My friend’s mum is a customs officer in a large British international airport. Customs officers are the ones who check your bags for prohibited items and things you need to pay import tax on.

A few years ago, she was on duty when a famous singer came through customs. She stopped him. No special allowance is given to famous people, and some of them get caught with drugs.

Singer: “Do you know who I am?”

My friend’s mum actually did know.

Mum: “No. I don’t. Do you know who I am?”

The singer was stumped by this question, and his confusion showed on his face.

Mum: “I am the officer who will arrest you if you don’t cooperate.”

The singer wisely chose to cooperate.

I work in security, and I am a gate guard for a public-owned outdoor entertainment area. While I’m waiting there, a man walks past taking his young son — three or four — to daycare.

Man: “Boys don’t cry, [Son]. Only girls do.” *Sees me and addresses me* “Isn’t that right?”

Me: “Actually, boys can cry. Only really strong men and boys cry; it’s weak men that think only girls do. If you cry, it’s because you are a strong boy.”

The man goes red in the face, hurries to the daycare down the road, and then comes back to yell at me. I turn around and point out:

Me: “I’m a female in the role of a male. I’m doing a ‘man’s’ job. And you are a chauvinist pig to teach your son such toxic masculinity.”

Man: “Well, I’m French and that is our culture.”

Me: “This is New Zealand and it is not our culture.”

A few years ago, I was working as tech support for a security system company.

Me: “Tech support, this is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Customer: “I was just looking to get help with setting up my cameras.”

Me: “I would definitely be happy to help. First, you are going to need to go to the camera and press and hold the WPS button until the LED is flashing blue.”

Customer: “Okay, the little light is flashing.”

Me: “Okay. Now I need you to go to your router and press and hold the button for three seconds.”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your router — it’s the box for your Internet.”

Customer: “But I ordered the Wi-Fi.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I ordered the Wi-Fi; this system was supposed to have Wi-Fi.”

Me: *Facepalm* “Yes, the system is Wi-Fi capable, but you need to have Internet for it to work.”

Customer: “But is supposed to have Wi-Fi; that’s what I paid for.”

We go back and forth like this for a few minutes

Me: “Ma’am, you will need to get Internet for the cameras to work.”

Customer: “Then I just want to send them back.”

Me: “Sure thing. I will mail you a return label and you can send them back in the same box.”

Customer: “And could you cancel the Wi-Fi?”

Me: *Facepalm* “Yes, I’ll cancel the Wi-Fi.”

Customer: “Thank you.” *Click*

Me: *Long sigh*

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 43
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 42
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 41
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 40
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 39

I’m a security guard in my office with the door closed. As is standard for this sort of job, there are windows all around, so anyone can see in and I can see out. I’ve just had a new employee show up and she is currently waiting in the hallway outside of my office for her supervisor to show up and show her around. We’re both wearing masks, as is required here due to the ongoing health crisis.

Well, I end up sneezing and I sneeze LOUD. I do cover it in my arm and all that, and I go to clean up with sanitizer out of habit. The next thing I know, the new employee has burst through the door into my office and started shrieking at me about how I’m going to give her “the rona”. I’m pretty dumbfounded by this and just sit there and stare at her while she’s basically throwing a tantrum, yelling things like how dare I put her at risk (by sneezing in a closed room well away from her whilst wearing a mask) and how she’s going to get me fired for endangering people. 

Karma happens then, as her supervisor finally shows up shortly after and apparently watches for a bit. Once she has seen enough, the supervisor approaches.

Supervisor: “Excuse me. Are you [Employee]?”

Employee: “Yeah!”

Supervisor: “And today’s your first day?”

Employee: “Uh-huh!”

Supervisor: “Wrong. I’m going to go file the termination paperwork in a little bit. Right now I’m seeing that you’re off the property immediately!”

And just like that, she was marched off the grounds. I’m glad that we didn’t have to deal with that particular bit of crazy for long. I can’t imagine how bad things would have been if she had exploded at someone like that on the factory floor.

Me: “All right, ma’am, to reset your password, we’re going to need to go through your security questions.”

Client: “All right, go ahead.”

Me: “First question: what is the name of the street your first home was on?”

Client: “How dare you demand I have to answer security questions?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you, this is all standard pro— Oh.”

Client: “It’s the answer to the question.”

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “Yeah, your bank lets people create these questions when they’re still teenagers and I thought it was funny at the time. Sorry about that.”

Me: “That’s all right. Do you want to change any of these questions once we’re done?”

Client: “Honestly, I think that they’re more secure this way. I want to leave ’em.”

And although it triggers the PTSD of anyone in any call centre ever… fair enough.