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Crying Wolf Will Make You Cry

| Working | June 25, 2014

(At my site, security guards work in pairs. On this day both of us have our personal computers out, which is against the rules, but a pretty common thing for all of us when the building is empty.)

Coworker: “Oh, ****, [Supervisor] is coming!”

(He pretends to scramble to put his computer away. I actually believe him and end up losing my work from unplugging my computer while hiding it.)

Coworker: “Just kidding! You should have seen your face. It was priceless!”

(I get my computer back out and about 20 minutes later actually do see our supervisor approaching the office on the CCTV.)

Me: “[Supervisor]’s here!”

(I actually scramble to get my computer hidden. My coworker thinks I’m paying him back for his prank and just laughs.)

Coworker: “Yeah, right. You’re gonna have to try harder than—”

Supervisor: *opening door* “What’s so funny? And don’t you know you’re not supposed to use your personal devices at work?”

Has A False Sense Of Security

| Right | April 27, 2014

(I work outside of an ATM at night. I drive a company vehicle with the word SECURITY and the company phone number on both sides. One night a woman pulls up to the ATM. She sits in her car for a few minutes, and I can’t see through the tinted windows. Eventually the door flies open, and she runs as fast as she can into the small room where the ATM is. I can’t actually see the ATM or what she’s doing until she comes back to the door, but she comes to the door, leans against it, and watches me intently. I don’t do anything, but I know where this is going. After a few minutes and realizing I don’t want to waste the police’s time, I move the car to a parking spot (passing the bank door so she can see the side of the car), and get out of the car. As soon as I open the car door, she bolts as fast as she can from the bank into her car. Then she rolls down the window an inch, sees me (in a security uniform, with a badge on it) and screams:)

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHY YOU’RE WATCHING ME, BUT I’M GOING TO CALL THE NUMBER ON THE SIDE OF YOUR CAR AND GET YOU ARRESTED! CREEPY PERSON SITTING OUTSIDE THE BANK! DON’T FOLLOW ME!”

(I never heard anything more about this incident, so she must not have called, but I can’t understand how she saw the number, but not the SECURITY written right above it.)

A Listening Ear Can Switch Gear

| Right | April 9, 2014

(I am a security guard for a company unaffiliated with the business I provide security for. I literally sit in a shack and sign reps from other companies in and out of the complex. I am way over-qualified for this position, but it is perfect for going to school.)

Me: “Morning, sir. What brings you to [Company]?”

Customer: “MY DAD DIED TWO YEARS AGO AND THEY WON’T TRANSFER THE OWNERSHIP OF THE BILLS TO ME!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Here is where you have to go.” *gives site name directions and what to do and say*

Customer: “Ugh! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT I DROVE TWO HOURS TO THIS LOCATION JUST TO BE TOLD THAT I’M WRONG!?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO CUSTOMER SERVICE IN THE WORLD!? I WANT YOU TO TRANSFER MY BILLS TO ME!”

Me: “Not my problem, sir. I don’t work for [Company]. I just provide security from customers like you.”

Customer: “GAH! *slams his sports car into reverse and leaves pretty thick black lines in the concrete* “D*** IT!”

(Hours later, the guy came back with coffee and some sandwiches, parked in front of the shack, apologized profusely, and told me about recent events: cheating wife, ungrateful daughter, and a recent suicide by his mother. I listened and give him my number and told him to call whenever he needed a friendly ear. He calls once a month.)

Putting The Scent Into Ascents

, | Right | March 19, 2014

(The x-ray operator sends me to search for an oversized liquid in a passenger’s carry-on. She does the search required and finds an unopened bottle of 185 ml perfume.)

Coworker: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this liquid is over the size limit and cannot go past this point.”

Passenger: “That is not a liquid.”

Coworker: “What is it, then?”

Passenger: “It’s a scent.”


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He’s Fully Armed

, | Right | March 19, 2014

(I am watching the walk-through metal detector when two teenagers line up to walk through. The first walks through. It doesn’t alarm and he gets excited. Then the second boy walks through…)

Me: “Okay, walk through.”

(The teenager walks through timidly then stops and stares at me.)

Me: “You’re good to go.”

(He then looks at his arms in astonishment.)

Teenager: “Wow, I’m surprised these guns didn’t set it off!”