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Only Listening To Some Random Words

, , , | Right | November 11, 2009

(I work airport security. The metal detectors choose random people for additional screening. On the screen, it will tell us if it’s an actual alarm or random. The alert beep sounds almost identical to the metal alarm one. A lady walks through and the machine chooses her for random screening.)

Me: “Hello, bonjour, miss. You’ve been chosen for additional screening.”

Lady: *not listening* “Oh, I don’t think I have any metal.”

Me: “No, the metal detector chose you for random screening.”

Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t think it’s my shoes; I’ve worn them through before.”

Me: “No, it’s random.”

Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t have anything in my pockets.”

Me: “It’s random selection.”

Lady: “Maybe if I try—” *suddenly stops, clueing in* “Oh! Maybe if I listened; I’d like the scanner, please!”

More Cars Than Common Sense

, , , , , | Right | September 1, 2009

(I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

(I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

(After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

(They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”


This story is part of our bad driver roundup!

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A Tasty Threat

, , , | Right | February 3, 2009

(At the security checkpoint, I observed a man walking up to the checkpoint with his luggage and a Tupperware container full of soup.)

Agent: “Sir, you can’t take that beyond this point.”

Customer: “But it’s my soup!”

Agent: “Sir, you can’t take a container bigger than three ounces.”

Customer: “But it’s my soup!

Agent: “I’m sorry, but you either have to eat it here or throw it away.”

Customer: “But… it’s delicious food!”

Spoiled

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2008

(On the Saturday night of a weekend-long fan-based media convention, we hold a dance for the attendees. A mother comes up to the security office and voices a complaint.)

Mother: “The music is too loud and it’s running too late. I want it shut down.”

Me: “Ma’am, our dance is scheduled until 5:00 am, and we are not disturbing any other events.”

Mother: “Well, there are kids are in there and if this thing is for kids, then there should not be a dance!”

Me: “Yes, this convention is an all-ages event, but the dance is one of our most popular events and we have no intention of shutting it down.”

Mother: “Well, I’m the customer and I’m always right! You should do what I say and shut the dance down! Where is your supervisor? I’ll get him over to shut the dance down.”

Chairman: “Ma’am, what is the problem?”

Mother: “I want you to shut the dance down! There are kids here and they should not be in a dance at this time of night! And this man is not helping. Make him shut the dance down!”

Chairman: “The dance is one of our biggest events. Closing it down would disappoint thousands of our attendees who look forward to it each year.”

Mother: “THIS IS NOT FAIR! I WANT THE D*** DANCE SHUT DOWN AND I WANT IT SHUT DOWN NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, raising your voice will not help your case. Please calm down.”

(I figure that there is something else going on, and offer her a seat and a glass of water. She sits down calms down a bit.)

Me: “Is there something else going on?”

Mother: “My daughter sneaked out of our hotel room and I know she’s in the dance. I went in there and I couldn’t find her.”

Me: “Is that all? So you wanted us to shut the entire dance down, just to get your daughter out?”

Mother: *timidly* “Yes…”

Me: “Did you actually think that we would do it?”

Mother: “Yes…”

Me: “Why?”

Mother: “Because I always get my way!”


This story is part of our Dancing roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

22 Fun Stories About Musical Theater That Will Have You Dancing In The Aisles!

 

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Resistance Is Futile

, , , | Right | May 17, 2008

(A woman is filling out a library card application.)

Librarian: “Ma’am, I need your middle name, as well.”

Woman: “Why?”

Librarian: “We have a lot of duplicate entries, so we’re required to ask for middle names now.”

Woman: “I don’t want to give you my middle name.”

Librarian: “Ma’am, I already have your social security number. Giving me your middle name won’t hurt.”


This story is part of our Identity Theft roundup!

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