PAIN! The New Fragrance

, , , , , , | Right | April 12, 2019

(I work at a small clothing boutique that also sells small gift items. One of our best sellers is key chain pepper spray canisters that are bedazzled. I get many stupid questions about them such as, “Does this actually work?” “Have you tried it before?” “Well, WHY haven’t you tried it?!”.)

Customer: “These little canisters are so cute! I wish they had perfume in it, though.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, that would be cool. It’s always smart to carry pepper spray, though!”

Customer: “Yeah, but I wish it was perfume. Do you have any with perfume, instead?”

Me: “Um… no. Unfortunately not.”

Customer: “Well, can I buy an empty canister from you so I can fill it myself?”

Me: “Oh, we don’t make it here. We are sent all of our items already packaged. I don’t have any empty ones.”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. I’ll just empty it at home and refill it with perfume. My daughter loves spraying my perfume, so I can give her this so she has her own! She just loves sparkles!”  

Me: “I strongly advise you not to do that. You shouldn’t mess around with pepper spray canisters. You also don’t want to take the chance of not getting it all out resulting in your daughter hurting herself.”

Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about! You need to learn about your products more! I’m buying this for my daughter right now so she can have a matching perfume with me!”

Scraping Through The Allergies

, , , , , , | Right | April 11, 2019

(I work at a popular coffee chain that offers many non-dairy milk options. We always ask customers if they still want whipped cream when ordering a non-dairy milk drink that usually comes with it. I am making the drinks and receive an order for a soy latte that calls for whipped cream on top. I decide to double check with the customer to make sure that’s what they want.)

Me: “Hi! Did you have the soy latte?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. The recipe calls for whipped cream; did you still want that?”

Customer: “Well, duh! Why wouldn’t I?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I always like to double check when I make drinks with non-dairy milk.” *hands out the drink with whipped cream*

Customer: “There isn’t dairy in this is there?”

Me: “In the whipped cream? Yes. Whipped cream has dairy.”

Customer: “Are you trying to kill me?! I’m deathly allergic! Take it off!”

Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll just remake it for you. If you’re deathly allergic I don’t want to take any chances.”

Customer: “No! I don’t have time for that! Just give it to me! I’ll scrape it off!”

(Guess who received a customer complaint later that day?)

Putting The Cold Into Cold Hard Cash

, , , , , | Right | April 4, 2019

While I am working at a gas station, a customer pulls up to the pumps and then comes inside. He wanders around for a moment and eventually grabs an ice cream cone from the cooler. He unwraps it and starts eating it as he heads to the register, ripping off the entire ice cream top in one go.

Then he seems to realize his mistake, as he can’t coherently communicate with ice cream in his mouth. His solution?

He spits the ice cream into his hand, asks for $10 on his pump, puts the ice cream back in his mouth, and proceeds to pay for the order in cash… with the hand that was holding the ice cream glob.

As you might imagine, the cashier is less than enthused to take the money and makes a beeline for the bathroom to wash his hands immediately after completing the transaction.

Almost Foaming At The Mouth

, , , , , | Right | April 3, 2019

(I am making drinks and handing them out at a popular coffee shop. I am working on a cappuccino with extra foam when my coworker comes up beside me. Steaming milk to create extra foam is a little tricky at first, but she tells me that I made it perfectly.)

Me: “I have a small cappuccino with extra foam!”

Customer: “NO! This is all wrong! I wanted a dry cappuccino! Not extra foam!”

Me: “Oh… Well, as it turns out, ‘dry’ actually means, ‘extra foam,’ so…”

Customer: “Ugh! Everyone who works here is so stupid! I’m in a hurry, so I guess I’ll take this.”

(The customer picks up the cup.)

Customer: “This cup doesn’t feel right. There’s not enough foam!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you wanted extra foam right? I literally filled the cup with foam… Would you like me to remake it for you?”

Customer: “No! But I’m never coming here again!”

(She’s a regular and comes in every day.)

Getting Your Moissanite’s Worth

, , , , , , | Working | November 24, 2018

(One of my dad’s friends refers us to a jeweler who is selling his laptop on Craigslist, and I volunteer to check it out. I just got engaged two months prior, and my fiancée had insisted on giving me a moissanite ring that many of my retail customers and coworkers had mistaken for a diamond. I also have a habit of talking with my hands, and using them in new ways to describe nouns and objects, which people somehow get offended by because it seems to them like I’m “showing off.” I’m in the ritziest part of Snobsdale, at a super fancy-looking jewelry store. I already don’t want to deal with this part of town because I never feel, despite my appearance in a white, button-down shirt and pressed, black slacks, that I can blend in with the ultra-rich people who frequent stores like the one I’m walking into.)

