What A Sheety Thing To Do

, , , , , | Romantic | January 21, 2018

(I’m sitting on my bed when my dad sits next to me.)

Dad: “When your mother gave birth to you, do you want to know the first thing she said to me?”

Me: “No?”

Dad: *continuing anyway* “She said, ‘CHANGE THE SHEETS, YOU B******; I’M BIRTHING YOUR CHILD!’”

Mom: *from the next room* “And what did we come home to? Dirty sheets! That’s what!”

Laughter Is The Best Drug

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 20, 2018

(Several years ago, I had an accident that required a skin graft on a knuckle. Present day: I hit my hand while working, causing the skin graft to split open, meaning I need stitches. I get to the hospital at about 4:30 pm, and it is PACKED. It is almost 2:00 in the morning before the doctor can even have a look at me.)

Doctor: “Yeah, you will need stitches, so I’m going to give you some novocaine to numb your finger up. We’ll give it 15 minutes to take effect, and get started.”

Me: “Don’t worry about that. It is a skin graft. You would need to poke me where I can feel it, to numb me up where I already can’t feel anything. Just sew it up, please.”

(The doctor agrees, gets a nurse to bring in the kit and hand him stuff, and starts stitching. I can’t feel a thing. After a few minutes, the nurse leans over and asks:)

Nurse: “So, is the novocaine still working?”

(In my defence, I am tired and incredibly bored, so I just look up with a horrified expression and say:)

Me: “I NEVER GOT ANY!”

(The nurse’s eyes almost pop out, and she is ready to flip out. The doctor just looks up at me and says:)

Doctor: “Oh, shut up, you baby.”

(Sorry, nurse, but the doc and I got a good laugh, at least.)

How To Be A Stain In The Neck

, , , , , , | Right | January 19, 2018

(I always go to one particular local dry cleaner, because it’s run by an older lady with an amazing personality, and I often get into hilarious conversations with her when I drop off clothes. This is a story she relates to me about some of her other customers.)

Customer: *over the phone* “Yes, hello. How do I get this stain out of my shirt?”

Cleaner: “Well, if you bring the shirt in, I would be happy to clean it for you.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t need you bring it in; it’s just the one stain, so you can just tell me how to clean it.”

Cleaner: *thinking, “that’s not how a dry cleaner works”* “Okay, I’ll try… What kind of fabric is the shirt?”

Customer: *impatient sigh* “It’s my favorite dress shirt!”

Cleaner: “Uh, okay… What kind of stain is it?”

Customer: “You’re supposed to be the expert, here! Why can’t you tell me anything?!”

Cleaner: “I just need to know—”

Customer: “No! I’m the one asking the questions, here! What is your problem?!”

Cleaner: “The problem is that I just don’t know how you expect me to see your shirt down the phone. Good luck with your stain!”

Unfiltered Story #103656

, , , | Unfiltered | January 15, 2018

Customer: “Is [Stylist] available on Friday for a cut?

Me: “Yes, she has 5 pm available Friday for a haircut.”

Customer: “Great! So what time would that be?”

Me: “5pm…”

Hopes And Dreams Are Good At Self-Flushing

, , , , | Working | January 10, 2018

(I am at an acrobatics fitness center where the staff members have a fun and funky sense of humor. I find this sign posted in the restroom.)

Sign: “Please do not flush the following down the toilet: paper towels, feminine products, q-tips, puppies and kittens, spare prosthetic limbs, hopes and dreams.”