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Putting The Scent Into Ascents

, | Right | March 19, 2014

(The x-ray operator sends me to search for an oversized liquid in a passenger’s carry-on. She does the search required and finds an unopened bottle of 185 ml perfume.)

Coworker: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this liquid is over the size limit and cannot go past this point.”

Passenger: “That is not a liquid.”

Coworker: “What is it, then?”

Passenger: “It’s a scent.”

This story is part of our Fragrance roundup!

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Read the Fragrance roundup!

He’s Fully Armed

, | Right | March 19, 2014

(I am watching the walk-through metal detector when two teenagers line up to walk through. The first walks through. It doesn’t alarm and he gets excited. Then the second boy walks through…)

Me: “Okay, walk through.”

(The teenager walks through timidly then stops and stares at me.)

Me: “You’re good to go.”

(He then looks at his arms in astonishment.)

Teenager: “Wow, I’m surprised these guns didn’t set it off!”

Don’t Hold Him To It

, | Working | December 24, 2013

(The lights in the restroom have failed. I call mall security to let someone know.)

Me: “Hi, I’m calling because the lights in the men’s room outside [Store] have failed.”

Security: “Ah. Thanks for letting us know. Please hold.” *to someone else* “HEY! Bulb’s blown in the s***in’-room by [Store]! Get one of the maintenance sons-of-b****es down there ASAP!” *to me* “Hi. Thanks for hold… Uh. We’re going to pretend that we live in a universe where I hit ‘hold’ instead of ‘speakerphone.’ Okay?”

Maybe They Should Just Call It A Day

| Working | December 2, 2013

(I work security at a local college. I am currently in what is supposed to be a twelve-hour shift, but daylight saving time has rolled back one hour and made the shift thirteen hours. Coworker #1 and I have just returned to the dispatch after doing a check of the school very early in the morning. Coworker #1 also happens to be a Native American.)

Coworker #1: “Well, that was depressing.”

Coworker #2: “What?”

Me: “We were just in the gymnasium. The clock on the scoreboard hasn’t rolled back automatically. So it told us we were an hour away from our shift’s end, when we are actually two.”

Coworker #2: “Daylight saving is stupid.”

Coworker #1: “I just remember what my elders had said when told about it. ‘Only the white man’s government could believe cutting the top off a blanket and sewing it to the bottom would make the blanket longer.'”

Coworker #2: “Wouldn’t it? I mean now you have those extra stitches in there, blanket might be a bit heavier.”

(The two go back and forth a bit before I speak up again.)

Me: “You do realize that regardless of the blanket’s length, our shift is still 13 hours.”

Coworker #1: “F*** crochet.”

This story is part of our Native-American roundup.

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Try And See It Through His Author-Eyes

| Working | August 26, 2013

(I’m calling the security company who responds when an alarm goes off at my workplace. They apparently have had some trouble getting in to our building, and I’ve checked their keys to make sure they fit.)

Me: “Hi, I’m [my name] with [company]. My security code is [code]. I’m calling about the keys to our building; you’d apparently had some trouble getting in a couple of weeks ago.”

Security Guard: “Okay. Well I can’t give you any information about that, because you don’t have the proper authorization code.”

Me: “I know; I don’t need information. We had a couple of false alarms here, and the guards said the keys didn’t work, so we brought the keys back to make sure they fit the locks. I’m calling to tell you that the keys are fine.”

Security Guard: “I can’t give you that information.”

Me: “I don’t need information; I already know what happened and what’s going on. I just—”

Security Guard: “Well, I can’t confirm anything about the keys. You’re not authorized.”

Me: “You don’t need to tell me anything, as I already know what’s going on, and am touching the keys right now. They are in my hand.”

Security Guard: “I really can’t give you any information because you’re not authorized.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. I know what happened. I just called to tell you that the keys work just fine, and someone from here will drop them off at your office this week.”

Security Guard: “Oh. Just make sure you send someone with the proper authorization!”