(My flatmate and I spend the winter holidays with our respective families, and post gifts to one another for Christmas. I receive a pair of socks as part of my gift, and bring them back to university with me. The first time I wear the socks, this conversation happens.)

Flatmate: “Oh, love your socks. Those are so cute!”

Me: *playing along* “Absolutely. Someone very clever and fashionable gave me them for Christmas!”

(The second time I wear the socks…)

Flatmate: “Seriously, I love those. What is that animal on them? Squirrels? They’re so nice!”

Me: “Yeah, thank you. They are great socks.”

(And again…)

Friend: “Those socks are still great. You have good taste!”

Me: “You do remember you gave me these for Christmas, right?”

Flatmate: “Wait… I did?!”

(I am about to have a vasectomy, under a local anaesthetic. The female surgeon and I having been making general chat, and she now approaches with the needle to inject me with the anaesthetic.)

Me: “No jokes about ‘just a little prick’?”

Surgeon: “I’m not allowed to… anymore.”

(I work in a high-end gift shop near a popular tourist destination. A woman walks up to me holding two calendars and a £20 note.)

Customer: “What kind of discount do I get for buying more than one of something?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any multi-buy discounts.”

Customer: “Hmph. Well, these calendars are £10.99. I have £20.”

(She looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “How many can I buy?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re asking me. You may buy as many calendars as you like. But two calendars would cost £21.98. If you only have £20, you can only buy one calendar.”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “So, let’s ring that up for you!”

(I lead the customer over to the tills, where she handed me both calendars and the £20 note. She looked quite disgruntled that I placed one calendar behind the counter and scanned the other, but she said nothing. When I handed her change to her, she pulled out a wallet positively stuffed with money. So much for not having the extra £1.98!)

(In an effort to make people consider reusing bags, the United Kingdom requires all retailers, by law, to charge customers at least five pence per plastic bag used to carry home one’s shopping. Two customers approach my coworker at the cash register.)

Customer #1: “Just this, please.” *drops very large, very heavy book on counter*

Coworker: “All right, your total today is [price]. Would you like a large plastic carrier bag for five pence?”

Customer #1: “Yes, of course—”

Customer #2: *interrupting* “No, you will not! You shouldn’t stand for this! You are a paying customer, and being charged for a bag is ridiculous!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but, as you may know, the charge is mandated by the government. Giving away free bags is not just against store policy; it is illegal.”

Customer #2: “The law is stupid! There is no reason to pay for a bag!” *turns to friend* “Don’t buy one! That’s what they want.”

Customer #1: “Yes, you’re right.” *to coworker* “I don’t want one. I won’t pay for it.”

Coworker: “That’s fine. Without a bag, your total for the book is still [price].”

Customer #1: *suddenly hostile* “And how am I supposed to carry it?! With my hands?!”

Coworker: *dumbfounded* “Well, you said you didn’t want a bag…”

Customer #1: “Now I don’t want this, either! How dare you, making me hold it?! I won’t carry it!” *grabs smug-looking friend and storms away, leaving book on counter*

Coworker: *speechless*

Me: “I want to know where she intended to put the bag if she wasn’t going to use her hands.”

(I’m in class, and the fire alarm goes off. Everyone stands up, just like we were taught to do in the fire drills.)

Teacher: “Sit down!”

(The class sits down and the teacher takes her sweet time getting her handbag and coat.)

Teacher: “Okay, everybody stand up and follow me! Leave your bags and coats behind!”