisor all say they were not involved in the situation. Besides, she was just drunk. She just needed to work it out and everything would have been fine.”

(I didn’t stay there long. I am still fuming as I write this years later. I don’t care how good of a customer someone is; that does not excuse abuse!)

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Parking And Wreck-reation

, , , , , , | Right | April 24, 2019

(I work security at a condo building. The building has several levels of parking for the residents who live there. One parking level also includes a section of guest parking. One night, a group of men and women in their late 20s or early 30s stops by the front desk.)

Guests: “Where is guest parking?”

(I point them in the direction of guest parking and continue monitoring the front desk. About a minute later, this group returns to the front desk.)

Guests: “Where is the real guest parking?”

Me: “I already showed it to you.”

Guests: “You’re lying! We parked our car in guest parking and it’s not there! Where is the real guest parking?”

(I know there is only one section of guest parking, so I know these people are confused. I decide to take a different approach.)

Me: “Who are you guys visiting?”

Guests: “[Person] in [unit].”

(I look for their host’s assigned parking spot and realize that is visible on one of the cameras in the parking ramps. I review that camera and vividly see these guests and their host getting out of a minivan several hours earlier. This is allowed in the building. Now I know that their vehicle is parked in a ramp that is different than guest parking.)

Me: “I know where your car is parked; please follow me.”

(The guests follow me to the correct parking level, and as soon as we walk from the elevator lobby into the ramp:)

Guests: “This is not where our car is parked!”

(We are at least 100 feet from the vehicle, so I tell them to just keep following me. As soon as we get to the minivan, the men respond.)

Guests: “May you have seven [women] tonight.”

(I did not respond, but I made sure they left the parking garage safely.)

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