Woman: *in a somewhat snobbish tone* “Hello. Can I help you?” *noting my messy hair in a clip on top of my head* “Are you lost?”

Me: “[Manager] asked me to meet here—” *points at counter* “—to pick up a laptop. *makes a square with my hands*

Woman: *grabs my hand* “Oh! What a beautiful ring! Do you want to sell it?”

Me: “Uh, no? I’m here for the laptop? [Manager] has it.”

Woman: “I would love to add it to—” *sweeps hand over a large selection of $20k+ diamond rings* “—my collection here. Oh, your ring would be the star!” *prattles on about it’s supposed clarity and quality*

Me: *peruses rings briefly, noting the large price tags, and trying to get my hand away from her* “Um… Wow. Soooo… Where is [Manager]?”

Manager: *singing his greeting* “Helloooooooooo!”

Me: “Hi, I’m [My Name], here for the laptop.”

Manager: “Oh, yes, that’ll be $150.”

(I inspect the laptop, find everything in order and perfectly running, according to the ad, and hand over the money. The manager is talking to me while I’m running the laptop through its paces, and I’m generally feeling happier and less self-conscious about being there.)

Woman: “So, how long are you going to be with running the laptop like crazy? I’m sure [Manager] would like to see your ring.”

Me: *happily* “Hopefully not too long; I have to make sure that [Manager]’s 100% here, and that it can run all these programs at the same time.” *shows him my ring*

Manager: “Oh, my God. Oh, wow. That is gorgeous. Is it real?”

Me: “It exists.”

Manager: “Uh, oh, I, uh… I, hmm… I mean, is it a diamond?”

Me: “No.”

Woman: *talking over me* “Of course it’s a diamond! I know my jewels!” *prattles on about the supposed clarity and quality again, then looks at me* “I’ll give you thirty-two thousand dollars for it.”

Me: *coughs and looks at her, surprised* “I… I’m sorry, what? If my fiancée ever spent thirty-two thousand dollars on a ring, I… I’d kill him and bring him back to life so I could kill him again! That’s a house’s do—”

Woman: “Oh, I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal, really! It’s just money! Besides, you’re a well-dressed lady with an eye for fashion. It’s just money, honey!”

Me: Wow.” *holds up ring* “The street value on this ring will never match its sentimental value.”

(Both of them laugh in the most snobby way I have ever heard in my life. At the time, I didn’t know about the wands that can tell a diamond from a moissanite. I would have suggested she check the ring if I had! My running the laptop through its paces is over, so I turn it off, hand him the cash, and put the laptop in the bag he gave me.)

Woman: “So, you won’t consider the offer?”

Me: “Nope! It’s actually a—”

Woman: “It’s a gorgeous cut, amazing clarity, and would sell very quickly.”

Me: “I’m sure it would, but it has a sentimental value that far exceeds anything you could offer me.”

Manager: “No counteroffer? Not even in trade for a ring here?” *sweeps hand over vast selection of rings, and starts in a high-pitched voice* “‘Oh, honey, you’ll never believe what I got at [Jewelry Store]! Oh, and ten thousand dollars cash, can you believe it?’” *resumes his normal tone* “All you’d have to do is trade it in for a 3/4 carat, and we’ll give you cash.”

Me: *now angry, because they’ve interrupted me at least twice now* “I said no! It’s a—”

Manager: “Of course, if you reconsider, the offer stands.”

Me: *a little angrier now* “And I won’t take it! Wow, y’all are persistent about this moissanite!” *points at the manager* “Another word out of your mouth, dude, and you can give me the money back, and you can keep this laptop!”

(I turn around and hear him quietly say “Wow!” as I continue walking. I put the laptop bag down.)

Me: *whirls back around on one foot and walks back towards them* “Okay. Money back, now.”

Manager: “No!”

Me: “Money. Now.”

Woman: *smugly* “The transaction was finished to your satisfaction; you can’t make him.”

Me: “And you can’t make me give up my moissanite for any price! Ever! Stop insisting! It’s real, because it exists, and lady, if you knew jewelry, you’d know how to tell the difference at a glance!”

Woman: *flustered that I questioned her talent* “Oh, just give her the money back, honey!”

Manager: *rolls eyes* “Pfffft, fine…” *hands me the money back*

(I put the laptop on one of the display cases and walked out. Several days later, I found my dad a better laptop, and paid the difference in price myself. My husband still jokes with me, whenever I tell friends this story, that I should have sold the ring and gotten ten more like it to sell them. I keep on being bothered by that pesky ethics thingy.)

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